Tuesday, 23 December 2008

The good and the bad

First, the good! My newest nephew was born today at 5:30 pm. His mama went in for her induction last night, and aside from needing some vacuum assistance came out just perfect at 7.7lbs and 20.5 inches! His name is Matthias Alexander. And I get to see him on Jan 2nd wooooooo!

Okay, and the not so good. I should be happy for her. And, I am! But unhappy with the labor, and that's not my place. More like it's dredging up the feeling, once again, that my body is broke. And I KNOW that's not true. I had so many other circumstances that thankfully she did not have. And I wouldn't for the world wish my experience on her. Ever.

When I heard her mom say she had a rough time I wanted to scream that she didn't! She had it easy! It didn't last two days and X and X and Y. She doesn't have this fucking scar to deal with forever! She doesn't have her future birthing options severely limited, and constant anxiety that things will go terrible again because of it! Of course I would never say that. To her or her mom. Or anyone! It's shameful even thinking it. At the same time I'm bothered even thinking that it was somehow easy for her because of X and Y and Z. Who the fuck should have to measure up to my stick of Toughness before they're allowed to call it Tough? That's just insane. I hate feeling that way. I'm a shmuck. =/ (And yes I know tons of people have it toughER than I did, CS or not)

I had this same deal happen with her sister during her birth. And she also had tough parts of her labor. Shoulder dystocia is something I hope I never see. (Look! See my measuring stick?! She's almost up to ME now! Ugh!)

It's really making me question my desire to become a doula. Am I going to feel this way after every birth? I know I'll never fully be OVER it, but will it fade so I don't suddenly get sucked back down into these terrible, unfair thoughts and feelings? Please tell me it gets better.

And I don't think having a VBAC will necessarily be some cathartic, healing experience. It will heal some wounds, certainly. Maybe it will heal this feeling that my body sucks and is inadequate somehow. I know it will also dredge up some more shit from the first birth. And that scares me a little. Will it reduce or remove this vitriol when others have "easier", successful vaginal births?

*sigh* Will be mulling that over the next few days. No I won't. I'm putting it away until our drive up north. Then I'll have tons of quiet time to ponder. No keeping me up at night, you thoughts! *shoos them*

It really sucks when you know your feelings are BS and you just can't change it somehow. Someone tell me something wise and revealing so I can sleep tonight!! I may as well go buy my tylenol PM now. LOL.

1 comment:

Shanna said...

I completely understand. It is nice to see someone else writing the same thoughts down that I often have when hearing about birth experiences. Maybe you can channel it and use it to your advantage when being a doula?!