Thursday, 20 January 2011

The end, and a beginning.

I haven't posted here in a while, and I fear it may be the last time, at least for this incarnation of my blogging life. I've lost a little bit of interest in the birth world, don't get me wrong, I still get fired up about it and believe firmly in women's/babies rights and bodily autonomy, evidence based medicine, blah blah. I am just burned out. Most articles and blogs I read on the subject are just rehashing the same old info, and I'm just a bit too frazzled to sort out newer findings/studies when they've not yet been pieced apart into layman's terms for me. I'm feeling a little...drawn away from that calling. I am shying away from the desire to have another child, and I feel like right now surrounding myself by pregnant women and newborns and the like will not help me to stay NOT pregnant. (I love it, I love having babies, but BABIES, oy they are work, and there are 101 reasons I am pretty damned sure I don't need another one. Close friends, I am still MORE than happy to be birth support and I am itching to witness a birth, if you'll have me.)


So right now, I am moving away from that. But where to? I feel like a bit of a hermit lately. I'm not depressed, in fact I am happier with my life than I have been in a while. But I feel a bit defeated by the outside world right now. I feel like I have so much potential to go and do things and like family life is tying me down a bit. I KNOW there are ways to be accomplished and get out there and go DO things while being a mother to young children, but I am at a loss as to how to go about it. And to what I even want to do! There is so much that needs fixing in this world. There are so many things I am interested in. I feel like all paths are open to me, and it's crazy overwhelming. It feels like almost nothing outside these walls is going right, and even inside, there are issues.


There's the usual, war and hunger and slavery around the world. There are women dying in childbirth to simple things all over (even here at home), abuse and government sanctioned torture. The government is a bloated mass of greed that will happily mow down innocents for the almighty dollar and their idea of democracy and the people having a say is a fucking joke. We “vote” for the lesser of two evils, and we only see the candidates with enough dollars for a big fancy campaign. (I wanted to puke on every single over sized, cardboard, photo quality political flier I got in the mail this past election.) Lobbyists do all the talking for “us” on behalf of whichever corporation has the most money to pay them. (Paid expert witnesses are frowned upon in court, why are we letting them write our laws, people??) Our people are divided more as every day passes, going further and further to extremes of hate, and everyone seems convinced of the lies the media (ALL popular media) tell. Everyone gripes about how awful this or that is with the government, with society, but when pressed, well it's just The Man and there's nothing we can do about it so we're just going to follow along like cattle. (Seen very recently with the fuss over TSA invading privacy and getting grabby.)


Excuse me. Fuck that. Fuck poverty and homelessness and middle/upper class people bitching about the damned lazy poor. Fuck war and the devaluing of human life for the sake of an agenda or a regime. Imperialism and capitalism can both screw off. Fuck treating people who don't love the same way you do as second rate citizens, less than human. Or people that look different. Or believe in a different god or many gods or no gods at all. Or people with different genitals. Different genders (yes, there are more than two).


Can we not just be people? Can we not love all the amazing ways we are different and unique and beautiful? Can we not accept that there just might not be a universal truth outside of love and the many forms it takes? Outside of respect?


I walked through an amazing house tonight, filled with people that I'm sure were equally amazing. I could have spent hours in there just wandering around, feeling the positive energy, seeing the interesting things around the house, the love painted and worn into the walls and floors, the additions added by hand, the creaks and groans and bright colors. People that are part of this world and also working beyond it, that see the possibility of greater things in our culture. That see the beautiful, incredible potential in people. I long for that. I long, I think, for youth lost. It sounds silly, I AM young, but having children is such a massive responsibility. I don't regret them, but I wish I had known. I really do. I long for something greater than the nuclear family (which is bullshit), a positive community of loving individuals that work and help and child rear together as a big extended family.


I don't know the name of a single neighbor on my cul-de-sac. Since we moved in, only a small handful of houses on our short street have not been vacated and refilled. It is a blur of moving trucks and new faces. Few people bother to get to know each other. I don't know people from Anthony's work, there is no community there because his workplace is so toxic they all run from it the moment they are free, and have little desire to be around half the people (those in charge) that they work with even if it involves free food. I have no outside the home work. I have a few lasting friendships now that are also local, and I love them. But still, no community. (There is a community, but it is not child-friendly or financially feasible to be heavily involved in) I long for that. I need to get my ass to the UU church here soon, because I think that may be a taste of what I am looking for.


Everything is in a big state of flux right now. I have changed so much in the last year. Well, outwardly, not so much inwardly. I have finally grabbed a hold of what's underneath a good chunk of cultural conditioning and it's glorious feeling so comfortable in my skin. Being genderqueer. Being not-straight. Understanding so many of the confusing things of my past, knowing the answers now. No, those are not normal thoughts for a straight girl. For a queer genderqueer person, that's another story. What is pansexual? Am I that? If I'm other gendered, even if I wasn't still very much with my male spouse, I'm not a lez. I'm not quite pansexual because I'm not really attracted to cis-gender, straight, male dude-bro's. What about other gender-ambiguous people (who I happen to find crazy sexy)? There isn't even a NAME for that kind of relationship!


I hate that being not straight is this big deal. Like it's a fucking phenomenon and we must announce it to every person we know and meet right off the bat and then wait for them to not accept us or treat us weird. Like, really? Straight people, how often do you have to come out to your friends or family as straight? Why are we even asking these things of people? Question 1. Are you looking to sleep with me? If the answer to question 1 is no, see A. Then you should not give a flying shit, because it in no way effects our dealings with each other, in my world. Can we stop getting hung up on this shit and just accept that people don't come in two flavors for everything, and one is generally better than the other? White is better than black, straight over gay, male over female, rich better than poor, really? Are we STILL doing this?


You know what pisses me the fuck off? That my great grandfather didn't give his surname to his son, born in America, because it was CHAVEZ. Because he wanted him to be able to find work and not get treated like shit. You know what pisses me off more? That we are STILL DOING THIS. Oh yes, we've grown so fucking much. Look, we graduated from Anti-Racism Academy because of our colored Prez, holy shit was that a Mexican? DEPORT THAT LAZY WELFARE SUCKING LOSER!


Seriously guys. I'm over it. I'm pretty sure I've pissed off everyone I know by this point. But this has obviously been building for months. If anyone wants to talk further with me on any subject, feel free. If you want to talk WITH me. Not at me. I already know what Christians feel about me liking tits. I know what conservatives feel about Mexicans and that whole shebang. Please do not come to me with rants that I could easily hear or see anywhere at any time on any major news outlet or political summit. I've heard it. If you want further understanding of things I've revealed here, that's fine. This came out WAY more pissed off than I intended. But, well, I guess I'm pissed. Frustrated. Impotent. Restless. Creative. Rich and bountiful and depleted and exhausted. I am looking to live the life more transparent. I will not rub any ones nose in things I know they don't agree with. But if the issue is brought up with me, I will stand my ground. Some things here may hurt some people, but my intent is never to harm. Reality hurts a bit, I hope it does not cause lasting damage, but a path to a deeper understanding and love of each other. Please come to me if you want to talk. I know I sound crazy confrontational here. It's months, years, a lifetime of pent-up frustration, confusion, understanding. So many things.


I am still in Limbo. Probably always will be. And when I make my new blog, expect it to be more raw, and more a reflection of all of me. Feminism and queerness and politics and babies and families and friends and rocky horror and sci-fi and fantasy and sewing and everything. Give me a few weeks of life-craziness, and I will update with the new and improved blog. :) Love to all, truly.

3 comments:

Courtney said...

Oh! I'll be following your next blog, don't you worry. :) *hugs*

MEW said...

I will always always always love you and support you no matter what!!! <3

Elizabeth Stevens said...

I will tune in to follow your next blog! This was the first post I read and I love it. Learning to celebrate differences has been a message I have been getting quite a bit lately. I love people who are genuine. I too feel a bit saddened that we don't have tribes or communal living situations to learn from and lean on. I am pretty certain that is by design;-) I look forward to learning from you as I read the words you type out into cyberspace:-)