Hooray

It's been an interesting week around here. I finally made it to my first ICAN meeting, which was just fantastic. It's still flipping and spinning in my head, as I examine this and that. Things I need to work on, things I need to let lie, ways I need to prepare for Dori coming, and so on. I think I'm back to being ok with Anthony not being there, and agreeing that it's probably best all around that he's out. Plus Ray will be with him (hopefully) so I'll have him out of my hair and I won't need to worry that the sitter might not know to do X or Y. I like the idea of having Ray at the birth, but realistically it's a terrible idea. Not that I think he'd be upset by it, indeed I've never seen him upset by me being hurt or crying, but more the fact that I know he'd get clingy with me. The more I pull away, the more he clings, and I would go NUTS. I already have trouble some days when he's being good but just pawing all over me, like he can't stand to be within two feet of me for whatever reason and NOT touch me, and it gives me this gut-deep reaction of OMG GET AWAY NOW. I got it with Anthony too when I was pregnant with Ray, I was so physically overwhelmed and emotionally spent that being kissed on the mouth was unbearable. Like I was trapped and couldn't escape and oh god let me be free. Kissing anywhere else was fine, but it's SUCH a strong reaction that there's really not much I can do with it except say "I love you, but I need you to do something else".

I think I'll end up relying on my mom alot. (Hear that mom, be ready!) Of course things may be different in labor, but that's just how I'm feeling now. I definitely need/want Shanna around, but our relationship is different. I'm usually quite snuggly with my girlfriends, and she and I really aren't. We're totally comfortable touching each other but when it's not "necessary" (neck massage for a headache and the like) we don't do it much. I think it's her more than anything, she's not into cuddling and projects this "2 ft of personal space required, please!" vibe that I pick up on subconsciously. I dunno. I probably won't care in the moment who the hell is counter-pressuring my back as long as it's BEING DONE, OK. Any neck-clinging may be reserved for mom though. :) I think Shanna will be helping most energy wise, helping keep the tone in the room right, making sure nothing negative is affecting me, keeping up the block between Anthony and I, and so on.

Again, we'll see. It'll be interesting to find out how things will unfold. I'm not really set on how it'll go because I really don't know. I was very clingy when I labored with Ray (before the epidural but after labor got HARD) but I was also stuck in bed and hammered with insanely close/long contractions. Basically scared out of my mind and fighting it tooth and nail. So as I expect labor to be alot different when not drug-induced and hindered by machinery, so I expect that my reaction will likely be quite different.

I do know that right after the birth I'd like things kind of quiet and mellow, at least after the initial HOORAY! Lol. I don't want people in my face or pawing at Dorian. Pictures/movie are both fine, as long as there's not a bunch of flash and talking is kept to a minimum. Now is not the time to chat about who he looks like and what we'll be eating for dinner. Now IS the time to be making sure Anthony is on his way, if he's not arrived already. I would like him to receive the same respect when he meets Dori, give him space. At this point perhaps we could be left alone for a bit, he'll do the bonding deal better when other friends/family aren't around. Wait on pictures until after this. (OK get ONE picture lol, then shoo for a few minutes) He does love you mama, but for whatever reason incessant pics when he's having daddy/son time bug him. (He gets pissy with me too sometimes)

I dunno. I'm rambling now. Obviously none of this is set in stone, just me thinking out loud. Putting it down so I remember to bring it up with my midwives and see what they usually do directly post-birth.

Well I'm off to watch a show (Nurse Jackie) and then to bed!