Owned

Well I guess I had that coming. *shakes fist at karma* But I think it was kind of the wakeup call I needed to see just how very poisonous these kinds of thoughts are.

I was having a silly back and forth with my sister in law today (the one with the new adorable little guy) about who had the cuter kid. Was quite playful but on the snarky side, normal for us. She mentioned me having a ten lb monster and I retorted about her shrimpy little thing (he's still probably not ten lbs at two weeks). Then she said "At least I was able to push him out" and I think the wind went out of my. I called uncle, and said "ouch, below the belt" and she immediately apologized, saying that was mean. I know it happens, and I know she didn't mean anything by it. No hard feelings there, but owowowowow, was it ever a sock to the gut.

I didn't post it but I meant to recently, as I'd been thinking of how very unique each birth is. As unique as each life that is being given, and the one giving it. It has sort of it's own life span, ups and downs, and different effects on those around (experiencing) it. Just as we cannot judge the quality and happiness in someone else's life based on our own experience, we cannot put labels on others births. We can laugh with them, cry with them, hug them in joy or comfort, but it is not our place to call into question their feelings about it. I discovered last night I was actually able to sympathize with my other sister in laws difficult birth experience, without a hint of jealousy, and truly empathize with her. It was a wonderful feeling after so long.

So I've realized that in spite of my best attempts at hiding the poisonous thoughts, they did bubble to the surface and my sister in law, on some level picked up on them. Or has similar thoughts herself, who had it rougher and who did better and blah blah blah. It's not a pretty thing on either end and for me at least, it MUST stop, and it is, right now.

I've seen how truly ugly (and again Bird, should you be reading this no hard feelings, I really brought it on myself and obviously needed the kick in the rear) the Mommy Competition is and I'm not taking part anymore. Inside or out.

If I'm ever going to feel good about any future birth, my own especially but others as well, I must quiet this demon and move on.

I guess you could call this some sort of new years thing but it's merely coincidence, I've needed this change in attitude for a long time. If anyone wants to contribute a little, I'm intensely interested in this book after reading an excerpt online. I've found it super cheap Used on Borders Marketplace for like $4.00, we just haven't a cent to spare right now. I would be eternally grateful should a copy find itself headed my way. :)

The good and the bad

First, the good! My newest nephew was born today at 5:30 pm. His mama went in for her induction last night, and aside from needing some vacuum assistance came out just perfect at 7.7lbs and 20.5 inches! His name is Matthias Alexander. And I get to see him on Jan 2nd wooooooo!

Okay, and the not so good. I should be happy for her. And, I am! But unhappy with the labor, and that's not my place. More like it's dredging up the feeling, once again, that my body is broke. And I KNOW that's not true. I had so many other circumstances that thankfully she did not have. And I wouldn't for the world wish my experience on her. Ever.

When I heard her mom say she had a rough time I wanted to scream that she didn't! She had it easy! It didn't last two days and X and X and Y. She doesn't have this fucking scar to deal with forever! She doesn't have her future birthing options severely limited, and constant anxiety that things will go terrible again because of it! Of course I would never say that. To her or her mom. Or anyone! It's shameful even thinking it. At the same time I'm bothered even thinking that it was somehow easy for her because of X and Y and Z. Who the fuck should have to measure up to my stick of Toughness before they're allowed to call it Tough? That's just insane. I hate feeling that way. I'm a shmuck. =/ (And yes I know tons of people have it toughER than I did, CS or not)

I had this same deal happen with her sister during her birth. And she also had tough parts of her labor. Shoulder dystocia is something I hope I never see. (Look! See my measuring stick?! She's almost up to ME now! Ugh!)

It's really making me question my desire to become a doula. Am I going to feel this way after every birth? I know I'll never fully be OVER it, but will it fade so I don't suddenly get sucked back down into these terrible, unfair thoughts and feelings? Please tell me it gets better.

And I don't think having a VBAC will necessarily be some cathartic, healing experience. It will heal some wounds, certainly. Maybe it will heal this feeling that my body sucks and is inadequate somehow. I know it will also dredge up some more shit from the first birth. And that scares me a little. Will it reduce or remove this vitriol when others have "easier", successful vaginal births?

*sigh* Will be mulling that over the next few days. No I won't. I'm putting it away until our drive up north. Then I'll have tons of quiet time to ponder. No keeping me up at night, you thoughts! *shoos them*

It really sucks when you know your feelings are BS and you just can't change it somehow. Someone tell me something wise and revealing so I can sleep tonight!! I may as well go buy my tylenol PM now. LOL.