Sunday, 20 January 2008

Getting into it

So I've been reading a blog by this amazing doula in Canada. I've not really started my "studies" just yet, waiting to settle into texas and have some real resources nearby outside the internet, and she's just...wonderful. She's not really writing to educate, it's not a how-to, and her birth stories are simple, elegant, and mostly very empowering.

It's made me really want to feel that way about Rays birth. Not that it was horribly traumatic, or that I was at all treated badly. As some of you know I was hoping for a natural birth, and ended up with an induction, almost every intervention in the book, and a c-section. It wasn't unexpected, really. I wasn't horribly disappointed because things didn't go "my way" or anything like that. I know that labor and birth are what they are, and the best laid plans are just plans, and do not equal outcomes. Well, the outcome was spectacular, obviously. The road to it was bumpier than I ever thought it would be, and the road after even more so!

I'm not terribly depressed about it and not even that negative. My husband, my mother, my dear friend Eva and (most) of the nursing staff and all the doctors I met were kind, respectful, and I never felt pushed into an intervention that I knew nothing about or felt was unnecessary.

And humanity wins over. Against all logic, reason, I still sometimes find myself envious when I hear about others having vaginal deliveries. Moreso if they were at home and rather natural. I know it's wrong but I can't help feeling it.

Keep in mind, this is not something I beat myself up over on a daily basis. It doesn't affect my day to day or my bond with Ray. But it lingers there, and I don't feel that I can honestly start my life as a doula until I've worked through it and really feel GOOD about the birth. It's a very spiritual process and I don't want any of my negative feelings - however subconscious they may be - to be around if I'm trying to support another woman through her labor. I don't want to affect her in that way, you know?

So I'd like to do a little exercise, and write up Rays birth story...for him. Highlight the positive, the empowering, the on-top-of-the-world feeling I felt after I had him. I don't want him to feel like the way he came was a harsh thing for me, because it wasn't.

I want to regain the strength that I know I gained through his entrance into the world. Without all the second-guesses and feelings that my body somehow failed me by not going into labor sooner, or allowing me to rest beforehand, or dilating faster, or being strong enough to push from different positions know?

The doula I mentioned before, Jacqui, wrote about how we learn so much of how to parent each specific child just by looking at their labor and what we had to overcome in it. I want to find those lessons. I want to remember more of the labor.

So here I go. (Well, here I go later, I think he's awake now. Haha.)


Anonymous said...

Hi Nastassja--it's aunty Laksmi. I can really understand how you feel about not having a vaginal birth. I know that I would have felt the same way; I feel pretty lucky that, for the most part, things went as expected. Although I did have prodromal labor and then was given pitocin, which really made things intense. I think if I had been in a different place, I would have been given a c-section. As it was, they had to use suction for that last mile. Phew; that's over.

I think being a doula would be a perfect thing for you. Your mom is the most mom-like of all of us, and I am sure some of that rubbed off on you. BTW, your writing is very good; nice work. Oh, and your baby is giant and cute.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I think you mean that Ray was born in 2007. :)

Stassja said...

Aha, thanks for the correction on the date. My head is all over the place these days!

Thanks for being understanding. :) I really have a hard time talking about how I feel to other moms, whether they had a c-section or not I invariably get the "well you have a healthy baby and that's all that matters!" line, which I HATE. Of course I appreciate having a healthy baby and all that, that's not the issue. People and their wretched need to invalidate feelings they don't understand, bah!

Ooooh, prodromal labor, always fun. >.> And pitocin, even better! I tried the suction too, no go. :/ The upsides: I can't be induced again, and since it was Ray that was big they didn't put me down for CPD, so I shouldn't get much hassle from a Dr or Midwife if I try to have a VBAC on the next one.

And if absolutely nothing else, I know first hand how a doula could have helped me and can pass that on to others. ^_^

Anonymous said...

i had a midwife and her fist baby was a c-section and then she went vbac. you know, the 'pc' term for c-section is CAESARIAN BIRTH. :) I really get what you're saying about the healthy baby thing; hey, healthy's great and yeah, i'm disappointed with how the birth went (so, fuck you! (not you, them!). what's been interesting for me is being the parent of an only child and listening to all the stuff people say about THAT.

Stassja said...

You mean the spoiled brat who will be forever traumatized by his lonely solitude and intense yearning for siblings? ;) I always wonder at what point the magic only child syndrome kicks in...I was, for all intensive purposes, an only until I was almost 8 years old! I like to think I turned out ok. Hehe.

Caesarian birth is 1. Annoying to spell and 2. Makes me want salad. Bother. But you're right, it's probably about the nicest term for it. :D

bubbeedee said...

lol - now that you mention it, it does make you think of salad. I had to look up "prodromal" and it took me a few minutes to figure out vbac..I feel like I dropped in on a conversation between two doctors.