The Light

I'm a lazy douche, but at last I am lighting my hannukah lights, on this, the fifth night. I didn't realize how much my heart and soul were starving for that beautiful, warming light. Ahhhhh.

*blissful* What peace. :)

So beautiful!

Just have to link the gorgeous pictures taken by a wonderful midwife in San Diego of a recent homebirth.

Birth is just plain beautiful!

(Note: there are no graphic birth pics, although you can see some breasts, butt, and a bit of frontal nudity.)

PS I hope one day she is my midwife. :) Oooooh can't wait to be in san diego!

The good and the bad

First, the good! My newest nephew was born today at 5:30 pm. His mama went in for her induction last night, and aside from needing some vacuum assistance came out just perfect at 7.7lbs and 20.5 inches! His name is Matthias Alexander. And I get to see him on Jan 2nd wooooooo!

Okay, and the not so good. I should be happy for her. And, I am! But unhappy with the labor, and that's not my place. More like it's dredging up the feeling, once again, that my body is broke. And I KNOW that's not true. I had so many other circumstances that thankfully she did not have. And I wouldn't for the world wish my experience on her. Ever.

When I heard her mom say she had a rough time I wanted to scream that she didn't! She had it easy! It didn't last two days and X and X and Y. She doesn't have this fucking scar to deal with forever! She doesn't have her future birthing options severely limited, and constant anxiety that things will go terrible again because of it! Of course I would never say that. To her or her mom. Or anyone! It's shameful even thinking it. At the same time I'm bothered even thinking that it was somehow easy for her because of X and Y and Z. Who the fuck should have to measure up to my stick of Toughness before they're allowed to call it Tough? That's just insane. I hate feeling that way. I'm a shmuck. =/ (And yes I know tons of people have it toughER than I did, CS or not)

I had this same deal happen with her sister during her birth. And she also had tough parts of her labor. Shoulder dystocia is something I hope I never see. (Look! See my measuring stick?! She's almost up to ME now! Ugh!)

It's really making me question my desire to become a doula. Am I going to feel this way after every birth? I know I'll never fully be OVER it, but will it fade so I don't suddenly get sucked back down into these terrible, unfair thoughts and feelings? Please tell me it gets better.

And I don't think having a VBAC will necessarily be some cathartic, healing experience. It will heal some wounds, certainly. Maybe it will heal this feeling that my body sucks and is inadequate somehow. I know it will also dredge up some more shit from the first birth. And that scares me a little. Will it reduce or remove this vitriol when others have "easier", successful vaginal births?

*sigh* Will be mulling that over the next few days. No I won't. I'm putting it away until our drive up north. Then I'll have tons of quiet time to ponder. No keeping me up at night, you thoughts! *shoos them*

It really sucks when you know your feelings are BS and you just can't change it somehow. Someone tell me something wise and revealing so I can sleep tonight!! I may as well go buy my tylenol PM now. LOL.

I'm a nerd

As if you didn't know of my nerdiness already.

But OMFG DRAGONZ.

View or clicky, yay!



I feel like I have a gigapet. >.>

Edit: I'm a dork x2!



Edit 3 still havin' fun!



Edit 4 REALLY REALLY DONE NOW I SWEARZ

The Move...

...Cannot come soon enough! It is 60some outside (at 1am) and so humid it might as well be raining. Water on all the cars and it SOUNDS like a light rain from water dripping off the roof and trees. Could it be more disgusting here?

Speaking of the move, we put in a request for Feb 20th. The date is a little up in the air but it should happen close to that time! Hooray! We are absolutely drowning in bills (thanks mom and dad >.<) with the only end in sight being blessed off-base housing with no rent, and no utility bills!

Taking a break from WoW. I'm at that burnout point where the moment I log in and look at my character I feel almost ill and I can't log out fast enough. It really is an addiction of sorts, it gives you a quick easy sense of accomplishemnt to get something done in game, but later you feel like crap because you know you didn't REALLY get anything done. What I need to do is spend time with my boy, work more on my doula certification, and clean out the box room. I guess I'll have piles of donate, toss, and keep. We only qualify for a two bedroom so box room has got to go! Honestly I'm tempted to toss most of the damn boxes without looking. We've survived the past 8 months without that crap, and some of it we've gone nearly 4 years without touching. Yikes. I also want more crap out of the living area. God I will kill for a big kitchen with lots of cupboards untouched by roach shit. Please lord, bless me with one!

Ok bed time, I am TOAST. Although I heard Ray stir a few minutes ago so it'll likely be a while before I sleep. :(

WHUT??!

I hate to make fun of emo death metal bands, but I saw this track list and had to share. *stifles more giggles*

Weeping Birth - Anosognosic Industry of the I

1. Then the Moon Came
2. Hurle à la Mort
3. Totalitarian Grievance
4. I Was
5. Detestable Birth Tapestries with Snakes Embroidered
6. Der Tanz der Toten
7. Vaginal Secretions
8. Orgasmic Fetid Breath
9. Love, Death's Betrothed
10. Immobile
11. Mutisme
12. Shadowless
13. La Muvais Oeil

Vaginal Secretions? WTF??

Heehee

I don't know how old/viral this is, but it was my first time seeing it and had to share.

Margaret Cho, Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris (squee!) and MANY others in Proposition 8: The Musical! Vote for looooove people! :D