Tralala

Hooray for headphones. I got a nice pair of noise-reducing earbuds, they sound great. I'm listening to Oprah's interview with the "pregnant man" as I type. I'm kind of less impressed by this whole thing...at first I found it supremely interesting, and I still do to some extent (why else would I listen to this?), but it's like...woman, becomes lesbian, becomes male, but keeps uterus and such...so it's still a pregnant woman, physically speaking. I think it's not quite as fantastic as people are making it out to be. I guess the huge hold up is legally he's a he. I still wonder how he's going to feel after the birth, if he'll still feel that he can function in a father role having gone through what mothers do. I don't doubt that fathers bond very closely with their children, but even on a strictly base, instinctive, hormonal level, it is different. And I really wonder how much "feeling male" is going to cover it.

I don't begrudge them their child. They've faced many difficulties to be where they are today, and certainly many less than savory characters who are strictly heterosexual have children and then don't treat them right. I think they'll be fabulous parents, and that child will have a unique upbringing and a very interesting story to tell one day!

On to other things. Happy birthday to Anthony! He's reached the ripe old age of 27. It's been a somewhat unhappy birthday, sadly, as he's been getting alot of flack at work because of some asshat in leadership that's lazy. He (said asshat) is basically fixing the schedule so he can be a lazy shitbag, and dragging a rake behind him to cover his tracks. Unfortunately this time Anthony was the rake, and he's paying for shitheads irresponsibility. *sigh* It shouldn't go any higher than a DRB (disciplinary something or other board) and then likely get tossed out, because everyone at the command knows what's going on. One of the newer folks missed a watch recently for general shitbaggery and had to go to DRB, so it would look really bad if they didn't send Anthony up a mere week later. *sigh*

We're hoping for a trip to Gibraltar tomorrow. Woowoo monkeys!

Had a good time at Pub Los Arcos last night, kind of a penultimate final hurrah. I did some crazy assed shot called a Quack Quack, which was interesting and ended with me getting a tiny burn on my hand. I think my hands are too small to pull it off as easily as the guys.

We had our packout yesterday, and somewhat to my dismay they packed EVERYTHING in the kitchen. Which was sort of what I wanted, dishes-wise, but I thought they couldn't pack foodstuffs that were already open. I was patently mistaken, and went pretty hungry today as our fridge is fairly bare, and even the easy things like waffles, bisquick for pancakes, would have benefited greatly with the addition of syrup or honey. We used raspberry jam, and while I would never desire to eat it that way again, it was tolerable. Needless to say we went shopping this afternoon and bought dinners and such. Hopefully it will last us.

I've been spending alot of time blog-hopping, although I'm hitting a point in the birth blogs where I'm just reading the same info over and over again. This is part of the reason why I've not really blogged much about it, so many have already said it, and so much more powerfully than I. One thing I'd like to look into more is court-ordered cesareans and the effect of traumatic birth on babies.

I've found out that with a c-section you miss out on alot of the natural bonding processes. Especially after an induced labor, I probably didn't have my own hormones going that would aid in that process. In nature, if you deliver an animals young by c-section the mother will not even recognize her offspring. She won't take care of them. Now I'm not saying that I (or any c-section mama) neglect our babies, or don't love them just as much as the next mom, but for some it can be harder, and take longer. I think it contributed to our difficulty breastfeeding. I know that being unable to hold Ray for long periods in the first few weeks affected me negatively.

There is a thing called a trauma bond, where two people who have been through something traumatic together form an especially tight bond. I don't know if traumatic is the right term for my end of things, exceedingly difficult, certainly. His end though, I would guess most certainly was traumatic. Pitocin is a nasty, nasty drug. Contractions are longer, stronger, and come faster. I remember having 15-30 seconds of "break" between contractions, for hours. And even during those breaks, it still HURT. There was no "ahhh, a rest!". I can't even imagine how hard that must have been on him. Even in a normal birth, they've found that labor is intense and painful for the baby as well as mom. Not to mention being pushed on in a terrible position for four hours, possibly with his head malpositioned, having the dr and nurses poking at his head, the vacuum attempts (which left him with a huge, scabbed welt for over a week afterwards) and then the c-section. It's no wonder he was so loud after they pulled him out. It was cold, bright, and people he had never heard were handling him, holding him up in the air, prodding, testing, cleaning, before he even saw his daddy, much less me. I wonder how those experiences, his first outside the womb, will shape his personality in years to come.

As you can probably tell, I've been mowing through blogs left and right. So much amazing, troubling, thought-provoking, horrifying information to process. Feminism, racism, horrors from the war in Iraq that you'd never hear about from "news" broadcasts produced by the same people who produce soap operas...religion, politics. My head is spinning, in such a good way. I've been intellectually stimulated in ways that I haven't in years. Possibly ever. It's wonderful. So I apologize for my infrequent posts. Check out some of the blogs on the right, and see the "fun" I've been into lately. I'm busy growing. :)

Time for some alone time with the birthday man...shhh, I think I'm ovulating. ;) We're not trying, but I wouldn't complain if something more resulted. :D

Ahhhhhhhhhh....

Whew, good lord that took awhile. Ray has been back to the 'going down for the night, waking up every fifteen minutes 3-4 times before REALLY going down' thing for the last few nights. I think he's on the verge of another milestone...and I think this one may be verbal. He's been doing the "mamamamamama" more often, and usually when he seems to want me. Sometimes it's while he's whining, and hanging on my leg. I've heard that the "mamamama" sound is more angry/frustrated, and the "dadadada" babbling is happy, which I've seen evidence of. However, a few times today, when not upset, he would take off after me going "mamama". At one point this evening I was in the kitchen cooking, and he took off toward the back of the house looking for me after he heard me yell something to Anthony, going "mamamama!", but not upset. I said "in here honey!" and he came back to the kitchen gate to eyeball me. Cute!

But yeah, back to the "oy that took forever". I just spent a solid HOUR trying to put him to bed. Nursed him three times in that time. He was so restless, he would just lay there in my arms sucking his thumb and "singing", "MmmmmMMMmmmMMMmmmMmmmmMMMmm". To the point where he would actually fall asleep, thumb pop out of his mouth, still humming. Then the sound would wake him and he'd go back to sucking and more humming. Finally I put him in his bed, as he was mostly asleep but squirming to flip over, and he stayed. Whew! Maybe tomorrow he'll wake me up with a happy, "Mama!". :)

I've told Anthony time and again that with the next one we'll make sure he's more involved in the sleeping process. It's a little harder to work it in, with the breastfeeding, but what we should have done (I think) is make sure I pumped a bottle for him some nights and let daddy feed him to sleep. Not worth the trouble of doing it now, as Anthony will be gone in about a month, and we'll only see him once in the following five months. But on the next little one? For sure.

I see some folks enjoyed my last post, and I'm glad. I guess I'm at a place right now, in my process of "processing", where I'm taking more responsibility for the decisions I made, but at the same time I feel like the "system" really failed me, as it fails SO many women. Men, women, if you have a chance to see the Business of Being Born, please do so. It is so informative. It doesn't address all the current problems in our system concerning mothers, babies, and doctors, but it does bring up some of the biggest issues and for those that haven't read in depth about the current state of these things in our country, I think you may find it very enlightening. Whether you're done having kids, just starting, or don't plan on doing it ever. If you're male or female, show it to your daughters and your sons. Make them AWARE.

Things are moving along well here as far as our leaving is concerned. The car is in the shop, the movers come on the 10th to make our house truly empty and terribly boring for a week, and we're somewhat frantically trying to find a home for our lovely Claudia. Our flight is officially set, and we've purchased my plane tickets out to SC. On top of finding a house and getting the lease set up (and possibly getting our household goods delivered there before we leave) we hope to buy a car, which Anthony will drive out to San Diego as soon as we've left for SC.

In the home life, things are good. Ray is doing great, and truly getting more fun by the day. He loves to play, with us and on his own as well. He's a solid little guy, still pretty slim but heavy and STRONG. Gosh. It truly amazes me. Still not much hair but a mouth full of teeth. He's in love with cheerios or pretty much any finger food, and loves to eat eat eat.

I've received my birth doula manuals in the mail, and I'm slowly getting started. Not as quickly as I'd like but I've found some awesome blogs (listed on my sidebar) and I've been drinking in the info like a dying woman. Doulas, midwives, feminists, authors...so many interesting points of view. I love it.