Monday, 10 November 2008

Ye gods, the pain!

If you ever wanted to know what it would feel like to have George Lucas storm into your house, kick you in the jeeblies every two minutes for over an hour, and stomp back out again, please watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars. (Yeah, that cartoon one that nobody saw)

And I'm one of those weirdo fans that ENJOYS the prequels! I cringe at the sack of shit that passes as dialogue, but I enjoy them. This is a new low blow to fans, however. The already horrific dialogue is taken to a new level of shittiness (I think we're at negative shit9,000 now) because now it's aimed at kids. As if the dialogue in ANY of the movies was really that far beyond the comprehension level of a seven year old.

I loved getting another petty jab in the eye as the opening credits started out with a much-altered version of the theme song, and the scrolling yellow text was replaced with the cheesiest effing narrator they could find. Seriously? Did ANYONE over the age of five enjoy this?

We couldn't sit through more than twenty minutes. Add in snot-nosed pretentious padawan chick and our heads were ripe to explode. The movie ended for me when, five minutes after meeting Anakin, little whatever-her-name-was refers to him as


I apologize for the projectile vomiting that likely induced. She goes on to be pushy, disrespectful (to her brand new master who is also less than joyful about her appearance), ingenious, and by turns frightened fairy and fiesty warrior princess. BLARGH. Mary Sue more plz.

Ok, I'm done. I could rant for another half hour but I won't. Please save yourself the massive pounding headache and skip this one. (Thank god we didn't even pay to rent it *cough*)

On a related note, kids movies drive me bananas. Do we HAVE to give them such drivel for dialogue? Jesus, their understanding of higher-level concepts may be a little more limited, but they're not all mentally handicapped. Also, humor in dialogue is funny as WELL as slapstick, and we're coming up with new jokes for grown-up movies all the time, can we not do the same for kids? Good story, good dialogue, don't talk to them like they have a 40 word vocabulary. Check. Can anyone think of some good kids movies that fit these criteria? All that I'm coming up with are Pixar flicks.

Speaking of, we just watched Wall-E the other day, and are now anxiously awaiting it's arrival on blu-ray. Few movies still have me thinking about them a day or two later, and as a kids movie this is quite the achievement (unless you're pixar, apparently), so I know it'll be worth the buy.

OH SNAP KUNG FU PANDA IS OUT TODAY. WOO. Forgot about that! *runs out to buy*

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