Saturday, 29 March 2008

The Horror Story

How many women have told you their birth “horror story”? I'm guessing many. In fact, how often have you had a woman, a friend, relative, mom behind you in line at the grocery store, tell you a birth story that wasn't a horror story?

In fact, how many even shared their WHOLE birth story with you? What kind of words did they use?

I had back labor

It was the worst pain I've ever felt

It was awful

I was in labor for # (too many) hours

I pushed for three hours

I tore

I had a c-section

I barely remember anything from the drugs

I had an epidural

I loved my epidural

The epidural didn't work

Pitocin is hell

They cut me

I was stuck in bed

I wanted to scream

I was such a bitch

My husband was so scared

I was so scared

I was terrified

He wasn't breathing

The cord was around her neck

I was too weak to hold him

She couldn't latch well

I just didn't dilate

My body didn't want to go into labor

Is this really what we're raised on? (And mom, grandma, aunties, you were the wonderful ones that never said these things to me, I love you.) Completely ignoring the terrifying view of birth that the media portrays, we raise our daughters this way. At every turn it's something to fear, just get through, and be bitter about.

On top of that, we hear that once we have children, we “lose our dignity”. I think that women are trying to say “You won't give two shits who sees you naked afterwards” but I find it very telling the words we use to get that across. Dignity.

Is it that undignified to give birth? Are we so far from our instinctive, primal selves? Are we just too civilized to bear down, moan and scream the pain out, and tear off our clothes in the heat of the moment because they bother us? No, we must be quiet and “dignified”.

Fuck that.

You know, I've tried to be careful not to scare expecting mothers (or any woman that hasn't had her first child) with my own “horror” story. I didn't want them to fear birth so much. I didn't want to add stress, or emotional hang ups.

That ends today. I've come to realize that yes, I have a horror story. But it wasn't the pain that was horrible. It wasn't the labor. It was the method. It was everything else that was horrible.

It was horrible that I was forced to stay in bed.

It was horrible that I was only “allowed” short, 10 minute walks around the floor every few hours.

It was horrible that my mother had to somewhat covertly bring me FOOD.

It was horrible that I was being pumped full of chemicals.

It was horrible that I was made to feel my body had failed, and now MEDICINE must intervene.

It was horrible that they gave me more and more and more pitocin when it did NOTHING to change my cervix.

It was horrible that when I made progress, on my own, without the pitocin, they still turned it back on after they broke my water.

It was horrible that they broke my water, and likely lodged my sons head in an unfavorable position.

It was horrible that I had to endure for hours what most women only feel during transition.

It was horrible that they “encouraged” me to push in other positions, and then failed to help me get comfortable or support me.

It was horrible that I had no voice.

It was horrible that I did what they said, when I KNEW BETTER, because I'd given up on my body.

It was horrible that I agreed to the induction, when my son was obviously not signaling he was ready to be born.

It was horrible that my fear and mistrust overruled my faith in my body and this, the oldest of processes.

It was horrible that they cut me, twice.

It was horrible that I saw my son, naked and new, for only the briefest of moments. I can't remember what he looked like.

It was horrible that they tossed out every preference I had for after the birth.

It was horrible that I was alone, with a stranger, for the first hour of my sons life.

It was horrible that I was in so much pain from the incision I could only stand holding him during feedings.

It IS horrible, that my horror story is MILD compared to the injustices many new mothers and babies suffer every day.

I will no longer sugar coat this story. Neither for my family, my friends, or for my children. My son will know that I love him, and that I never, ever, ever have blamed him, and that even as bad as it was, I would do it all again for him without hesitation. But he will know that this way is not right, and it should not be normal.

They will know that my labor was not horrible, just the setting.

Sunday, 23 March 2008


Shoot me now. I'm bored. I'm tired. My ass hurts from these stupid chairs. It's 7am and I've been up since 3:30 with Ray. At 4am he apparently decided it was time to be up for the day. Well, that's not entirely true. I got him fast asleep three seperate times, and each time, even though he was limp and OUT, he woke the moment I laid him down and started shrieking.


...LMAO. The cat is outside the back door (glass) and Ray saw her and took off that way. He crawled straight into the door, THUD. Lol. He normally knows it's there, plays in the blinds and stands up to look outside, I guess since it's still dark in here he didn't see. Heh.

Okay, back to crying. :'(

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Oh lordy am I tired. Stage 1 of the move went well. Ray was pretty good for the movers being here, but a bit needy when we were trying to sort stuff beforehand. Little guy slept pretty good last night but I certainly did NOT. The loaner bed is hard and horrible and I'm wheezing pretty bad from all the dust that got stirred up.

And now, one big stress causer gone so another can crop up. The car won't start. We still have the rental so we're not stranded but we were hoping to ship ours this week. Now we need to order the clutch and get it fixed and wait, well, weeks. Blah. I guess it's a good thing I was planning to spend a few weeks with the folks , looks like I wouldn't have much choice now with no car!

OMG I cannot handle this friggin dermatitis on my hands anymore. I want to chop my fingers off and be done with it. AGH.

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Whoops, meme answer

Ok so I goofed the meme slightly, I am supposed to write a whole entry in answer. I responded to rev in comment, but since my mother asked the same question on my Blogger I'll go ahead and do the whole shebang.

The last movie I watched was Knocked Up. On the humor scale it rated a little low for me. The '40 Year Old Virgin' movie making crew is not really my thing, I'm more into like, Anchorman or Dodgeball when it comes to humor. But it was ok.

The story was pretty cute, I thought.

And whereas most movies involving pregnancy/birth have me shaking my fist in impotent rage, I found it to be quite informed and without too many "hyuck hyucks" on the behalf of the mother. For the most part they didn't play up the usual silliness, the father kept a coolhead and didn't forget her when they went to the hospital. (Gimme a friggin break) She was not on the floor screaming and clutching her belly the moment she went into labor. She did not immediately rush into the hospital, rather she walked around the house and relaxed in the tub to relieve the pain until the show really got rolling.

Once in the hospital she wanted to go med free because she didn't want her baby to be born all "drugged out" and I think I may have cheered that they put a bit of TRUTH in there instead of sticking a needle in her back the second she walked through the door. Her doctor was a controlling tool, and was really upsetting her, so dad took him aside and said to chill out, and he did.

Inaccuracies? The father saying that once she lost her mucous plug that meant the baby was about to come. I will say that if there's bloody show with it, then it is likely you'll start labor soon. However if it's just the plug it could be tomorrow or in three weeks. Those things regenerate. Also, when she went into the hospital the baby had heart decels. The dr did a vaginal exam and said the cord was around the neck. *blink blink* Unless he was reaching INTO HER WOMB that would merely be a guess, good sir. Also, cord around the neck is actually fairly common and doesn't always cause issues with the birth. Now, if he reached up and felt that the head was ballotable (not up against the cervix, the baby is abled to be pushed upwards with a bit of finger pressure) then there is a chance that the cord could get down there first (cord prolapse) and THAT my friends is a serious problem. And if that was the case, then breaking her water for her is pretty much the last thing you want to do to speed things along, as that could force the baby to engage in a bad position or with the cord in the way. ANYway.

It was a pretty fun watch, not one I'll be owning.

Make me work!

I've fallen into a bit of a rut lately in my blogging, as I have very limited time to write and just end up giving the usual "shit that's going down" updates.

Meme stoled from homasse:

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, writing techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Sunday, 9 March 2008

It's really just sad...

Reason #89798 that I will not be living in California, ever, if I can help it.

Homeschoolers' setback sends shockwaves through the state

'A California appeals court ruling clamping down on homeschooling by parents without teaching credentials sent shock waves across the state this week, leaving an estimated 166,000 children as possible truants and their parents at risk of prosecution.'

Not cool, yo.

"A primary purpose of the educational system is to train school children in good citizenship, patriotism and loyalty to the state and the nation as a means of protecting the public welfare," the judge wrote, quoting from a 1961 case on a similar issue.'

This statement is just all kinds of scary to me, gogo government propaganda and brainwashing. (Can you tell I'm trying reaaaally hard not to pull Godwin's Law here?) Because of course, no parent could actually teach their child at home and instill these qualities in their children. You know those homeschooled kids are such a rowdy bunch of anarchy-loving vagrants...

Heimov said her organization's (Children's Law Center of Los Angeles) chief concern was not the quality of the children's education, but their "being in a place daily where they would be observed by people who had a duty to ensure their ongoing safety."'

Naturally this isn't the PARENTS job. They're not supposed to care about their childrens safety, only the government can do that! And really, at home or in a school, who needs an education? Poppycock! Just a form of daycare where you try and keep the kids from hurting themselves and killing each other. (I'd really like to see statistics on the amount of underage sex, drug selling/using, alcohol use and school shootings in "home schools". Probably off the charts! I bet they can't even read or do simple math, either.)

And here's the part I really don't get:

The ruling arose from a child welfare dispute between the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services and Philip and Mary Long of Lynwood, who have been homeschooling their eight children. Mary Long is their teacher, but holds no teaching credential.

The parents said they also enrolled their children in Sunland Christian School, a private religious academy in Sylmar (Los Angeles County), which considers the Long children part of its independent study program and visits the home about four times a year.'

It goes on to talk about how a homeschooling parent in CA must be accredited, blah blah. Or the child must go to a school, public or private, full time. Otherwise CPS can haul off the kids and put the parents behind bars for 'educational neglect'.

Now I totally understand protecting children and doing everything in our power to ensure every child is given opportunities to learn. Truly. But to me, "educational neglect" implies a failing or laziness on the part of the parent. I'm sure, out there somewhere, someone has pulled their children out of all school and then gone on to NOT teach them anything at home. Someone must be crazy enough.

But really, if I had eight children, and I was feeling lazy and did NOT want to take the time (and didn't care) to ensure my children were getting a decent education, I think the very last thing I would do is pull them out of public school. Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that any or all public/private school parents are lazy by sending their children elsewhere to be educated. Not everyone feels the need/desire to teach their children at home, and many don't feel they can adequately do that job. Not to mention the impossibility of a stay at home spouse when two incomes are required.

But seriously, if I were operating on sheer laziness and lack of concern for the welfare of my child, I would be signing him up for public school (woo, free daycare!) TODAY. Imagine all the time I would have on my hands to sit on the couch, eat bon-bons and watch soaps. I could go shopping anytime during the day without having to worry about the hassle of feedings, naps, diapers or tantrums. Life would be a breeze. OR, I could even get a job so we could afford a bigger house, a nice new car, upgrade the computers, play more video games...I'm in!

Anyway, that article just really got my fire going. You know what the straw was that broke the camels back in my family and inspired my mother to deeply consider and eventually decide to homeschool? A tissue. Yep. I came home from school (in second grade at the time and bored out of my mind) and had an argument with her concerning how much a tissue should be used before it was thrown away. She found herself trying to undo something my teacher had taught me that had nothing to do with education, and questioned how much the school was raising and parenting me instead of my own parents. (Not to mention the implication that the school obviously thought they were doing a better job or had greater authority in my life.)

But I digress. My son has apparently forgotten how to go to sleep. He lays in my arms, shrieking, arching his back and acting like he's in mortal agony because I'm holding him. So I put him down, either on the floor or in his crib and THAT is just the END OF THE WORLD. So after a few moments I pick him up again only to receive the same treatment a minute or two later. I put him on the boob, he chills, pulls off before he's completely asleep, wakes himself up and starts it up AGAIN. Like two or three times before he's finally tired and feels he's shrieked sufficiently for the evening and nurses one last time to sleep. I need to look up whether or not this is another age for developmental sleep regression. I hope it's a phase, ugh!

Most of the day he was a doll, however. We've been leaving the baby gate down in the hallway and just shutting the bedroom/bathroom doors as needed. He got into the bathroom three times today. The first I caught him before any havoc was wrought. The second time he was happily splashing in the kitties water bowl. (A much needed bath ensued, where he splashed like a maniac for a good twenty minutes, but in CLEAN water.) The third time I found him sitting in front of the toilet with the entire roll of toilet paper arranged around him. *sigh* I also went out the back door briefly (there's only a knob on the inside, and no other way to latch it) and he decided to "lock" me out by using the door to stand up with. (Had to go around to the front!) Later this evening the front door was open, and it's his new favorite thing to close it. There's about a 7" space between the big door and the storm door with both closed. Well, I heard some thumping and thwumping about, and went to the front door only to find the cat had been shut in between. LOL.

An eventful day indeed! And alot of fun. Still enjoying my little computer, although we're having some trouble working out the kinks with the wireless network and seeing from one pc to the other. The combo modem/router that Telefonica gives out (rated the service provider in southern spain with the most coverage area and WORST customer service/tech support, and I can vouch for that first, second and third-hand) is seven years old, and has a built in firewall that just screws with everything and makes their already slow, shitty dsl all the more slower and shittier. Add a wireless router into the mix and we just can't get anything working as it should. UGH. I am SO effing done with this country. And to think we pay $160 a month for this BS. Christ.

Friday, 7 March 2008


I'm typing, while nursing, from my Eee pc!! It's truly tiny but very cool. Hooray!

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Monday, 3 March 2008

Uh oh, it's back. >.>

I have baby fever. It's official. I've been looking up ways to chart fertility while still breastfeeding. (Cuz you know, I haven't had a period since October of 2006. Gotta love it!) I would like our little ones to be fairly close in age.

So check this.

From the beginning of May until the beginning of October Anthony will be in school in San Diego. His current ship schedule is this: His crew will be deployed to their ship (in the middle east) for 6 months, then they're home for 12. They're gone now, and will be home in mar/apr, so they'll be leaving again in mar/apr next year. In between those big deployments they won't be gone more than 3-4 weeks at a time, puttering around the gulf.

So my question is this, where to fit a baby in there? The things I feel Anthony should really be there for, as a father and for my sake, to help me out, are the last couple months of pregnancy (when I'm huge and have a toddler), the birth, and first few months with the new baby. If we tried and got pregnant right before we left here, he'd be here the last few months of the pregnancy, the birth, and first few months (most likely). I'd be due around December. I'm thinking that'd be a fairly good time (if we get pregant, don't even know if I'm fertile again and I don't want to give up BFing Ray until he's 18 months if possible). The other good time, would be right before he deploys next spring.

In other news: Our computers shipped friday! USPS willing we'll be getting them this week. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!