So first I'm going to list those specific fears, then I'm going to list what I know logically will help keep those fears from becoming reality. After that a little questionnaire I've been putting off for months that's meant to help you process your birth.
1. I'm afraid I won't go into labor on my own. (More fears come with that, fear of an AROM induction, in the hospital, history repeating.)
Answer - I'm pretty sure I was picking up on Anthony's anxiety about me going into labor heavily. He knows things will turn out okay, but he worries immensely. Having him go up to a friends house may help. Also, when talking to my best friend, even just online, my contractions got noticeably stronger. Every time. She'll be living nearby and coming down for the birth. Combination of him gone and her close should have me shooting that kid out at light speed. LOL. If we for some reason end up in the hospital my midwife will be my doula so I won't get pushed around nearly as much.
2. I'm afraid the baby will be as big or bigger than last time, which scares me because I don't think the size is the problem, so much as how much space I have in my torso and whether or not being that cramped contributed to Rays head being tilted.
I read on my midwife's blog things to cut out of your diet to help not grow them huge. Mostly no dairy so no growth hormones. I ate alot of that with Ray trying to get easy protein and calcium.
Alrighty. And now the questions:
When you think about your previous birth, what is your favorite moment?
Right before the epidural, when my mom calmed me down by pressing her forehead to mine and getting me to focus.
What moment do you try not to think about, or what moment still bothers you?
When they broke my water I had progressed, just a little, on my own without the pit. To that point pitocin had done NOTHING for me. Not a single cm. After they broke it, instead of walking around a bit as I'd hoped to do beforehand I was just hooked right back up to the pit, even more than before. I think the contractions were so terrible and endless because soon after I started contracting on my own and the pit just made it crazy. Why the pit would magically work post water breaking is a little far-fetched to me.
What was your most brilliant moment?
Caught between tearing off the hospital gown right after the doctor carefully re-tied it, and enduring four hours of good, strong pushing even on so little sleep.
Who or what helped you most when you gave birth?
My mama and Anthony. They were great.
What was your first thought when you saw your baby?
This bugs me. I scarcely remember the first eyeful I got. It was SO fast, they just held him over the curtain for what seemed like a millisecond. What I do remember is he was wet, purple-red and LOUD. Add big to that. When they first brought him over he was all bundled up and I just thought he was beautiful and perfect. The love was instant. The hour alone in recovery couldn't go faster.
If your baby could speak, what's the first thing it would thank you for?
For giving as much as I did, enduring as much, in less than optimal circumstances.
How did the journey of birth change you?
It made me very sensitive to the stories of others, overly-critical and inwardly judgemental. I think I'm finally moving past this however and it's given me a deeper understanding of how very unique each birth is to each woman and only she herself can weigh-in on the quality or difficulty of it.
What do you now know about yourself that you didn't know before?
I'm pretty darn self-less for my babies. :)