So I've been reading a blog by this amazing doula in Canada. I've not really started my "studies" just yet, waiting to settle into texas and have some real resources nearby outside the internet, and she's just...wonderful. She's not really writing to educate, it's not a how-to, and her birth stories are simple, elegant, and mostly very empowering.
It's made me really want to feel that way about Rays birth. Not that it was horribly traumatic, or that I was at all treated badly. As some of you know I was hoping for a natural birth, and ended up with an induction, almost every intervention in the book, and a c-section. It wasn't unexpected, really. I wasn't horribly disappointed because things didn't go "my way" or anything like that. I know that labor and birth are what they are, and the best laid plans are just plans, and do not equal outcomes. Well, the outcome was spectacular, obviously. The road to it was bumpier than I ever thought it would be, and the road after even more so!
I'm not terribly depressed about it and not even that negative. My husband, my mother, my dear friend Eva and (most) of the nursing staff and all the doctors I met were kind, respectful, and I never felt pushed into an intervention that I knew nothing about or felt was unnecessary.
And yet...my humanity wins over. Against all logic, reason, I still sometimes find myself envious when I hear about others having vaginal deliveries. Moreso if they were at home and rather natural. I know it's wrong but I can't help feeling it.
Keep in mind, this is not something I beat myself up over on a daily basis. It doesn't affect my day to day or my bond with Ray. But it lingers there, and I don't feel that I can honestly start my life as a doula until I've worked through it and really feel GOOD about the birth. It's a very spiritual process and I don't want any of my negative feelings - however subconscious they may be - to be around if I'm trying to support another woman through her labor. I don't want to affect her in that way, you know?
So I'd like to do a little exercise, and write up Rays birth story...for him. Highlight the positive, the empowering, the on-top-of-the-world feeling I felt after I had him. I don't want him to feel like the way he came was a harsh thing for me, because it wasn't.
I want to regain the strength that I know I gained through his entrance into the world. Without all the second-guesses and feelings that my body somehow failed me by not going into labor sooner, or allowing me to rest beforehand, or dilating faster, or being strong enough to push from different positions or...you know?
The doula I mentioned before, Jacqui, wrote about how we learn so much of how to parent each specific child just by looking at their labor and what we had to overcome in it. I want to find those lessons. I want to remember more of the labor.
So here I go. (Well, here I go later, I think he's awake now. Haha.)