No More Limbo

The end, and a beginning.

2011-01-20T10:39:00.002+01:00

I haven't posted here in a while, and I fear it may be the last time, at least for this incarnation of my blogging life. I've lost a little bit of interest in the birth world, don't get me wrong, I still get fired up about it and believe firmly in women's/babies rights and bodily autonomy, evidence based medicine, blah blah. I am just burned out. Most articles and blogs I read on the subject are just rehashing the same old info, and I'm just a bit too frazzled to sort out newer findings/studies when they've not yet been pieced apart into layman's terms for me. I'm feeling a little...drawn away from that calling. I am shying away from the desire to have another child, and I feel like right now surrounding myself by pregnant women and newborns and the like will not help me to stay NOT pregnant. (I love it, I love having babies, but BABIES, oy they are work, and there are 101 reasons I am pretty damned sure I don't need another one. Close friends, I am still MORE than happy to be birth support and I am itching to witness a birth, if you'll have me.)

So right now, I am moving away from that. But where to? I feel like a bit of a hermit lately. I'm not depressed, in fact I am happier with my life than I have been in a while. But I feel a bit defeated by the outside world right now. I feel like I have so much potential to go and do things and like family life is tying me down a bit. I KNOW there are ways to be accomplished and get out there and go DO things while being a mother to young children, but I am at a loss as to how to go about it. And to what I even want to do! There is so much that needs fixing in this world. There are so many things I am interested in. I feel like all paths are open to me, and it's crazy overwhelming. It feels like almost nothing outside these walls is going right, and even inside, there are issues.

There's the usual, war and hunger and slavery around the world. There are women dying in childbirth to simple things all over (even here at home), abuse and government sanctioned torture. The government is a bloated mass of greed that will happily mow down innocents for the almighty dollar and their idea of democracy and the people having a say is a fucking joke. We “vote” for the lesser of two evils, and we only see the candidates with enough dollars for a big fancy campaign. (I wanted to puke on every single over sized, cardboard, photo quality political flier I got in the mail this past election.) Lobbyists do all the talking for “us” on behalf of whichever corporation has the most money to pay them. (Paid expert witnesses are frowned upon in court, why are we letting them write our laws, people??) Our people are divided more as every day passes, going further and further to extremes of hate, and everyone seems convinced of the lies the media (ALL popular media) tell. Everyone gripes about how awful this or that is with the government, with society, but when pressed, well it's just The Man and there's nothing we can do about it so we're just going to follow along like cattle. (Seen very recently with the fuss over TSA invading privacy and getting grabby.)

Excuse me. Fuck that. Fuck poverty and homelessness and middle/upper class people bitching about the damned lazy poor. Fuck war and the devaluing of human life for the sake of an agenda or a regime. Imperialism and capitalism can both screw off. Fuck treating people who don't love the same way you do as second rate citizens, less than human. Or people that look different. Or believe in a different god or many gods or no gods at all. Or people with different genitals. Different genders (yes, there are more than two).

Can we not just be people? Can we not love all the amazing ways we are different and unique and beautiful? Can we not accept that there just might not be a universal truth outside of love and the many forms it takes? Outside of respect?

I walked through an amazing house tonight, filled with people that I'm sure were equally amazing. I could have spent hours in there just wandering around, feeling the positive energy, seeing the interesting things around the house, the love painted and worn into the walls and floors, the additions added by hand, the creaks and groans and bright colors. People that are part of this world and also working beyond it, that see the possibility of greater things in our culture. That see the beautiful, incredible potential in people. I long for that. I long, I think, for youth lost. It sounds silly, I AM young, but having children is such a massive responsibility. I don't regret them, but I wish I had known. I really do. I long for something greater than the nuclear family (which is bullshit), a positive community of loving individuals that work and help and child rear together as a big extended family.

I don't know the name of a single neighbor on my cul-de-sac. Since we moved in, only a small handful of houses on our short street have not been vacated and refilled. It is a blur of moving trucks and new faces. Few people bother to get to know each other. I don't know people from Anthony's work, there is no community there because his workplace is so toxic they all run from it the moment they are free, and have little desire to be around half the people (those in charge) that they work with even if it involves free food. I have no outside the home work. I have a few lasting friendships now that are also local, and I love them. But still, no community. (There is a community, but it is not child-friendly or financially feasible to be heavily involved in) I long for that. I need to get my ass to the UU church here soon, because I think that may be a taste of what I am looking for.

Everything is in a big state of flux right now. I have changed so much in the last year. Well, outwardly, not so much inwardly. I have finally grabbed a hold of what's underneath a good chunk of cultural conditioning and it's glorious feeling so comfortable in my skin. Being genderqueer. Being not-straight. Understanding so many of the confusing things of my past, knowing the answers now. No, those are not normal thoughts for a straight girl. For a queer genderqueer person, that's another story. What is pansexual? Am I that? If I'm other gendered, even if I wasn't still very much with my male spouse, I'm not a lez. I'm not quite pansexual because I'm not really attracted to cis-gender, straight, male dude-bro's. What about other gender-ambiguous people (who I happen to find crazy sexy)? There isn't even a NAME for that kind of relationship!

I hate that being not straight is this big deal. Like it's a fucking phenomenon and we must announce it to every person we know and meet right off the bat and then wait for them to not accept us or treat us weird. Like, really? Straight people, how often do you have to come out to your friends or family as straight? Why are we even asking these things of people? Question 1. Are you looking to sleep with me? If the answer to question 1 is no, see A. Then you should not give a flying shit, because it in no way effects our dealings with each other, in my world. Can we stop getting hung up on this shit and just accept that people don't come in two flavors for everything, and one is generally better than the other? White is better than black, straight over gay, male over female, rich better than poor, really? Are we STILL doing this?

You know what pisses me the fuck off? That my great grandfather didn't give his surname to his son, born in America, because it was CHAVEZ. Because he wanted him to be able to find work and not get treated like shit. You know what pisses me off more? That we are STILL DOING THIS. Oh yes, we've grown so fucking much. Look, we graduated from Anti-Racism Academy because of our colored Prez, holy shit was that a Mexican? DEPORT THAT LAZY WELFARE SUCKING LOSER!

Seriously guys. I'm over it. I'm pretty sure I've pissed off everyone I know by this point. But this has obviously been building for months. If anyone wants to talk further with me on any subject, feel free. If you want to talk WITH me. Not at me. I already know what Christians feel about me liking tits. I know what conservatives feel about Mexicans and that whole shebang. Please do not come to me with rants that I could easily hear or see anywhere at any time on any major news outlet or political summit. I've heard it. If you want further understanding of things I've revealed here, that's fine. This came out WAY more pissed off than I intended. But, well, I guess I'm pissed. Frustrated. Impotent. Restless. Creative. Rich and bountiful and depleted and exhausted. I am looking to live the life more transparent. I will not rub any ones nose in things I know they don't agree with. But if the issue is brought up with me, I will stand my ground. Some things here may hurt some people, but my intent is never to harm. Reality hurts a bit, I hope it does not cause lasting damage, but a path to a deeper understanding and love of each other. Please come to me if you want to talk. I know I sound crazy confrontational here. It's months, years, a lifetime of pent-up frustration, confusion, understanding. So many things.

I am still in Limbo. Probably always will be. And when I make my new blog, expect it to be more raw, and more a reflection of all of me. Feminism and queerness and politics and babies and families and friends and rocky horror and sci-fi and fantasy and sewing and everything. Give me a few weeks of life-craziness, and I will update with the new and improved blog. :) Love to all, truly.

Parenting, update!

2010-07-02T02:34:00.002+02:00

Well ok, there's nothing NEW new on this front, but I was just reading back through my last post and wanted to update a bit on how things are going.

Ray is doing pretty well with the new, gentler me. Shocking, right? It's been a paradigm shift, from the mainstream view that children need to Obey, and Behave. Children are not meant to do any such thing. Some children are naturally agreeable and will listen more often than others, but I'd guess that the majority are not that way. Certainly, not Ray. And I'm becoming ok with that. I'm letting go of the fear of what other people must think of me because he runs around like a wild person. This is the only time in his life when society will let him be this free, and he will get to enjoy it.

Of course, there are boundaries. Hitting (especially his brother) or pushing is not ok. But even then, I simply sternly ask him not to, and remind him that he can still just move away from Dori if he is being bothered. Also, reminders that Dori is not trying to hurt him with the grabbing pinching and pulling. I also request that he apologize, but we're not real firm on this one yet. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. I will still put him "on the wall" (timeout, basically) for certain things, but not for tantrums, and I stay with him. It's never long, and then I let him up. Often without doing what I asked him because I just don't want to make a huge fight/power struggle out of something minor. Tantrums are met with conversation and comfort.

Dori of course is not yet on this scale anywhere. I know there's really no teaching behaviorally at this age, aside from giving him love and cuddles and kisses whenever possible.

So yeah, things are improving. Of course I forgot to bring my book that I was reading. Not that I'm getting much time to read anyhow. This visit has been enjoyable, but stressful. The stress-issues that it solved have been exchanged for other issues, like more sleep problems (teeth teeth and more teeth. 6 have come in since we got his tongue clipped back in mid-May) and lack of baby-proofing in a house full of adults. (Well it's partially baby-proofed, but we're hitting that age with Dori where he's learning to get into new things every day so it's impossible to stay ahead of him without emptying all rooms of everything!) I'm having fun but I'm starting to long for home.

Will post more later, I really want to get back into blogging! About more than just babies, too. :) Hopefully in the coming months there will be a revelation of sorts, and then I can share alot more on here. I know, MYSTERYYYYYYY. O_O!

Tattoo ideas

2010-06-28T21:35:00.004+02:00

I've been wanting a tattoo, well, for as long as I can remember. But naturally, I'm picky! I want it to be something I LOVE and will hopefully never regret. I want to remember the ideas I have, so I figured I'd just post about it. Also, if anyone reading this is particularly artistic and wants to try their hand at drawing up an idea, please feel free to share. :D I am utterly incapable of drawing lol.

The big one I want when I get back to SD (already pretty sure of my artist) is a small dragon, in the styl eof fire lizards from the Pern series. (Anne McCaffrey) I want him tealy blue, climbing/hanging onto my shoulder, wings slightly spread for balance. Reference pic, smooth out some of the muscley-ness on the arms.

A zodiac tattoo. Found some ambigrams today of just the word cancer that looked pretty sweet. Combine with two simple crabs on the beach with a sunset, perhaps. One blue, one dark red (for Shanna pance). Placement? Forearm/leg maybe.

The Litany Against Fear, Dune series. Maybe paraphrased/shortened slightly. Placement?

Something commemorating the boys. Waiting till we're done having more. Was going to do something with their zodiac symbols but how to incorporate a lion and a set of scales? Lol. Go me, having a kid that's the only non-animal sign. So maybe just the symbol, symbols. Or something else entirely. Give it a few more years. (Hoping Anthony will help design this one!)

More dragons. Little simple ones, maybe of dragons from different cultures. Also like the medieval english lion thingy. Heh. Also, I love lionesses. That would be fun.

Something birthy. A phrase? A picture? I dunno.

Will probably add to this as I think of stuff.

Patient being pushy!

2010-05-08T08:34:00.000+02:00

Today I advocated for my boy. I took him in for his ENT consult. After poking around a moment in his mouth the doctor said his tongue tie was pretty mild, and he didn't think it should be causing much issue. I explained some of our issues (with a little prod from Shanna to get me going), and he didn't seem convinced. He was a bit dismissive, "well, some babies are just difficult" and I'm thinking well, mine is not. He's an easy, sweet, happy baby, that just wants to find comfort in the breast again. And right now, it's not comforting at all. It's frustrating and likely uncomfortable. He has difficulty eating solid foods, although he shows every indication of interest and really enjoys them.

After a bit of back and forth of "well but there's this problem I'm worried about" countered repeatedly with "well but it doesn't seem that severe I don't know if it would help..." I finally just told him flat out that I wanted it clipped. I feel that I've ruled out all other possibilities, and I'm not just being a whiny mom and complaining about two feedings a night. My older son is over two and I've known he's had a tongue tie for the majority of his life, and never clipped it because it has never caused problems. At night I pray and beg and plead with the universe after every waking for just ONE hour. Please, please, just one hour. And as we progressively worsen, I don't even get that. Day or night. That's not healthy for him either. Babies NEED sleep. Good, solid sleep. Not fitful, restless, anxious sleep. Now even when I sleep I dream that he's waking, or that Ray is waking. I honestly don't know how I'm still sane, or still motivated to do anything around here aside from lay around moaning for sleep. I LOVE sleep. It is high on my list of enjoyable leisure activities. LOVE it.

In other Dori news, as of today he is successfully getting his knees up under him. Honest to goodness crawling is in sight. Also, I've not tried sitting him up much in the last few days, and today he was just fantastic at it. His balance took a sudden leap for the better and he was really enjoying being up.

About it for now. I need sleep!

Oh, you.

2010-05-01T00:56:00.003+02:00

A Baby Story (on TLC) has been doing a week of new episodes featuring home births. I am loving it! The births have been beautiful, and a nice little walk down memory lane for me.

Poor Baby Story though, cracked me up a bit. I think they really were thinking they'd end up getting some awesome dramatic footage with lots of craziness when they started in on this idea. They still tried to inject a little drama where there was none, (ominous voiceovers on previews, "...but will they get MORE than they bargained for?!"), but for the most part it seemed fairly innocuous. The births have been lovely, slow, and uncomplicated. The parents have been normal, relaxed, and down to earth. Every single episode I've seen (three of the four, I still have todays left to watch which I believe is the only one featuring a first time mother) highlighted how the couple had a first birth in the hospital that did not go as hoped, and after much research decided on home birth for their second child. The midwives were lovely and knowledgable, not pushy, and treated the women with respect.

We got to hear lots of birth noise, although the last episode I watched (waterbirth in Chicago) they did music over some of her pushing noises. But it's a start. And pushing noises can sound pretty intense to the uninitiated (as my husband and son can tell you!) so I can forgive that. It's a nice little step in normalizing birth, and I'm happy that TLC has treated it so respectfully without fear-mongering of any sort.

Darnit now I want to give birth again. But I really don't want a baby again. LOL. Man I really need to get my doula groove on here soon. I've still never been to a birth other than my own two! Well, whenever I am able to find the childcare and such, I know there will still be women having babies. :)

Small bit of news on the homefront, after a total meltdown day I got my butt in gear and found an ENT with more availability and switched Dori's referral (Shanna totally gets all the credit for this, I was content to moan about in self-pity all day) so we should be seen by the end of next week. THANK GOD. There IS light at the end of this tunnel, and I really want to have this all sorted before we head to SC so I can just enjoy my visit. I am so darned happy, you have no idea. Dori has been trying to cheer me up all day, wanting cuddles so he can get all in my face and be indescribably adorable. My little sweety patoots.
I mean, how can you whinge about with this three inches from your face coating you with drool?

Parenting? I'm working on it.

2010-04-28T08:31:00.003+02:00

I found out some good news today, and it reassured me in many ways. It seems a known problem caused by tongue tie is sleep depravation for the baby and their primary caregiver. Those of you that follow me on Facebook know that Dori has struggled with sleep since birth, and especially in the last month and a half, where he has been waking, almost without fail, hourly, night after night. For a while I thought it was comfort nursing. Anthony deployed a month ago, followed by the three of us getting the flu pretty severely, and no sooner was that over then Dori learned to crawl. I exhaustedly put off sleep training, hoping that once things settled things would get better.

And they didn't. Nightly he changed things up, between falling asleep easily at the breast, to wanting to be bounced/held to sleep, to allowing me to pat his back to sleep. I tentatively tried letting him cry, but thankfully gave up on that one quickly. He's a chronic face-scratcher and if left to his own devices would give himself bloody cuts no matter how I manicured his nails. Swaddling averted that, but then he would get hot and super sweaty...overall, there was just no safe way to do it. I strongly suspected he might be nursing for comfort, in which case letting him cry would be completely counter-intuitive. He just wants a snuggle and reassurance.

I am so glad I stuck with my gut on this one, in light of what I've learned. I've concluded that he's probably just hungry. He's eating enough to grow a little and stay healthy, but I think it's still alot of tough work for him, and he doesn't have the mouth muscle to nurse long enough to get a good dose of hind milk. I think he's essentially drinking enough to satisfy himself, and only gaining weight because he gets that one hour cat nap, then has the strength to nurse a little more and continues thus. This is the problem my little brother had as a tongue tied baby, although in his case it was far more severe, he was so tiny after four months and really struggling.

I've been re-evaluating my parenting skills with Ray as well. My patience with him was wearing oh so thin, and he was really exacerbating the problem by being very obstinate, constantly running away from me (usually out into the street/parking lot) when in stores, and in general just being ornery. My techniques with this were not only unsuccessful, they really disturbed me. I noticed when we first got married and got a puppy that I have a bit of a violent streak, and I'm still not sure where it came from, but coupled with my temper...I am so ashamed of the ways I yelled at and spanked that dog (one quick swat, but a smart one), and that I ended up treating my sweet, sweet boy the same way. Every time I would just hate myself and feel so guilty, and swear it would never happen again, and then he would do something and I'd find myself doing it all over again.

So I've really been digging in and examining why I do what I do, and how I can be better. I discovered that what was so enraging to me, was his lack of acknowledgment of my emotions (anger, generally) and that he wasn't equally distressed by the situation. I wanted to yell and scream until he reacted. When he would just go against my wishes without a hint of emotion, without even giving me any visible attitude, it drove me insane. I've begun reading a book called For Your Own Good, and it's a tough read. Tough in that good way, that makes you think, makes you feel. I am not even far enough in to have received any advice on what I should be doing, rather than what I should not (indeed, I'm not even sure the book offers any), but already I am seeing vast changes in myself and my interactions with Ray (and thusly, his interactions with me), and I hope those continue.

For example today, as we got in the car. (This being after I had to cajole and coax and wrestle him a bit to get him dressed.) I put Dori in, and Ray wandered about our yard and near the neighbors yard. He didn't go into the street, which is a plus, though he did pointedly walk along the very edge of the gutter. I called to him that it was time to go, and naturally, he giggled and took off. Before, I would have run after him, yelling, demanding he come back. I would catch him, and roughly sweep him into my arms, scolding him all the way to the car. Depending on if he struggled, I might sit him roughly in his seat and continue talking to him about how he MUST listen to me, as I strapped him in. (God I am so ashamed.)

Today, I just stood by the car. I reminded him that we needed to go, and calmly asked him to come get in the car. He continued running around, and I informed him that I wasn't going to chase him, because it wasn't a game. After a minute or so of him playing by himself while I waited, he shouted "coming!" and ran right to me. Once in the seat he started to struggle, diving to one side to make it impossible for me to buckle him. I found a toy car, and showed it to him. He wanted it immediately, and I held it out of his reach, saying that once he was buckled he could have it. He made a few more futile lunges for it, then settled into his seat and allowed me to buckle him. I gave him the car.

Just in reading bits of this book, and taking the time to understand a little better how my treatment really does affect him, and makes him feel, has done wonders for my patience. Things that before would have me hollering and beyond frustrated, don't phase me. I calmly assess the situation, and act as gently as possible while still getting the same point across, without bullying him and scaring him. I am working on accepting him as he is, strong will and all. I hit a point in Dori's pregnancy when I realized I had not fully allowed myself to love this new baby. That I was afraid I might not like him. And I realized it was silly to worry about, that in a family, you don't LIKE each other all the time. You don't get along hunkey dorey every moment of the day, but you still love each other. I resolved then to love Dori no matter what, and our bond blossomed in that moment. For the first time I really felt connected to that little man.

I am re-finding that connection with Ray. I am going back to the basics, and loving him as is, and spending less time trying to mold him into something he's not. So if you see a little boy with wild blonde hair, running through a store happily shrieking, do not think less of his mama for not howling after him, scolding him up one side and down the other for not listening. I'm just working on working WITH him, on his terms, in ways that are gentle to his vulnerable little self.

(Again, I highly highly recommend this book to everyone with a pulse, current parent of small children, adult children, or having ever been a child themselves.)

(Edit: This is not a judgement on anyones parenting techniques, what works for one will not work for another. It just became clear to me that what I was doing was not working at all, and could be hurting as well, and needed a change.)

For the sake of some clarity

2010-04-16T03:40:00.002+02:00

I guess there has been concern over my addition to CesareanScar.com . I've received some worry and honestly, it annoys me. (Anthony, Shanna, you're off the hook as we already talked a bit and I get where you're coming from and I think you understand what's going on.) I am not in some deep dark place of woe over Ray's birth. And if I was? It's not anyones place to dig me out. Unless of course it's really affecting my quality of life or ability to cope with life. Which it isn't.

It made me feel guilty for posting on the site. It made me feel like I shouldn't feel what I do. And honestly? It was a writing assignment. It's like, four paragraphs. There is no way I can sum up the width and breadth of my feelings on this matter in those many words! I don't think there are enough words in the universe. I took a picture of my scar, sat down and looked at it while considering the questions posed by the site, and the words poured out. It was energizing and a bit cathartic, I had not even realized some of these things were still hiding in there until they came pouring out through my fingertips and my tears.

I think I've felt unconsciously pressured, since my VBAC, to be All Better. But a VBAC is not a bandaid or a magical cure all. Were some things healed? Sure. Some questions were answered. I will admit with a bit of a red face that part of my rush for another child was to get it "right". (There were many other reasons of course, Dori has always been desired on his own merits, and we have always wanted kids somewhat close in age.) But along the way I conquered alot of my demons, learned more about Ray's birth, and in some ways, put it behind me. By the time Dori's birth was imminent, it was about HIS birth, and there was not a thought of somehow fixing Ray's birth, only not repeating the same mistakes, and overall achieving a happier, healthier birth for us all. The VBAC was a great birth, but it was really the pregnancy itself that pushed me to process, to grow, to confront my fears and examine my feelings in real depth.

Since I've been reading CS.com, I've been doing alot of thinking. Alot of the other stories have elements of truth for me. It's a many-faceted experience in my minds eye. There you can find women who are triumphant, who have wrung positivity out of negativity, still feel the anguish and relish in the joy of their children. I read them and go "No wait, I feel that too!". And what I wrote, is not true all the time. But it is Truth, if that makes sense. I realized after writing it that it's not entirely factual at this time (I lift my flab and poke at my scar almost every time I go to the bathroom now, but only a year ago I NEVER touched it willingly. My midwives urged me to massage it with oil or lotion and I fearfully heeded their advice) but it once was. These were the words that wanted to be written. They do not speak of the rage, the disappointment, the guilt, the sorrow, the shame, the passion and the purpose in their entirety.

I am not just masochistically digging up difficult feelings. They find me and give me opportunities to heal, mend, and mourn. I try to keep my finger close to the throbbing pulse of the birth-blogging world, and when something jumps out at me that I can lend my voice to, I do so.

I am healed, I am healing, I am changing, I am re-discovering, I am mourning, I am rejoicing, I am determined, I am helpless. There is so much to be done to mend birth in our country, and I will not stop shouting about the good, the bad, and the scarred as long as I live. :)

Contrast and Compare

2010-04-08T06:42:00.009+02:00

Rixa posted about contrasting labor/birth pictures, and I thought I would add my own in as they are very very different! Most notably, she linked to a few posts contrasting the difference in the mothers, after a traumatic birth, versus a victorious birth. Here we go!

Laboring with Ray. I want to say this is on pitocin, but before they broke my water. Things are unpleasant, but not killer at this point. Still? Not pleased being induced, and this is already the second day in. Note the distance between us. (Later on I got closer and clutched onto him, but for most of it it was more like this.)

In the pool with Dori, only a few short hours into active labor, and they have all my attention. But in between, I laughed and chatted and had fun.
This is the first time I held Ray, nearly an hour after his birth. He had been bathed, his eyes filled with goop, and wrapped head to toe. Even though we were both healthy with no complications, we were kept apart for that first hour while I shivered and tried to wiggle my toes and chatted with the less than interested corpsman who was hanging around to make sure I didn't die.
The first time I held Dori, before anyone else. Covered in our birth goo, he didn't get a bath for at least a week! He smelled so amazing. My eyes are closed thanks to me blinking from the flash, but I'm pretty sure that's a bit of a smile. :)

I look tired and stunned. Ray is miles from my face.

Honestly, there is no pic in the immediate postpartum with me looking away from him. I know that I glanced away to see Anthony, and Ray, when they met him, but that was it.

Sleeping, a few hours later. Maybe even the next day. The nurses had found him sleeping on me (supported by the boppy) and me dozing as well and apparently that just would not do.

The only place Dori would settle down to sleep.

Obviously I don't love one boy more than the other. But there is no mistaking how the difference in birth affected our first days together and my feelings about myself. When Ray first came out and gave his first cry, it was ear piercing. Heart wrenching. He just kept shrieking and shrieking, the OB and OR techs could barely speak and be heard over him. In the months that followed, with shots, hunger, gas, colds, circumcision (sadly), he NEVER again cried that way. NEVER.

Dori gave a few quiet little squawks and just started looking around. People say I was brave to do it at home, but I can't fathom being in the hospital and enduring that again. If there was no other way, because of health issues for me or the baby, then I would. But when we're both healthy? HELL. NO. I have experienced birth when it is just that, birth. Without a big fuss and to do, without urgency and drama and poking and prodding and fiddling and adjusting and MANAGING. Birth is not perfect, and inherently there is a level of danger. But there is danger everywhere in life, and babies and mommies can die in the hospital too. It is NEVER a sure thing. There are more studies out all the time reiterating what we have found to be true, that in a low-risk, normal birth, being home is at least as safe as the hospital, and in some cases, safer.

It can still be challenging, difficult and overwhelming, without being traumatic. In the hospital, I was actually treated pretty well. There were only one or two nurses I had any issue with, and they were more annoying than anything else. No one mistreated me. It was a normal, average, common hospital birth. And that, to me, is terrifying, because it was long, excruciating, discouraging, harrowing, and yes, traumatic. (No, I thankfully do not have ptsd, but there are many moms that do) While I loved my baby, and bonded well with him, there was a disconnect. My mind and my body had trouble registering that 1. I was no longer pregnant and 2. This was the same baby that had been inside me nearly 10 months. I gotta say, I never felt that way with Dori. To this day, I have trouble connecting Ray Outside with Ray Inside. With Dori, it was not even a first meeting, it was oh, nice to see you today! This was DEFINITELY the same baby I had been lugging around all summer!

So anyway, I ramble. It's been a while since I posted about this stuff. It's still simmering and cooking in the back of my mind. It's not all consuming, not even really distressing, just something I'm still processing and understanding, drawing strength and self-knowledge from.

ZOMGGGG

2010-03-16T08:14:00.002+01:00

Ok, I don't even know where to start. There has just been soooooo much going on. Oy.

First off, ICAN night. It was fantastic. Finally met an online friend and I think we hit it off pretty well. Really looking forward to hanging with her again once Anthony has departed.

Which leads me to, we're on our two weeks and counting. Or a little less. AHHHH. I don't want him to go. We're doing a lot lot LOOOOOOTTTTT better than we were just a few months ago. Things were really strained and not fun and so much resentment and just YUCK. So happy that we're on a better page. I won't say we're at our best, but we're working towards it. And not a moment too soon, as he's about to leave for half a year.

Boo on that, by the way. Breaks my heart that Dori will be just about to his first birthday when he comes home. (Pray he's at least here for that, this year is 3/3 of Ray's that he's missed)

I will save Ray and Dori post for tomorrow or something.

It's just been a flurry around here as we are late in getting our tax refund (long story) and the heap of things that need doing that come with that, and Anthony preparing to leave and just so much stuff. Big news in the VBAC world this week (and a big month in the birth world in general) with the NIH conference. My head is still swimming. I really need to download the conference and listen for myself. I've been fairly quiet on that front of late, on my VBAC support boards on babycenter. Kind of burned out and overwhelmed, wanting to do more but not really able to at the moment. I know that the one by one advice/support/encouragement does help, I really do. It's just so daunting seeing almost identical posts just file in one after the next after the next. Hopefully in a few months when things have settled I'll have a little more energy to give to these lovely ladies, for now my home life is in need of the majority of it.

I was so going to write more but it's been a busy wonderful energizing but tiring evening, and sleep last night was utter and complete shit. Need sleep. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSS. (Also, I have to drag my husband to bed --to sleep--, kicking and screaming if I must, after he stayed up till SIX AM playing final fantasy last night. NOT OK! At least, not when he's promised to get up early and finally, fucking finally, finish this paperwork fiasco and get Dori all into the navy system where he should be.)

More soon, I promise! I miss blogging so very much. <3

We are here we are here we are here!

2010-01-31T07:44:00.003+01:00

I've not forgotten this blog just yet! I'd say I've been too busy to write, but with the exception of today that's really not true. Again, I've fallen into the rut of "I should write about this..." and I just haven't.

Still waiting on Dori to be a full person on paper. We have his birth cert, and are currently waiting on his SSC so that we can enter him in DEERS, and thusly TRICARE! My god, what a wonderful day that will be. Hopefully having to go through all this (and having to do all the "cleanup" himself) will help motivate Anthony to be a little more proactive on the paperwork. Hey, girl can dream!

In spite of it all, Dori is still growing. Probably a little less chunky than he would be without the tie, but he's by no means in any danger. :) Things are becoming a tad on the painful side for me, but I think part of that is him moving more fully into teething. He likes to take the random chomp on my nipple. Owwwooooooooo. Not nice!

He is, overall, a really sweet and happy guy. He loooooves attention, but he rewards it so nicely, with happy coos and gurgles, grins and raspberries. Drool is everywhere. I go through 2-3 shirts a day that are just ring-em-out SOAKED, and he goes through more. How babies at this age are not perma-dehydrated is beyond me. I love it though. He is quite the mover and shaker. In quite the rush to be following brother around, this kiddo is not content to just lie around doing nothing. He still wiggles all over on his back, but he's recently added back to tummy rolling (and occasionally tummy to back) to his reportoire. Even more recently, he's enjoying tummy time more. He's reaching for toys, and when he gets them (or, even better, a burp rag) he clutches them to his mouth with both hands, like a little chipmunk, and just starts slathering them in drool and chomping away.

Ray is still only half interested. He's helped with a couple diapers now, and will sometimes show Dori a toy to entertain him, but mostly he just pays enough attention to him not to step on him and that's it. (Honestly, that's enough for me right now lol) He will talk to him though, and lord knows Dori LOVES watching big brother. Grins big whenever he comes near. Ray is going to have a shadow before he knows it!

He (Ray) is still growing his vocabulary by leaps and bounds. Sentences become more intelligible by the day and come each evening he's always tried out 4-5 new words.

I'm discovering the joys of domesticity. Well, more specifically, doing things with my hands that yield lasting results. (Dishes = not fulfilling, sewing something I can use daily = highly fulfilling and FUN) Really enjoying what little sewing I'm able to do. Bought a few things today I've been in need of, and soon I'll be setting to work turning the remainder of an old sweater into 1-2 more diaper covers. (I already made wool longies with the sleeves and they are fantastic) I've also discovered a site with some nifty free diaper patterns to use with scrap cloth around the house (which we have tons of, between worn out bed sheets and Anthony's ridiculous number of black t-shirts). SO excited to get started on that but trying to hold off until I get my rotary cutter in the mail next week. I also turned a receiving blanket into 20 wipes, took about 2 hrs and again, very easy. Latest project (and quickest) was a pair of knee socks into arm warmers, the kind that come to the palm and have a hole for the thumb. I actually did those by hand, though they admittedly required almost no sewing at all.

I'm not sure what the inspiration has been, but I've just been so enjoying the thrifty stuff. I'm yearning for a garden. I should really plant some things in pots when spring gets closer (well I could probably do it now, not like we'll get a freeze here). I'm wanting chickens to have fresh eggs, of all things. And you all know how much I LOVE 1. birds and 2. pets in general. Of course the latter is merely a pipe dream for now, I wouldn't even want chickens in a yard this small. Ideally one day we'd have a little spot of land (say, an acre or two would be more than sufficient) so that we wouldn't have them quite so near the house. Plus by that time the boys will be older and we can make a big homeschooling to do over it all. :)

I think that's it. I'm craving nature. And basics. And things that I did growing up. This neighborhood, this whole area, is just stifling with civilization. I want space. I want trees that weren't planted by human hands to "green up" the place. I want bushes and plants that aren't landscaped. Places I can take the boys where they will actually have a chance at seeing wildlife. Space to run! We're in a cul-de-sac but the whole street is so packed with cars and people come flying in here...I'm free-range but it scares even me. I hate that the only place to take Ray and let him run (nearby) are carefully manicured parks and playgrounds.

Reminds me, I really need to take a trip over to our nearest real park. (Like, with hiking/biking trails) Soon. My soul needs nature. I think maybe that's why I've been craving "weather" too. It's just so pasteurized here, and then on top of it even the weather is insufferably predictable.

In short, California, or at least this part of it, is not for me. Not long term.

Still going to ICAN, and loving it. It feeds my soul, directly, talking with like-minded women about my passion. It's honestly stunning how satisfying it is. I recommend a meeting or two to EVERY woman that gets anywhere near birth, whether it's through her profession or because she's expecting. Whether she's had a c-section or not. Go with your ears and heart open, even if you don't say anything. You won't regret it. (Of course, it's entirely possible that the San Diego ICAN is just the best thing ever. Hehehe)

Work continues for Anthony. Same bullshit different year, week, day, hour. Trying to keep our heads up, that thankfully it won't last forever. Before we know it this ship will be in the past and we'll be on to something new, hopefully better. For now, it's tough. We see him so little, just a few hours a few nights a week, and if we're lucky, one day on the weekend. If we're REALLY lucky, both days. Made all the more difficult because we get so little time, and too soon he'll be in Bahrain again. Until October. 3rd Ray birthday that he'll miss, hoping it'll be the last. He may be home for Dori's first, we shall see. It blows my mind that he'll come back to a one year old. And breaks my heart. But I try not to bring it up, because I know it must be so, so hard for him. I start missing my babies if they take an extra long nap. I can't imagine having to leave for even a week, much less 7 months. :( I know they'll survive, and they'll still have a great relationship with him. My mom was gone so much when I was Ray's age, and look at us now? Still jabbering on the phone for hours every few days. Close as could be. But still, it hurts to see it in the short term and I'm sure she still gets a pang for that time lost with me. (At least if all those claims of drunken, weepy "I miss you!" phone calls are to be believed. Lol)

Alright well that's it for now. We keep on keeping on. Squeezing the joy we can get out of it and surviving the rest. There's alot of joy, truly. I just wish Anthony had the time to get more of it. Four years, almost exactly, to being FREE! (Of course we'll be off this atrocious ship before then, thank GOD. I hope it sinks. With no one aboard, naturally.)

Still kickin!

2009-12-31T08:55:00.001+01:00

I need to write more. Truly. There is so much going on, and I'm constantly thinking "I should write about this, or I'll forget it" and then it just never happens. So there's one thing I want to do different this year, blog again! I really sputtered into silence the last half of this year. It has been overwhelming, but these days I'm getting a little more time on my hands. And I don't want Dori to go entirely undocumented. :)

But for now I won't bug you too much with baby woes, suffice it to say that things go as well as can be expected with a 2.5 month old and a 2.5 year old. He's really pretty darn good with sleeping now, nursing is going swimmingly in spite of an ever-tightening tongue tie in need of clipping. (And there's a whole huge hassle in between the lines of that that I don't feel like rehashing)

Marriage has been rockier than ever, but we're working on it. Bullheadedness and "I have it HARDER!" has abounded and rebounded and just been fucking everywhere. We've been butting heads on the same issue for weeks, but I think tonight we finally made some progress, or at least found our next course of action. If you can't get in through the door, try the window, and if that's locked too try another window, kind of thing.

So what, you ask, may have helped still this marital squabble? Hopefully, some time to myself. Anthony has WoW, and I just don't jive that way these days. I can't take 3+ solid hours 3 days a week, and certainly not when he's doing the same thing at the same time! Which is fine with me. I'd really prefer something more productive and less Nand. Holy mother of god, less woman-hating mother effing NAND. He fears me, and for good reason. If I could kill him with MIND BULLETS he would be a bloody splatter.

Anyhow, I want to run. (Just had another epiphany, I want to HIKE. This is even better, although will not occur as frequently. I have been dying to camp and get outdoors, but at least, this I could do. YES.) But yes, I want to get back in shape. I meant to after Ray, and it didn't happen. Now I'm chasing two and I feel it, and holy crap guys, I'm 23. I should not be grunting and heaving and clutching furniture to pull my ass off the floor, especially when I just dropped 30 lbs in the last two months. (The first 20 disappeared in the first two weeks. Holy metabolism, batman) I'd like to do the occasional 5k or join some of my family at a half marathon. Maybe next year (2011) on that last.

I also am really enjoying my sewing machine, but finding time with both boys asleep is REALLY difficult. Like many babies this age, Dori is often awake until 10 or 11pm or later, and once he's finally down that means I need to sleep also. So we're going to move the sewing desk up to his (as yet unused) room. A few days a week, when Anthony gets home from work, I will either go for a run or spend an hour sewing, uninterrupted and away from small children. He gets his WoW time, which helps him relax and unwind and is something fun for him. And I get some fun stuff too. (Our previous arrangement was that on raid nights he would make dinner and do some other helpful things like dishes or straightening the living room. This started chafing though, I'm not keeping a damn chore chart here people. There are no WoW stars to earn. I refuse to ever tell him that he cannot play, because that is not my place. We are equals, I am not his fucking mother. I don't want to have authority over him, and I know he doesn't want to come home to more marching orders. Further, if he helps I want him to help because he actually wants to help ME or is just plain taking initiative to get shit done. Either is cool with me.)

It was a long tense night before we discussed this, and the solution (at least the start of it) didn't hit me till I was nursing Dori to sleep. While I still would like him to occasionally decide to skip a raid night because we have other craziness going on, I think alot of my issue was jealousy. "What entitles him to this activity irrevocably when I get diddly?" So there. Now I get something too.

We also talked about other stuff, but I prefer not to spread that around the internet so much. Time will tell how it may or may not improve.

Leaving tomorrow for Sacramento to see brother in law and his wife and kiddles. Bio-Dad-in-law will be there too, which is AWESOME. :) It'll be the first time he's with both his boys since they were kids, and the first time he'll have all his grandkids there too! Plus he's just plain fun to be around. I like spending enjoyable time with good family. Will be a much needed escape for us I think.

Well I think that's it for tonight. I'm done with survival mode. It's fine for a short period of time, but I need to LIVE. I've been harping on Anthony for choosing WoW while life passes us by, but I've been doing no better.

I really didn't mean to be all resolutiony tonight lol but I guess it just happens sometimes.

Dorian's birth

2009-10-22T23:02:00.002+02:00

Well it will probably take a few days to get this finished, but I'm finally starting on Dori's birth story. :)

I don't even know where to begin? Things so smoothly moved along that it's hard to call any point a starting point. A week before I started labor I lost my mucus plug. I'd been downing red raspberry leaf tea and doing evening primrose oil nightly for a few weeks. I was gently getting to know my cervix during that time, and was so pleased when I started to feel changes down there. The mucus plug and then the bloody show the following night really excited me, not because it meant labor was terribly close but because I had never had signs like these with Ray.

I battled a few days between anxiety over when things would start, and how much I was doing (and not doing) to help things along. My body gave me gentle reminders, on days when I was not very active I would have the most show and practice labor, the following day if all was quiet and I tried taking walks and upping my activity things stayed quiet. After a few days fighting my brain and reminding myself that labor would come with NO HELP from me, I settled down and relaxed. If my body didn't seem to be getting "busy", I would take it as a day of rest and relax.

As the week progressed I continued having show, and noting my cervix feeling more and more open. He was still spinning, changing positions and figuring out where he wanted to be for the big show. I did pretty well not getting impatient, being thankful that every cm gained quietly was less time to spend on the hard stuff.

Oct 13th I had my 40 week midwife appointment. Everything was normal, I was still measuring quite small at 35cm. I refused a cervix check, being satisfied with my own findings for the time being. (Of course La Shel was not pushy at all, simply offered as a matter of course) After that my mom, Ray and I headed up to a baby supply store up in Vista that I knew had cloth diapers. I wanted to paw over some in real life so I had a better idea of what I was looking at online. On the drive home I had a couple contractions but nothing terribly noteworthy. Had some lunch at home and then I headed out for a nice long walk. Came home and had a good nap. The contractions continued that evening, and my mom and I went for another walk and enjoyed the halloween decorations going up all over the neighborhood.

Shanna called and asked that if anything was progressing at all she be notified, as she was planning on driving to Long Beach in the morning and had a strong feeling if she went she'd only have to turn right around and drive down to us. I slept fitfully that night, waking up to 2-3 painful contractions an hour. I got up for a bit at 3am as I was pretty uncomfortable in bed, and after a bit of milling about called Shanna wondering when she might prefer to leave to avoid traffic, and promising to keep her updated. I went back to bed, but again sleep was pretty crappy past the first hour. In the morning Anthony headed to work, and I went ahead and asked Shanna to come down and join us. I knew it wasn't moving fast, but I felt like it was moving.

We enjoyed a fairly quiet day, the contractions staying roughly 10 minutes apart for most of the day and nothing I could not easily breathe through. Could still talk and walk with them, although it was not preferred! I took a walk with Shanna in the afternoon, and then retreated upstairs for a shower and a nap as I was feeling a bit like a watched pot with all the family here and not too much action to report. Again I got about an hour of sleep before contractions returned. After dinner I went for another walk with my mom, and then we settled in for some TV and mostly girl talk. I continued having slightly more intense contractions and we went to bed well after midnight. Again, I got an hour or two of decent sleep before being in bed was just unbearable.

I came down and wandered in the dark a bit, as Shanna was asleep on the couch. After a while I woke her, wanting to clear out some of the bigger toys in preparation for the birth pool/air mattress being set up in the living room. Unsure of what to do with myself (I definitely wasn't ready to drag people out of bed and set the pool up) I headed up to shower again. I decided I may as well make a last attempt at sleep. I saw Anthony off to work after showering, and then laid down. This time I only lasted about an hour and a half laying down (switching sides after each contraction because it seemed to put an extra 10-15 mins in between them if I didn't stay in one position too long) before they just got too uncomfortable in bed. I would rub furiously at my lower back trying to give myself some counterpressure and moan a bit, not fun at all. So up I got.

Anthony had scheduled his leave to begin at the end of the workday on the 15th, and figuring he'd be out of work the next two weeks any way and there would be no other false alarms (if this ended up one), so I went ahead and called him home around 9am. He had joked about how he was so excited about this drive home, because he planned on speeding recklessly and using the "my wife is having a baby!" excuse on any cops if he got stopped. I pointed out that around here that may not go over so well, as we have alot of military and mexicans and what do we do but have babies? *laugh* And you know, I wanted my children to still have a father post-birth. He kept it to a meandering 100mph. (Or so he claims...)

I called La Shel after that and let her know things were progressing. I had a good contraction for her on the phone, in case there was any doubt left in me if this was "it" or not. We were planning on setting up the pool in the next hour or two and she asked that I call her back then, unless I felt I wanted them there sooner.

As we ticked down to about 5 minutes between contractions I hopped in the pool. (This being around 11am the morning of the 15th) I was still handling things rather well, they definitely got my attention but I was still alright on my own for the next hour, ooooooo'ing and ohhhhhh'ing and ahhhhh'ing my way through, swaying my hips or thrusting them. Each one seemed to have 5-6 short peaks rather than one big one, a bit of a pulsing sensation. I thought of laboring with Ray, just barely into active labor and having minute long pit contractions with about 15-20 seconds of lesser pain, but not NO pain in between, and being told that I just "have a fast contraction pattern". My ass! Here I was well into labor and still having a few minutes of peace between each one, able to relax, talk, laugh, and just feel pretty darn normal.

I checked myself at some point in the pool and felt Dori's head just beneath a gooshy layer of amniotic sac. It was very cool, and so encouraging. Around 12:30-1pm I had my mom call the midwives, as the time between contractions was shortening to 2-3 minutes and I was needing to clutch onto someone in the midst of them. Shanna, Anthony, my mom all took turns. I think this is around the time I asked that Ray be put to bed for his nap.

La Shel and Jamin arrived at 1:30pm, and things went pretty quick from there. I was pretty vocal with each contraction at this point. La Shel checked me in the pool and found I was a stretchy 7cm. Not sure of the station but lord knows the child was DOWN there. I was also getting a liiiittle bit pushy at this point. The midwives wanted me out of the pool for a bit to get fresh water put in and because they prefer moms not stay in the water too long (and had told me this before the birth although I can't remember when, but I'm sure they did) as things progressed a bit faster being mobile. So out I went and I was not too thrilled by it, but I had also thought I was a little further into transition and so moving things along a little sounded good too. I said I wanted to try sitting on the toilet so we slooowly made our way to the bathroom, me clutching onto Shanna's back and having 2-3 contractions just to get the ten steps there.

Anthony came into the bathroom briefly to see what was up, and Shanna tried to step away and let him have some time with me but I knew he was starting to get a little distressed by my noise and all the commotion. Just as she stepped out a contraction started I all but pushed him away and managed to say, "No, Shanna!" and made a grab for her. So she came back and Anthony took off to grab Ray, who was wakened by all the yelling I'm sure. (If he'd even slept at all, I don't know how long he was up there.) My "ohhhh"s and "ahhhh"s had become "AHHHHHH"s and "OHHHHHH"s, although I did manage to keep the tone lower (sometimes with suggestion from my support people) to avoid any screaming. I wanted off the toilet so we decided on the birth ball in the hall near the kitchen. It felt pretty good but it became pretty clear I was pushing with contractions here so La Shel asked that I move to the bed quick to get checked before I started pushing in earnest.

Again, this took a couple of contractions, but we made it and found I was complete! Only 20 minutes after the midwives arrived at 7cm. (Which I'd like to think would account for all the bellowing, thank you very much.) At some point in here Anthony had taken Ray for a walk up to the park. He'd tried bringing him downstairs and Ray wanted to come see me, but every time I started yelling he would get scared and hide his face in dads shoulder.

So I digress, they checked me and immediately grabbed an amnio hook and started talking about breaking my water. I closed my legs up quick, able only to say "nooooooo!". Jamin got down in front of me and explained quickly that the bag of water was really bulging and might be making the urge to push stronger at this point. She said also that I could push against the bag quite a while but it may slow down the baby coming. So I agreed and they broke it right away. (I love it, communication, respect of my wishes, it's wonderful stuff and really how hard was that? To explain it to me quickly? For all that I was in labor land I was still able to process her words, make a decision, and even remember it all.)

So the pushing begins! The pool had been emptied but was by no means full again. For a few minutes (entirely to appease my desire to get back in the pool and not in preparation for it actually becoming a reality) my mom continued filling the pool so I could get back in for the birth. I tried hands and knees but kept squatting back with every push, sitting on the babies head is not the best way to get him out! I was not terribly comfortable anyways. So I tried side-lying, and that's what we stuck with. They tried to keep me pushing slowly to avoid tearing too badly, but it was SO hard. I'm a pretty strong pusher anyhow and my body was taking no prisoners, I was pushing whether I wanted to or not and there was no half-assing it. I could either not push (very hard, lots of "blowing out the candle") or push like the dickens. So we went back and forth, go ahead and push, then wait hold it right there wait wait stretch stretch and then relax. Up until the last push or two that birthed him he turtled right back in there between contractions. I thought before hand that having that happen would really really discourage me but in the moment it was kind of a relief.

I was able to look down with a mirror and see his fuzzy head, and feel the squished up patch of skin that was emerging. Just a moment later (and wow, did pushing ever hurt. HOOOOLLLYYYYYY CRAP guys, that burning/stinging SUCKS) and his head was out, it was so cool feeling his shoulders pop down into the heads previous location, and I must say alot more comfortable. Another small push (same contraction) and his shoulders came easy, and La Shel told me to reach down and grab my baby. Some of the sweetest words I have ever heard in my life. So I reached down and grabbed him, although they had to slow me down because his legs were still in there! One last little "umph" and he slid out, and my mom leant a hand as I brought him to my chest. There really are no words for how amazing it was in that moment. I could live there in my head quite happily. :)

He gave a couple little squawks but really didn't cry much at all. The cord was once around his chest, which I know scared my poor Shanna a bit but it wasn't compressed or tight at all. There was ALOT of cord, and the placenta came flying out hot on Dorian's heels. A smaller chunk had seperated from it, and that took a little bit of pushing/coughing to come out, but out it came. The next 20-30 mins I just lay there holding onto my boy. Just a few minutes after the birth Anthony returned from the park with Ray, their timing could not have been more perfect.

(For those wondering Anthony and I both knew and accepted that while he was comfortable with our birth plans, he was not keen on being present as he gets pretty distressed. He ended up being around for almost the whole labor, and he was so supportive and loving and relaxed it was just fantastic. The whole environment was 100% better for him, not just me.)

So at 2:25pm, weighing in at 8lbs 8oz and 21 3/4" long. After 2 days of gentle labor at home, roughly 6-8 hours of that being active labor, and one hour of crazy omg transition/pushing, I gave birth to my baby boy right here in my living room, on an air mattress. As some of you may recall I ended up with two tentatived due dates, one Oct 5th, by a 16 week dating ultrasound and fundal measurement that seemed supportive of that date, and Oct 12th, by last menstrual period. Towards the end of the pregnancy I decided for my sanity to go by the later date of the 12th. Well Dorian was born without a speck of vernix, loooooong fingernails, and very pruny hands and feet. La Shel marked him down as gestating 41 weeks 3 days, which I agree with. I do bake them long, but it was nice not feeling like the days were just dragging on and on, counting and worrying as I got later and later. He came right at the perfect time, when he was ready, with no coaxing at all. :)

My Apology to the Universe

2009-10-12T13:25:00.004+02:00

I had one of those awesome awkward moments tonight, when I completely and utterly embarassed myself. Thank you mama, for inadvertently pointing out how hard I fell on my face not so very long ago. (And I mean that honestly, it was something I'd not thought of in a long while or how much I've changed since then.) Barb was witness to my uncomfortable side-stepping and back-tracking as I awkwardly tried to make myself look like a little less of a dumbass, it probably didn't work so well. Lol.

Anyways, enough with being cryptic. At dinner tonight when I mentioned an old friend of mine (and I've mentioned her on here numerous times I'm sad to say, my neighbor in Spain that had her baby a week after we had Ray) that, looking back, I'm surprised stayed friends with us. We were all reasonably close, as couples go, had quite a bit in common as we all liked to play World of Warcraft, weren't really big on the local social scene (lots of bar-hopping), ended up having our first children around the same time. But man, in secret we were so harsh on them. We talked alot of shit, that I'm really not proud of. Compared ourselves to them frequently over all kinds of things, and getting pregnant just made it worse.

I see now that we were starting at such opposite ends of the spectrum just to begin with. On top of being, DUH, totally different people in different circumstances, everything was different from the start. We got pregnant on purpose. They went off birth control, but were surprised. I was super thrilled, she was unsure how to feel at the start, in spite of being my elder by a few years. I had a breezy, chipper first trimester that involved an obscene amount of food consumption and sleep, she could barely keep food down and didn't want to leave the house. And it just went downhill from there. Once I got over my initial fears of learning about birth I started devouring all the information I could get my hands on. She reluctantly borrowed Dr Sears The Birth Book from me much later in the pregnancy, but did end up reading it and feeling a bit better about what was to come.

I never really thought before tonight about how much she's taught me about myself, and oh it has not been pretty. I never really embraced our differences, I stuck my nose up privately and consulted my Bad Mother measuring stick. It really strikes hard when I consider how I held her up to my Bad Birth measuring stick. Her birth was my first chance to use it, and I did. I see now even before I realized I was at all unhappy with my own birth, I was sneering at hers. Back then, by george she'd had it EASY. She'd been induced (gah, "just like me!" again!) and had quickly progressed. By quickly I mean it didn't take two days. She'd gone in for a normal appointment on an empty stomach, was found to have low fluid and rushed off to be induced. After laboring (and starving) all day, she got the same half-assed epidural I did the week before, and before they even had time to fix it (as they had for me) she was pushing. Or rather, the nurse was pushing with her, on the top of her belly. Her little girl was born vaginally but still had a bit of fluid in her lungs. Something happened postpartum with bleeding or the placenta, I'm not sure, but the poor woman was so weak she could scarcely hold her baby until they got home. Little girl spent days hacking up fluid with an IV splinted in her arm.

Before tonight I'd not thought about her birth in, well, a very long time. I wonder now that I ever saw that as easy or better for ANYone. I wonder what awful, callous things I said to her when I was lost in my own confusion and hurt in the following months. I know some of the awful things I thought of her, as I shared them on here and with other friends/family. (Not so much about her birth, I think, but her parenting in general got sized up frequently as we really had no other new parents in our circle of friends to splash our judgement upon)

Please don't take it wrong here, I cannot blame the shitty friendship I offered her on my birth experience, as I know we were doing it long before Ray came into our lives. I'm starting to think it's no wonder they preferred to hang around on base (rather than go explore Spain) with people like us offering our companionship.

To take this in a slightly different direction now, I'm getting a handle on my pride. I don't think I fully understood how darned full of myself I was. (And AM, as long as I'm attempting honesty here) I thought, before my first ICAN meeting a few months ago, that I was doing pretty darn good on my path to recovering emotionally from the birth. At the beginning of this year I had a wake up call on my attitude that lead to me being able to be happy for another woman for her birth. To empathize with her over things not going as she'd planned, even though for ME it would seem like an ideal birth, I could understand that for her it wasn't. That HER experience of it was what mattered, and not my very biased judgement of it.

Then I went to ICAN. And look at me! Look at how well I'm recovering! Look at how at peace I am! I could barely get through a cliffs notes version of Rays story without breaking down. Insert screeching tire sounds here! What was all this emotion still hanging around about? My pride plodded on though, oh it was just being able to talk about it openly. Yes that was it. I'm not still harboring bitterness and negativity, right? His birth brought me to where I am today! I LIKE it here!

Last month I went to the BOLD Red Tent Event (which is fantastic, mind you). I didn't share. I heard stories similar to mine, and not. I laughed, I cried, I fought with myself about whether or not I would share. I knew it would probably be a good idea. I didn't do it. After it was over, I talked to a few ladies I knew, and jokingly said that maybe I'd share at the October event, when I had a story worth sharing.

Worth sharing.

I'm crying even typing it out. Because my god, even with all the negativity, it IS worth sharing, right? But quietly, at that event, my measuring stick came back out, and it was held against myself. I even got into a bit of a spat on facebook recently over this very thing, and didn't even realize it was the very same thing, because I was applying it to myself. We hear so often in birth culture about women educating themselves as though it will cure all birth ills in our society, and that has come around to bite me. Because I felt (and still feel, I suppose) that I really did. Sure, I didn't know everything, but I thought I'd read a whole damn lot. Enough to know that what I agreed to was a Bad Idea. How could I possibly share when I'm still so ashamed of the choices I made?

I talked about it again with Shanna recently, and she told me that maybe I need to forgive myself already. This honestly surprised me, and I see now that it shouldn't have. Another of my ICAN friends mentioned how she believes she needed her first birth to go the way it did so that she could let go the choke hold on control and running the show that she had. I just realized...that's me too. I don't really blame the hospital staff/doctors, for the most part they were very nice, and did the best they could within the scope of what they know to do. It's ME that I hold a flame over. Because I knew SO much, right? But then I wonder if I'd really, truly known better, maybe I wouldn't have made all the same decisions I did.

Can I ever let it go? How do I walk the line between acknowledging the part I played in his birth, and chalking up alot of mistakes to naivete? Where does self-awareness end and overblown pride begin? *laughs* Can those two co-exist at all? Does it make me feel better somehow to grasp at that little dangling string of control, to say that I really had a say in all that went on? To pretend that I was truly given a choice at every turn? Is this some kind of fucked up coping mechanism?

How do I forgive myself? I really, really don't know where to begin. But I'd like to.

Edit: Aha! Entitlement. I think that's alot of what it came down to. I felt that somehow, because I knew more, I was entitled to better. Not to be confused with just being deserving of better to begin with, because we ALL are. Analogy time. One woman spends months and months researching a product she wants to buy. She finally settles on a store online, buys it, and everything goes to hell. The company ships the wrong item, loses her order invoice and won't take a return or refund her money. Another woman buys the same item, minus the research, and has the same issues in receiving it. Because she didn't do all that self-educating, is she more deserving of being screwed over, lied to, or otherwise taken advantage of?

No.

And yes, there are many reasons, GOOD reasons, I agreed to do things the way I did. And I know this, I'm just working on accepting it. Off to bed with me. :)

On the Road Again

2009-08-22T22:21:00.002+02:00

Well, not really the road. More like a figurative road or path. I need to get back to blogging.

I'm a mess. I really am. I don't even know where to start, because there are like ten different places I could start at. I'm lonely. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. I want help, but I feel like it has to be an emergency to ask for it. I need a day off. I need to not be the one responsible for a few hours. I need some freaking help. I need attention. Companionship. To feel like I can just be with someone else, an adult, for a few hours, without hassling them.

I need time to pass so I can stop waiting for all these things. All these things I have no control over. Anthony is due home in a few weeks, so they say. We keep looking forward to it, all but counting the days (he's too busy, I can't count anymore) until this mythical day. And yet...it's scarcely three weeks off. And he still has no itinerary for the flight home. How much can I believe in this date? (Not much, being the military. I won't believe he's going to be here until I can see him) In the meantime everything gets post-poned. Things I want to do and see, because I just can't.

More things put off for the baby. Not that I begrudge him that. But there are so many things I WANT to do, I NEED to do, and I can't do them until something ELSE happens. And I have no control over that something else either.

I guess that's where I'm floundering. I don't want to be in control of everything. But I'd like to have some say in SOMEthing. I know alot of this is unfixable. I don't know if this is even a cry for help because there's only so much people around here can do for me. Is it me? Am I too afraid to ask? Are they too afraid to offer? When I hear myself asking for their time, I hear desperation. Because I AM desperate. For just a few minutes of time. After being the friend that no one put the effort into for so many years, it's very hard for me to go back on my commitment to NOT be the only one calling and suggesting we hang out and whatnot. What's wrong with me that I always have to be the one to make the effort? (A little less true these days, as I've mentioned I just don't feed into those relationships anymore. If you're not going to make the effort to strike up a conversation or call me sometimes with hopes of spending time together, then I'm not entirely interested.)

Now please don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to place blame anywhere but on me. I have had alot of trouble asking, because I feel like I should be able to give in return, and I don't know if I can right now. Whether it's money or what have you. I can't even see myself doing a kidswap because, well, I don't know anyone local with kids and it scares the hell out of me. I don't know why. It shouldn't, because I'm about to have two to look out for anyway. But then maybe that scares the hell out of me too.

Because even when Anthony does come home, will the fabled help arrive? How many fights will we have because he's expecting a break and family time and I'm expecting...what? HELP. Time to get away. To go see a movie, or get my hair done, or just walk around a store without chasing a toddler (who does NOT want to stand still and look) or listening to said toddler scream and whine because he hates being trapped in a stroller? Time with friends? Will they suddenly make time for me once I don't have to take the tag-along with me everywhere?

One of my biggest fears...is that he won't BE home. That it will be Texas all over again. He was working so many hours that it felt like he lived on the ship and came home a few nights a week, for a few hours, to visit. I don't know if I can handle six months of that, and then right when Dori is going mobile, he's gone again. Another summer alone. Another summer of things I can't go and do because chasing two around a water park alone sounds like the total opposite of a good time.

How many times will the cycle repeat? I'm scared to death of what will happen to us and our family, what little intimacy remains, what little friendship, over the next year and a half. I'm weeping even writing that but it's true. The navy is taking us for all we're worth, and I'm not just talking money. My god I would give back the bonus in a heartbeat if we could undo the re-enlistment. I would shoulder back under all that debt we paid off with it. I would give back the two cars and spend more time on the old one, yes the old ratty sentra with no AC, if I could have the next four years of our lives (starting 2011) back. If one more idiot rants at me about how we should stick it out ELEVEN more years (after the next five) for a shitty retirement that we can't even live on I will punch them. In the throat. (This includes you, Mr "We're very well off thanks to retiring, bought a house, I ONLY WORK HERE BAGGING GROCERIES AT AGE 70 FOR MY HEALTH". You can stuff it.)

This is the military divorce rate. It's not cheating spouses and work stress. Those things play part, but they are not at the root of it. It's dragging families halfway across the world every year or three, dumping them in a new place with no friends, family, or outside support, and then sundering that family even further by removing the service member frequently, for long periods of time. And then we're SHOCKED that there are so many broken families in the military? We were not meant to raise children this way. The amount of stress it puts on a family is absolutely staggering. And it's all a slow buildup over time. A pecking, a nudge, a piling on of straws. And you know what happens when you carry too much straw.

(Quick aside: Our marriage is as well as can be expected. We don't have any major issues between us, just an understandable lack of intimacy given our circumstances the past year +. We're nowhere near divorce or any such thing. Truly. We just need some well-earned time together as a family to knit ourselves back together again. Thank god he has a ton of leave saved up.)

Ok, I've had a good cry, calmed down a bit. Feeling pretty drained from writing this out. There's more, but I don't have the strength to type it just now.

Linkses

2009-08-08T08:07:00.004+02:00

A couple links to some excellent posts made recently on the subject (more or less) of the crabs in a bucket trend seen on many "mommy boards". Jill (of Keyboard Revolutionary) is frustrated by the complaint of many moms that they feel inadequate when faced with the opinions/decisions of others. Joy (of House Fairy) fleshes out another angle that will get you thinking, that perhaps it's because girls don't brag.

Great reads, I hope you enjoy. :)

Hooray

2009-08-02T08:02:00.002+02:00

It's been an interesting week around here. I finally made it to my first ICAN meeting, which was just fantastic. It's still flipping and spinning in my head, as I examine this and that. Things I need to work on, things I need to let lie, ways I need to prepare for Dori coming, and so on. I think I'm back to being ok with Anthony not being there, and agreeing that it's probably best all around that he's out. Plus Ray will be with him (hopefully) so I'll have him out of my hair and I won't need to worry that the sitter might not know to do X or Y. I like the idea of having Ray at the birth, but realistically it's a terrible idea. Not that I think he'd be upset by it, indeed I've never seen him upset by me being hurt or crying, but more the fact that I know he'd get clingy with me. The more I pull away, the more he clings, and I would go NUTS. I already have trouble some days when he's being good but just pawing all over me, like he can't stand to be within two feet of me for whatever reason and NOT touch me, and it gives me this gut-deep reaction of OMG GET AWAY NOW. I got it with Anthony too when I was pregnant with Ray, I was so physically overwhelmed and emotionally spent that being kissed on the mouth was unbearable. Like I was trapped and couldn't escape and oh god let me be free. Kissing anywhere else was fine, but it's SUCH a strong reaction that there's really not much I can do with it except say "I love you, but I need you to do something else".

I think I'll end up relying on my mom alot. (Hear that mom, be ready!) Of course things may be different in labor, but that's just how I'm feeling now. I definitely need/want Shanna around, but our relationship is different. I'm usually quite snuggly with my girlfriends, and she and I really aren't. We're totally comfortable touching each other but when it's not "necessary" (neck massage for a headache and the like) we don't do it much. I think it's her more than anything, she's not into cuddling and projects this "2 ft of personal space required, please!" vibe that I pick up on subconsciously. I dunno. I probably won't care in the moment who the hell is counter-pressuring my back as long as it's BEING DONE, OK. Any neck-clinging may be reserved for mom though. :) I think Shanna will be helping most energy wise, helping keep the tone in the room right, making sure nothing negative is affecting me, keeping up the block between Anthony and I, and so on.

Again, we'll see. It'll be interesting to find out how things will unfold. I'm not really set on how it'll go because I really don't know. I was very clingy when I labored with Ray (before the epidural but after labor got HARD) but I was also stuck in bed and hammered with insanely close/long contractions. Basically scared out of my mind and fighting it tooth and nail. So as I expect labor to be alot different when not drug-induced and hindered by machinery, so I expect that my reaction will likely be quite different.

I do know that right after the birth I'd like things kind of quiet and mellow, at least after the initial HOORAY! Lol. I don't want people in my face or pawing at Dorian. Pictures/movie are both fine, as long as there's not a bunch of flash and talking is kept to a minimum. Now is not the time to chat about who he looks like and what we'll be eating for dinner. Now IS the time to be making sure Anthony is on his way, if he's not arrived already. I would like him to receive the same respect when he meets Dori, give him space. At this point perhaps we could be left alone for a bit, he'll do the bonding deal better when other friends/family aren't around. Wait on pictures until after this. (OK get ONE picture lol, then shoo for a few minutes) He does love you mama, but for whatever reason incessant pics when he's having daddy/son time bug him. (He gets pissy with me too sometimes)

I dunno. I'm rambling now. Obviously none of this is set in stone, just me thinking out loud. Putting it down so I remember to bring it up with my midwives and see what they usually do directly post-birth.

Well I'm off to watch a show (Nurse Jackie) and then to bed!

Open Letter to Kirby: How not to sell a vacuum.

2009-07-30T18:31:00.002+02:00

Yesterday I was bamboozled into sitting through a demo for Kirby vacuums. This, dear friends at Kirby, is the first thing you did wrong. I'll start at the beginning.

At roughly 3pm yesterday I was greeted by a knock on the door. Very surprising, given that I know no-one in the neighborhood and was expecting no packages. I was greeted by a young bubbly college student, and she chatted with me most pleasantly for a few minutes before she got down to business. She talked very quickly, but mentioned that a few of my neighbors were getting carpet cleaning done, and so I was being offered one free room, it would only take an hour! I had been offered something similar a few months before but turned it down out of hand because I wanted a NAP. My mind went to the vomit stains that I'd failed to remove from the living room, and so I agreed.

I knew, being free, that this was some kind of sales ploy, but at this point I really thought that this was for a steam cleaning service. Like, "Here, we'll do one room for you and then offer the other rooms super cheap" or whatever. And that would have been fine, truly. She promised to return in 10-15minutes, thanking me profusely.

Mistake #1 Kirby, not being upfront with your customer. Already you've started off your sales pitch with misconceptions and lies. I worked briefly as a Cutco representative (knives) and we were not allowed to cold-call people or go door to door. We could only call someone referred to us by a customer, that had agreed to being called/receiving a demo. This GREATLY increases your chance of sales and hey, then you're being honest to start. (I only stuck with Cutco for a week mind, and they did use some of the same tactics used later in the demo, but I think they started off with better footing.)

So I scramble to get all the toys off the floor in preparation for my "cleaning". Now two young men show up, carrying massive boxes. The vacuum. Of course. They try to eaaaase me into the demo, mentioning how he would have to vacuum the floor before the shampooing. Meanwhile my two year old is waking up, and we can all hear him making noise on the monitor. I'm still kind of in this "they're only here to clean" mentality since they haven't really come out with it yet. I tell them I have to get my son, and that he'd get in the way of the cleaning so I would keep him upstairs a bit so they can work. Looking a little panicked E (the salesman, the other guy left) asked that I at least poke my head down sometime so he could show me how the vacuum works. (I'm thinking, perhaps, that you push it around on the floor and it sucks up dirt? Just maybe?)

15 minutes later I return. He's covered about a square yard of carpet. Laid out on the other side of the room are 100 little white/black circles of paper with bits of dust and dirt on them. It all became clear to me in this moment: it's a vacuum sale. Damnit.

Let's take a moment here...I have a Dyson. It's less than a year old. It's one of those new fancy Ball vacuums you may have seen advertised, though it's the small version. It still cost me $400. It's a fantastic little vacuum, and I use it almost daily. LOVE it. During all this it was sitting in plain sight, with two days of dirt in the canister. QUITE a bit of dirt and hair, I might add. From this room. My last vacuuming (at the point of the demo) was the day before. I gotta say...I was really unimpressed with the amount of dirt he got up. Furthermore? Thanks a million for aggravating my dust allergies by leaving all these stupid things all over the place. And now my 2 year old is running through them and rolling around in them. GREEEEAAAAAT.

And he continues to lay them out all over the floor, while I literally, physically, FIGHT with Ray to keep him out of it. GET A CLUE. I saw the amazingness an hour ago, pick it the fuck UP already. Even after asking if we could stack them off to the side he still didn't get it.

After this we sit down and he does his little demo's, my vacuum vs his. He takes mine partially apart, after saying that all vacuums are built the same and that the motors ALL only come from two companies, he obviously has no clue how my dyson works. Further, my Dyson's motor is in the ball, I find it a little hard to believe that it's the exact same kind of motor in all the bissel's and hoover's and that I paid $400 for packaging alone. (Speaking of, isn't Dyson a foreign company?)

Anyhow, I think that selling a product with negativity is kind of a bad plan. You bamboozled your way into my home, I have things to do that are time sensitive, and I'm having to fight my own toddler in his own home to keep him from upsetting your dirt pile. Which, again I say, made its point AN HOUR AGO. CLEAN IT UP.

I know when the last time I vacuumed was. I know how well it gets up baking soda. I know my own product, so just show me YOURS. I'm not an imbecile.

I had a pretty valid reason for disliking the Kirby and it flustered him a bit. I don't want a bag. Certainly not one that lasts 6-8 months. I like my canister because I have a toddler and I'm forever vacuuming up FOOD. I really don't care that your super bag (which costs MONEY) will hide the smell of rotting food in there. I really don't want that in my house. GROSS. They cut me a pretty good deal (if you can every call a price reduction on a $3000 vacuum that cleans marginally better than mine a good deal) but when it came down to it, I don't like the bag. I don't want a gazillion attachments filling my closet. I don't want to carry that metal beast up and down the stairs. Also? You took over two hours to clean one tiny spot of floor. I know this wasn't the vacuums fault, but now I have this feeling that doing even one room with this thing is going to be a long, drawn-out chore.

Yes, I could probably scrape together the monthly payment. But really? I just plain don't want that thing. And he guilted me for it, calling "the boss" 8000 times so they could go down the list of allowable price cuts to offer me. (It's like playing Deal or No Deal! LOL) I know how this works. This thing is not worth $2900 and we all know it, because if it was no salesman would agree to a $1000 price cut. And then "he'll pay your down payment out of pocket!". Oh, so now it's personal. E acted offended, like I had personally kicked his friend, his boss, in the nuts, by refusing this generous offer.

Some of this comes back around to knowing your demographic. This is military housing. We are not rolling in dough. AND, it's MILITARY HOUSING. As long as I don't completely and utterly decimate this cheap ass carpet, they're not gonna care when I move out what kind of vacuum I used on it. I pointed this out to E, that maybe if I owned my own house and really cared about the life of the carpet, then having a higher quality vacuum might matter more to me. But I already, for all intensive purposes, have a move-out date a few years down the road. And I know that they'll likely just replace this carpet regardless when we do so. My allergies are well enough in hand thanks to MY vacuum.

Then, after he finally finished the shampooing (quietly, pouting, because I would not be getting him 1/2 sales for his CRUISE IN WYOMING) he took over half an hour just putting all the pieces back in the box. (LOL WYOMING AND A CRUISE WTF?!)

Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy, was great with Ray if a little clueless on the dirt circle pickup. I'm really not blaming him personally, because he's just selling them as he was trained to do.

And what it comes down to, is becoming an annoyance. They try to be so freaking annoying that you will sign on the dotted line just to get them OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Whether this is the original intent or not I hear the same story time and time again so I know it's not this one guys personal technique. You are teaching them this. Which is also a huge turn off for me. Sorry, ask my husband how good I am at saying no to buying things! I will go to a store for one thing I really want, walk around with it in my hot little hands for ten minutes, then decide I really don't need to spend money on it and put it back. It's really not hard for me.

Sorry Kirby, your vacuum just doesn't do it for me. Work on your sales tactics. I just lost all respect for a 95 year old company.

Really?

2009-07-21T07:06:00.001+02:00

Am I just being overly emotional here? I had a good evening with Ray and was feeling a little emo, and posted this to facebook (yes yes, I know when I post it publicly I need to swallow whatever comes):

I miss him on the hard days, where nothing goes right and Ray and I just can't seem to make it work. But it's the good days, where we stroll the mall in the evening air and Ray stays close, charming passerby...when it hurts.

I wasn't really trying to wax poetic here, just keep it short and sweet since facebook does have a character limit and nobody wants to read 98234987 character status updates. A close family friend, a kid who I used to babysit and is now 18 but still horribly naive, comments: ok, very poetic, I'll give you that.

He is forever posting walls of text like this:

I won't lie. I am torn between 2 forces: power and love. I want to be able to protect those whom I love with acquired power, but at the cost of losing that love? Or do I want to love, at the cost of not having that power to protect them? How will I ever achieve either if I cannot conquer the darkness inside me? And how will I conquer my fear of losing both the power and love altogether? May His light guide my way...

WTF? I managed to quell my snark and not thank him for approving me missing my husband. I just...don't even know what to make of it except that for whatever reason it pisses me the hell off. Just had to share my ire because on top of no husband, there seems to be no one online to chat with and I'm lonely. *sigh* Did I mention that they yanked facebook on his ship? (Not his ship's decision, as they'd allowed it, but whoever is above that pulled the plug. WTF. So now we can't share pics at all unless he's in port. Sucks.)

To go, or not to go.

2009-07-17T05:11:00.004+02:00

Parent movie morning this week is of course, Harry Potter. Hallelujah! Maybe. It's at 10am, and a much reduced price. Lights are kept dimmed, and the movie is played at a slightly lower volume. Kids can run around, and there are diaper changing facilities in the theater.

Ray is...a handful. He doesn't sit still for long. He opens doors, grabs peoples cell phones. He plays LOUD, lots of yelling. I will probably spend the whole time running after him because as I mentioned, he's a door opener. He might sit still for a few minutes, he does like popcorn. I dunno. I guess I should at least give it a shot. Who knows, he may surprise me. And I sure don't have people coming out of the woodwork wanting to help me out or watch Ray a few hours. *sigh* Yeah I know, woe is me. Just been worn out and totally emo lately.

And Anthony (at some point here) will be in Dubai. I am so goddamn jealous, it looks like about the coolest place on earth. >.<

It's disturbing.

2009-07-11T18:08:00.002+02:00

This has really been making the rounds in the bloggin natural birth community, and now I can't resist adding my two cents in. Mostly just links for you, to what others have said, women who have experienced far more than I on the subject.

"Pit to Distress" is causing quite a stir. It started with Jill of Keyboard Revolutionary, bringing up her own findings online about the term "pit to distress", which refers to the practice of upping the pitocin on a laboring woman to at worst, force a crash c-section, and at "best", steamroll her into an unsafely fast labor and/or other interventions without worry for her safety or that of her baby. She continued her thoughts here.

Nursing Birth writes about her firsthand experiences as an L&D nurse with physicians who practice this. The other Jill, of Unnecessarean weighs in, twice even, with more interesting information.

As I'm sure many others are, this is really making me double back and consider the induction of my son. This is the best definition I can find of tachysystole. By the sounds of it, it's hyperstimulation of the uterus before it causes major issues for the baby. I'm kind of considering it the warning sign, to sloooow down the pitocin. Perhaps my mom could weigh in here, because she probably remembers the time frame a little better than I do, but as I recall after they broke my water and cranked the pitocin I hit this point. For hours. After they were already "worried" about hyperstimming my uterus since I contracted so quickly. (As I remember it, I was having contractions that lasted 45 seconds to a minute, with about 15 seconds in between) Granted, Ray tolerated it well. Thank god. But from what I'm reading above...I was not. If I HAD been tolerating it well, then sure, it could have just been part of my contraction pattern and reasonable to continue the pit at that level.

But I wasn't. I was crying through every contraction, panicking when they came on and begging "No no no no no". I don't have a good grasp of the time here, obviously, which is why I ask my mom. I do remember that even in between contractions, there was still pain. I've still not had an answer, from any professional, about if that is normal or "ok" or not. To me it seems like it's likely a bad thing.

Now, given what I know of the hospital I was in and it's staff, I would have to claim ignorance and naivete on their part. It's a teaching hospital, and they seemed clueless on so many fronts. I don't know how much this may have contributed to the c-section, beyond helping me along on my path to "needing" an epidural. (Which one nurse, when I mentioned going natural, laughed in my face and told me their epidural rate was 99% and that only women who were irrationally afraid of the needle said no) Could there have been an element of wanting to prove to me that I too, couldn't do it?

I don't know. I guess this doesn't change anything, but it makes me wonder even more. What the hell were they doing? Were they really that clueless, that they were playing around with the life of my son? I never knew I was giving them permission to needlessly play around with his life, and for what? It wasn't a busy hospital. Their paycheck was not dependent on my birth methods and how many interventions were used. I was only one of three women that birthed in as many days there. And that was "busy" for them. One was a scheduled c-section, the other came in well into labor and had pushed her son out in a few short hours. Most times when I went in with preterm contractions, I was the only one there. Doubting that they were overworked and horribly exhausted by it, beyond the usual military BS and long hours.

I'll probably add to this later in the day if I can think of something to say beyond shocked rambling.

BABEH

2009-07-08T00:55:00.001+02:00

Ultrasound completed. Placenta is good, and properly positioned. :) The tech said that if your bladder is really, really full, it can push the cervix up closer to the placenta and give you some false worry. Interesting, that, seeing as how at the time my bladder was torturously full, with me moaning in pain. Fucking idiots. So maybe being bitchy that your "patient" didn't have a bladder full enough didn't get you much anywhere. Perhaps showing her who's boss by not letting her pee (when she knows it's not necessary at that point to have a full bladder, and apparently detrimental) really didn't help you in the long run.

Anyhow. Minor rant aside. The ultrasound was really nice. Ray was decent, did start losing it towards the end but it could have been worse. The Dr (totally forgot his name, I suck) was really nice and chatty. I also found out (thank you, civilian world!) it's really not necessary to bear down with the ultrasound tool as though you're trying to reach my spine, just to get a picture.

(Don't get me wrong, I know there are kind, caring medical professionals in the military. I have met quite a few. The CNM's at Miramar were very nice. I know military or civilian, when you get a bustling hospital that's likely understaffed you're gonna run into some shit.)

Anyhow, really, I'm done whining now. LOL. It was fun to see Dorian again, he looks so much like Ray. He's really shaping up to be a cutie. :) True to family form, he impressed the tech with how active he was. My belly was rolling all over the whole time. Also true to family form, he refused to roll over to his other side, no amount of flipping me over, poking and jiggling would convince him. He's head down. Estimated 2lbs right now (yes, I know this can be off, but basically he's measuring right on his dates, the amended ones), and his darn feet are already 2" long. LOL I should just donate those tiny socks already. No child of mine will fit them I think. EVER.

Here's a link to the album on facebook (it's the public link, so no account required). If you haven't added me yet, feel free. :)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=91650&id=754444809&l=d5cdc25e2d

Woowowowoowwwoooo

2009-07-07T01:09:00.002+02:00

Good day today. Aside from Navy fed calling me at 6:30am. I mean honestly people you have my HOME ADDRESS. Is it that far a jump to just wait till, say, noon your time to have your automated crap call me? SHEESH. I suspect Ray slept a bit crappy last night, as I heard him moving around at that time, but I managed to get him back to sleep and we snoozed till, oh, 9 or 10? I think 10.

Got the DMV form for my license. Appt next week to get that done, and still no sign of the folder with all my Important Stuff. Ugh. I know it's here, best friend was sitting right next to me, where I sit now, as I showed it to her, and now it's just poof. Gone. Very not cool.

Also picked up a copy of my glucose screen results. Woo. And made the appt for my ultrasound (to check the placenta) tomorrow. Decided to forgo being treated like shit a third time at the military hospital. Once you've been treated like a human being by medical professionals it's hard to go back. :S

Dorian's room is going swimmingly. Got both coats of the light blue on the walls, and it looks fantastic if I do say so myself. (And I do) Looking forward to starting in on the darker blue here very soon.

Ugh, I'm worn out wracking my brain over that damn folder. ARGH.

Well

2009-07-02T02:33:00.002+02:00

Ok, I'm done. Done being pregnant. Sign me the form to get the baby out. Lol. I am soooo less than thrilled with the contractions! Why did they have to come earlier? I mean, I guess it could be good, maybe I'll get to real labor a leeeeetle earlier, but there's still like, 3 months till then. Curses. After fighting through grocery shopping (comissary on payday, yes it was almost suicide) the darn things are about non-stop. They don't hurt but christ it's uncomfortable, makes it hard to move/bend, and wears me the hell out. I should NOT be this tired after sleeping till 9:30am! I really want to tidy up the floor in here (Ray asploded everything) but just can't bring myself to do it because I know it'll make more contractions. Ugh.

Maybe it's time to chill in front of the TV.

I was good today and got the insurance paperwork sent off. Yay, go me! I hate paperwork. I also sat in line for a while (thankfully in line IN the car so Ray was able to jump around a bit) and got my base sticker. And it's good for three years. :O Was NOT expecting that! Both cars have new registration, which means they also expire at the same time. Makes that easy.

It was so weird driving my car again after these last months in Anthony's. Weird but nice.

I'm getting excited about the birth. :) And not because I'm uncomfortable lol, for all that I bitch I'm really NOT ready to handle a newborn just this second, and it'd be nice for Anthony to see the belly a bit when he gets home. We've had a rash of rather inspiring home VBACs and home VBA2Cs and some in the hospital and just, wow! So much triumph, so much victory, so many women getting the true fruit of their labor. (Har har har) It's restored a bit of my mojo, me thinks. Also, pondering the whole "late" deal with Ray, and wondering how much his tilted head had to do with that. Maybe this one will come a bit earlier. We'll see.

For now, gonna relax on the couch since the contractions are getting more bothersome and I don't want Dori to come THIS early by any stretch.

oisajfoiwjfe

2009-06-30T03:06:00.002+02:00

I know there are a million old wives tales about getting your labor started, but does anyone know of anything besides sex that is tried and has worked for you. If I don't go into labor on my own by my due date I am scheduled for another C-Section. I am trying to VBAC. (DD was breach)

What works? Walking, Syrup of Ipicac etc.......

Honestly, I could just scream everytime I read shit like this.

Firstly, the "due date". I hate the due date so much because it's SO misleading. UGH. And then to schedule a section right on the date when her previous was for a breech baby? Whaaaat? I can KIND OF understand when the c-section is, say, on a big baby that got held up during pushing and was "past due". I don't agree with it, but I get it. But the senseless hacking away at our abdomens has gotta stop. For serious.

Uh, sure, k.

2009-06-24T08:26:00.002+02:00

Went to the beach tonight for an hour or so. Had a small debacle involving Ray locking himself in the car, with the keys. I'd put him in there to climb around while the others finished packing up and getting dressed, carefully holding the keys IN my hand because he was suddenly all over that lock button. Things were taking a while so I sat for a moment in the drivers seat and got some tunes rolling. (As in, keys in the ignition) As I'm doing this the driver side door is open. Ray is more interested in playing behind the wheel so I get up to switch to the passenger seat, closing the door behind me. Well, somehow in those thirty seconds he'd locked it without me noticing. (The locks in the Sentra are quiet, and in MY car you can't lock the doors when any are open. Apparently this is not the case with the sentra!)

Enter half an hour of begging Ray to play with the locks more. We get a cop/meter maid to call us a tow truck to pop the door open. After a while waiting he wanders off, another cop pulls up to check on us. He too attempts to convince Ray to play with the locks to no avail. Asks if we checked all four doors, and I tell him I had. (Here is where I admit that I didn't, I checked the front two but you hit the lock button, they all lock, you know?) He walks over and opens the back passenger door. Ray had been playing back there for a while through all of this and must have manually unlocked it without us noticing. MAN what a relief, especially with money running tight at the end of the month. (We HAVE money, but it's set aside to pay the midwives, I'd rather not touch it unless it's freaking DIRE)

So we averted a big bill, but he still took down my name and info, and Ray's name. :( Said they would keep an eye out for any recurrences and if it happened more CPS would be notified. I know it won't come to that but man, way to add insult to injury. And I was being so damn careful with the keys too. ARGH. (Somehow through all this I did manage to stay calm, although I about lost it after he left and things were resolved, partially from relief and partially embarassment, and getting my name "in the system" in any way. Ugh.)

Just got done watching Dragonball Evolution. First off, I'm sooooooooo glad I did not pay for that in any way. *cough* Secondly, as expected it was pretty awful. I was hoping that even if they fucked with the story, they would at least get the characters halfway right...and I was sorely disappointed. Granted I'm not as big a Dragonball buff so much as a Dragonball Z buff, but I know enough to know that that shit was OFF.

Also, I know it was low budget but the badness was just BAD. It felt like a badly dubbed kung fu movie. Not that kung-fu movies inherently have such terrible scripts (I know there must be good ones out there when viewed in their native tongue) but somehow it still had that awkwardness of dialogue, like they couldn't quite fit the lines in as they were meant and so they took some liberties and it just sounds awful. But it's an american film!

I hate that it's high-school era. It really watched like a bad fanfic come to life. Ow. I think I definitely need to dig out some real DBZ to cleanse my mind of it.

Weoijfwaoifjwaofj

2009-06-23T06:25:00.003+02:00

So nice to know our children are getting good "lessons" from cartoons. Just saw the last few minutes of a show on Cartoon Network (6teen) and was greeted with this gem of an episode.

Two of the guys (main characters) had taken two girls out for the afternoon together. They went shopping, bought things for the girls, while arguing with one another because one of the guys was apparently going against his usual style by being "nice". Shelling out cash for the girl, being extra polite, and dazzling her with talk she was interested in, namely golden retriever puppies. (There was no puppy present or involved, apparently this is just universal get-the-panties-off talk for 16 year olds) Towards the end of the date the one (not-nice) guy bought a round of capuccino's for all four of them, which met with extravagant compliments from his date on his generosity. So he asks if he can be her boyfriend, and she turns him down, and she and the other girl explain they were enjoying being friends, and went on with the usual bullshit about how the guys were TOO nice and they liked their men to be dark and treat them like crap, so they could "fix" them. The guys, stunned, walk off to converse for a moment, both SO SHOCKED and APPALLED that they had been USED and that all the politeness had failed to help them "score"! They remarked that it was "too bad the girls have no money" and walked out, leaving the bill for the girls.

Totally mature guys. On every fucking level. I don't even know where to begin this steaming heap of shit gives me such a headache.

Ugh

2009-06-22T23:57:00.002+02:00

I think my heart just fell into my feet. At my last ultrasound they found my placenta is "low-lying", and within a few centimeters of my cervix. If the placenta actually covers the cervix it's called placenta previa and leads to a whole list of fun things. Mostly, a c-section.

At any rate, I'll have another ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure it's moved up (which it usually does). But out of curiousity I was reading up on previa and found that one thing that can increase your chances of previa (or even low-lying placenta) is, you guessed it, a c-section. It made me feel sick reading that. That having one really CAN increase your risk for another, and not just in that "the doctors will MAKE you!" kind of way. I mean, I knew that was true. But to have it affecting me personally like this...ouch.

Taking care of tons of this and that today. Would be getting more done but Ray started off the day by puking three times. He seemed to be feeling better the last hour or so, and just went down for a nap. Here's hoping that was the last of it! I could really use a few errands this afternoon when he wakes up.

I suck!

2009-06-21T04:15:00.002+02:00

I know I know, I suck at this. I'd like to at least say that I've been busy, but mostly there's no excuse. I've had plenty of time the past few months to update this, and I just haven't felt like it.

We just got back from seeing my family for a few weeks. It was so nice to get a bit of relaxing in. We spent the first week sick as dogs, then my grandma came, then we had a few days to cram in stuff around town and then it was State Track meet in Myrtle Beach (for my "little" brother) and flying back home again.

I will not be flying with Ray again in the near future. For one thing, I will not be flying ALONE with him, and for another, he will never again be a lap child. Two in August! Ack! But yeah, he was pretty horrible on the plane, through little fault of his own. He's a squirmy active boy that prefers running and jumping and playing to, well, anything. And he really has trouble sleeping unless he's on his tummy. He's been like this since birth, so I can't really blame him for it. But it did make for a really miserable 14 hours (total, there and back) of my life. Thank god he's so darned cute that the folks sitting next to me never really complained. Because woo doggy, I was ready to just fall apart or jump out the window. Having a quickly disappearing lap probably did little to help.

Speaking of my growing gut, Dorian is doing fantastic. He's nearly as active as his brother, and we hit a milestone yesterday. First time he's spent hours and hours with a random body part jammed into my ribs. Owwwwww. Must have found the deep groove worn into that spot by his brother. Seriously uncool. For the most part though, I'm really enjoying this pregnancy. All my walking about in SC seemed to get my endurance up a bit and fast forward some of the adjustment period to being larger. I've also been eating so much better this time. I won't blame it all on just being a pig last time, I really was just RAVENOUS, and I'm not this pregnancy. Which is good. I've still only gained roughly 15lbs. I'm planning on heading to a nearby park (big nature trail kind of park) quite soon to get some walking in. It's still quite cool here, and most days not even sunny. I think Sunny Southern California is a big fat tourism gag at this point.

Ray is...a child. He's really not a baby anymore. Every day more of the baby recedes and disappears to make room for the child. I love watching him use his imagination to play out various scenarios. The other night my roomie tripped on a toy of his, exclaiming loudly and limping a few steps after. He then spent ten minutes miming her, kicking a toy, falling to the floor while yelling as though in pain. (Obviously a much over-acted version of her reaction!) We couldn't help but laugh. We can barely get him to eat "kid food" these days, he wants what the adults are eating. Usually he'll go up the stairs with one hand on the wall, but a few weeks ago he looked up to find my hand on the banister and now he stretches himself up to use that instead. While playing with a few (slightly) older boys the other day he would give orders and generally boss them around. If they did something well, he would clap and loudly cheer "Yaaaaaaaaaaay!". He's quite the bossy pants but he tries to be nice about it at times. Lol.

Anthony is doing well. Work work working. We're a little past the halfway point in the deployment. Three months to go! I'm so unbelievably happy that he'll be home well before Dorian emerges. I want to give Anthony some time to better adjust to me being pregnant. He left before he could even feel him move or hear a heartbeat. He's seen ultrasound pics, and belly pics, and of course heard me talk ad nauseam about it, but I can't help feeling that even with all that it might not feel really REAL without a little time home to adjust, seeing me lugging a giant belly around so it really sinks in. It'll be a big enough adjustment just coming home without having a new person already there awaiting you! Yes, I know military families do it all the time, and we would manage if need be, but it's not our first choice by any stretch.

Well I could just go on and on but I don't want this one post to be too terribly tl;dr! May update again later tonight or tomorrow.

Sorry!

2009-05-23T18:53:00.003+02:00

I seem to have neglected this blog a little, and I apologize. We've been floating on through life, and until the last few days there was really nothing of import happening. But now we have news!

We found out a few days ago at the ultrasound that we're expecting a baby boy! And it seems almost overnight since then he's grown a huge amount. For the first time yesterday he was up knocking my ribs around, MUCH to my delight. *cringe* It's the beginning of the end, folks. Here's a couple pics that we got, including some 3d shots since I was kind enough to agree to let them practice on me with their new fancy machine.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=91650&id=754444809&l=d5cdc25e2d

That same day I got news from Anthony that he should be home closer to mid-early sept, rather than mid-late october. This makes me soooooooooooo happy on so many levels. Precisely the kind of timing we were hoping for when we planned this kiddo, so I would have some help through the hardest stages at the end of pregnancy and Anthony would be here for the big arrival. (At least in the area, hehe) Everyone cross your fingers, pray, do some hoodoo or sacrifice a virgin goat in your backyard in the hopes that they don't change the plan on us too drastically. :)

So that's our good news. Time to send out another email and update the Fam.

Annoying!

2009-05-12T23:09:00.001+02:00

Ugh, way to kick a girl when she's down. So I got the smog inspection (passed, duh) today for a mere $50. *gag* Found out I can register in the same office with the military and only pay $122. Plus no DMV hassle.

And then I discovered I somehow have no freaking clue where my current registration is. Magically not in my glove box, which is like, where these things are kept. And now searching around the house I'm finding I have an entire folder of important paperwork (or two) with like, birth certificates (including Rays', which took EIGHT MONTHS to get) and the Title for Anthony's car and the loan paperwork for mine and OMFG. I know it can't be far because I dug out Rays SSC the other day. But who knows if my registration is in there. And if it isn't, then I have to mail in a request to TXDOT for a new copy of expired registration just so I can switch it over here. Honestly, is it that hard to walk your ass outside and look at the plates and sticker? What else could be on there that's so important?

Just remembered that in the meantime I guess I can be driving Anthony's car instead. BLARGH. Having to lift my ever-growing ass in and out of those nigh ground-level bucket seats really excites me. But at least I'll be legal. Boo I say!

Off to go pout and apparently, write up a request to TXDOT for a new copy of expired registration. Most useless waste of $3 EVER.

Blargh!

2009-05-11T21:08:00.000+02:00

Goddamnit. I have to get registration for my car. In the next, uh, two days. Fucking cali is about to double their registration fees. (I hate you california, so much) Since it's expired I can't renew it in Texas without going in person. UGH. And the stupid sticker has a dark blue back so it's nearly impossible to read from inside the car, hence it's expiration in march without my noticing. Not cool.

And of course this happens right when the roomie is gone for the week. So I get to drag cranky pants with me all over creation. I guess first on the list is the smog inspection. Oy Vey. It's a 3 yr old car, doesn't it pass automatically? Ugh.

Not much else going on here. We just fought and won a small war against ants. Yuck. And I've got a trip planned to see my folks at the end of the month. (And assorted other friends in that area!)

Went to see Star Trek last night, which the baby approved of. All she did was kick about the whole time. :) And no, the "she" is not official. I just hate saying "it" or "the baby" all the damn time. We'll know on the 21st of this month, hopefully!

Also got the initial down payment done with the midwife, and signed the contracts. If anyone would like to contribute to the "We're going to be fucking poor for the next 4-5 months" fund, please let me know. ;) We still owe $3k that needs to be paid by, like, september something. I have no clue what my due date really is anymore so calculating 36 weeks is difficult.

Speaking of, we apparently conceived about a week earlier than we thought. On the last ultrasound she measured almost exactly a week large. Then at my last (and very first) appointment with the midwife she felt my uterus and said it felt pretty big, that it's definitely not just a big baby but we're further than we thought.

The nice part? This puts my biologically "due", the 40 week mark, on Oct 5th. But she's leaving my due date as Oct 13. And they're already comfortable going to 43 weeks. So really, there's no rush whatsoever and I can go as long as it takes. I don't think I'll need anywhere near that long, but just the fact that no one will be putting a timer on me, or setting dates for inductions or repeat cesareans is what I needed more than anything this pregnancy. It's such a huge weight off my mind like you would not even believe.

So, on to stressing about other things. ;)

Baby news!

2009-04-18T09:20:00.003+02:00

Little more specific update here, on the babby!

We still don't know boy or girl, we MAY be finding out monday, it depends on the ultrasound tech we get and how willing they are to peek for us. Everyone hope and pray we get someone who's game!

Baby is growing and kicking good. We've seen her on one ultrasound so far a few weeks ago. I think I'm already keeping a better handle on my weight this time. With Ray I gained over 50lbs. Yes, 10lbs was baby but recall that outside of being pregnant it's basically impossible for me to gain weight regardless of diet and lack of exercise. (They prefer you gain 25-30 at worst) I was just plain RAVENOUS with him. I ate all day and most nights I had to get up for a piece of cheese or crackers. I tried to just moderate things, yes eat the junk but eat good stuff too. So I'd end up with fruit/cottage cheese for breakfast, a monster salad for lunch with tuna and olives and such, and then whatever for dinner. In between having my chocolate milk and soda (not more than one a day) and ramen and a big bowl of ice cream and on and on. Then the last month or two I was just so miserable that I said screw it, I'm going to be fat a few more months and enjoy it and indulged in the reeses and twizzlers and everything.

I've had a few people ponder whether I had mild GD or some form of insulin intolerance, and I suppose I may have, but the more I think back and really remember what I ate, the vast quantities, the quality of it...I just never eat like that. Don't get me wrong, I love food, I can pack it away, but it was ludicrous. And I know part of it really was just ravenous hunger, and add to it leading up to the pregnancy (which happened faster than we'd ever imagined) I was actually malnourished and a smoker. I lived on ramen, hot pockets and pasta. Played World of Warcraft over 40 hours a week. (Which I still don't regret, it beat the hell out of being a party girl/becoming an alcoholic and blowing all our money on that. And I've made some good, lasting friendships.)

So yeah, it was a massive diet change. This time I went into the pregnancy a bit healthier. More active, still eating tons better than I used to. I did smoke, but I cut back/quit easily in the process of becoming pregnant. Had my last one the morning I bought the pee stick and promptly tossed the rest. The morning sickness was not as bad this time (and it was pretty darn mild with Ray) and I'm not as crazy hungry. I'm fine with three solids and a small snack or two. My meals aren't huge, and while I do still indulge a little I'm aware of it. I'm watching it, and limiting myself. I really haven't gained, and what I have is more than likely due to muscle from climbing the stairs. (My first time living with stairs, ever. My ass went KAPOW in the first two weeks here. It's hot.) By this time with Ray I'd gained 8-10 lbs. I've gained about 3. A little boob, a little thigh/butt, and some belly. I popped out of my pants immediately, and I'm quickly retiring shirts. But half that is not tons of mass, it's just that everything is already stretched out. I have a cute little belly!

So yes, we're doing well! The new house is fabulous. Little bit of issue with the neighbors but we're trying to counteract the bad vibe with good. Give them the benefit of the doubt and send love over there. If nothing else, it sure can't hurt. Keeps us calmer, and good for our karma. ;)

Well then

2009-04-18T09:02:00.003+02:00

It's been a little while since I've updated. Things are happening at a steady pace I suppose.

Switched midwife care for a few reasons. She had family obligations come up, and for us not having our insurance cover her was clearly going to be more of a problem than we bargained for. Yes, the navy gave us clearance to move early, but gave us no extra money for it. No gas money for the drive out, nothing to set up utilities or finish off old bills at the old place, and no way to cover first months rent since we arrived here too late for this months BAH to go straight to them. (Err, March's BAH) So yeah, it's been a little tight.

Anthony is doing well, they're working him hard. He got a promotion of sorts, he's work-center supervisor about eight months sooner than we thought he would be. He expressed some nerves about it but I know he'll do great. He's a good leader, a great teacher, and I think he's perfect for the job.

He may end up staying a month longer than we planned, almost assuredly missing the birth. Which sucks, but what can you do?

Oh, and we found new midwives (thanks to Barb - the first - for the referral!) and I think things will work out nicely with them. I just switched over my insurance today and greatly look forward to starting my care for real! AT LAST!

Ray is doing fantastic, and growing by leaps and bounds in every way. He's a Spongebob FIEND. It's one of the words we hear most throughout the day. "Spob-bob" this and "Bobbitz/bobbick" that. (That last being Patrick, somehow.) He's actually got quite a list of words, I started compiling it just for fun and it really shocked me after a few days of building it!

no
stop it
grape (geep)
please
bite
Caca (the dog)
callia (the dog)
ok
spongebob
patrick (bobberz/bobbitz/bobbick)
go
eyes
nose
dad/dy
mom
fish
shoes
this
that
you're welcome
thank you
ball
yuck
sit
uhoh
pretty
baby
butt
starbuck
what are you doing?
juice
good one
(oh) wow
dog/doggy

He yells at the dog ALOT. Lol. He's turning into QUITE the bossy pants. But we suspect it's helping divert some of the frustrations of his age, and she takes it pretty well. Lol. Poor thing. Morning noon and night we hear "Caca, no! Caca, stop it! Go! Go!" and so on. And a few mornings back he heard a different dog barking outside and yelled "Doggy stop! Doggy no!". Impressive that he can even differentiate the barks!

Don't do Tmobile in California dudes. Save yourself the headache. I think I'm switching to Cricket in the morning and I'm quite excited. Looks like it's EXACTLY what I need and while they don't have much coverage nationwide yet they have it here and in Charleston (where my folks are) so that's all I'm really worried about. Can you beat unlimited talk/text/long distance for $45/month? I think not! I'll be distributing the new number as quickly as I can, please feel free to email me if you get missed or if you've never had it and would like to text/chat, hit me up! Addie is dbz_dee at hotmail dot com. I've had the same address since I was 14 so don't expect it to change real soon.

He lives!

2009-03-25T07:29:00.002+01:00

Anthony made it to Bahrain safe and sound. Yay! A little sleepy but none the worse for wear. The crew was split between two different commercial flights (there's only 80 guys on their ship) and one went through London and the other through Frankfurt. Anthony was thankfully on the Germany one because alot of the London flight lost their luggage. Hopes and prayers that they recover it because a whole sea bag of uniforms is not cheap and some of these guys have families they're supporting as well. Not to mention personal items, laptops, and lord knows what else.

Still more ups and downs here. Got the deposit from the land-hag (yay), but it was very little and the summary of deducted items was beyond infuriating. I won't go into all the drama, but one of the things she charged for was the repair of a hole above the AC unit. Her grandaughter fixed the hole...with that expanding/hardening foam. That you can buy at Lowe's for a few bucks. 1. I could have freaking done THAT myself and 2. She took off FORTY DOLLARS for it. FORTY. FOR FOAM.

Took a few hours and a hot shower and plenty of tears to cool off. While I'd love to threaten her with the full brunt of Navy Legal at my back to reconsider the amount...we really need the money. Asap. And I refuse to get all behind on bills again. (Granted then and now it was not because we were living extravagantly or being foolish with the money, it's just feast or famine with the military.)

It's famine today but we're waiting for BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) to start up for this area, and we should be getting back pay on that for this past month. Plus we're waiting on Dis-Location Allowance (DLA) from the move. That's my midwife/catch up on bills/relax money.

Speaking of, I love my midwife! She rocks. :) Just had to add that. (She's over on my sidebar, the wonderful Navelgazing Midwife)

The up and the down.

2009-03-21T23:51:00.009+01:00

Here I am showing off my new shirt with my boy. What better fashion accessory could I hope for?

(And hey, that's me in the background too, being held by MY mommy!)

10 Weeks and 4 days in this one. Popping out of pants left and right and losing a few shirts as well. Boobs are up to a C so the fact that the belly is out beyond the knockers says something! It's hard to believe I'm scarcely a week from the second trimester. This week, getting Tricare set up and lots of blood drawn and such if possible. Everyone pray the navy catches up our pay soon!

Anthony got a new hat to take overseas with him and keep the heat off. (And the sun off his poor balding head!)

Yum.

Living the military life kinda sucks right now. The next six months started early this morning. He's safe and sound back in Texas for now, waiting to leave with the rest of his crew. Thoughts and prayers for their safe journey please! And for some understanding for our little dude, when we got home alone he looked around the house calling "Daddy? Daddy?". Broke my heart. :(

Dreaming of you

2009-03-14T07:09:00.002+01:00

Oh boy, the pregnancy dreams. Gotta love em.

Last week I dreamed I went into labor, it was all fairly painless, and I birthed the baby easily. Didn't even tear! It went so well I was all "get me pregnant again right now, that was SO easy!". It was the feeling you get when you happen across a crazy bargain, like "well as long as we're here and it's cheap let's GET FIVE OK". LOL.

Then last night I had another one. I gave birth to her super early, like 20 weeks. (For those that don't know the youngest baby to have survived, given todays medical advances, was born around 24 weeks) She was born in the caul (a ziploc baggie O_O) and well, being so young and tiny she wasn't cute. Miraculously, she was already pushing 3lbs and breathing easily on her own, no NICU stay required. She was small enough to fit in one hand and we just swaddled her up and took her home. Weird as it was (and in reality, uh terrifying and impossible) it started the "I don't wanna wake up" feeling because I wanted to keep her. Hate those dreams. Oh, that birth was a little more difficult, not terribly so but I was in "the zone" for a solid two hours.

So yeah. Today at Target I was all "DAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" over the girl clothes. They had a wittle pink newborn sleeper with crocodiles and giraffes and pink elephants. I was all HOLY SMOKES girl clothes without FLOWERS or BUTTERFLIES?! Zoo animals are not allowed for girl clothes GOSH. (I'm so going back for them.)

I'm proud to announce that I unpacked THREE large boxes in our bedroom tonight. The house is slowly coming together. (Well, really effing quickly compared to the last place we lived, lol.) The kitchen is all but done and if I could just convince Anthony to rearrange the living room we'd be set. I told him before the furniture even CAME I didn't want it set up this way but since I wasn't here for the movers he did it anyway. ARGH. It's such a nice big open space and I hate having the couch right in the midst of it. I hate having to walk all the way around the couch too. It just doesn't flow and doesn't jive with the big, open playroom feeling I was going for. Thankfully there's nothing too heavy in there so if need be Shanna and I can do it once he leaves.

Which is entirely too soon. :( We're going out to a BAR tomorrow night though, it should be fun. Lord knows what I'm going to do for 3-4 hours when I can't drink or smoke. Sigh. But hopefully it'll be fun. (Did I mention it's a two hour drive home afterwards? But he's been DYING to take me to it since he was out here last year.)

So anyways, that's us. We're having tons of fun. :)

On the fly

2009-03-12T23:53:00.002+01:00

Inquiring minds want to know, where did Stassja go?! (Hurr hurr I made a rhyme!)

We have moved! We are safe and sound in our new home in San Diego, the drive was pretty and the move went pretty smooth. Probably our smoothest so far. (Once we get our pay working right, our only thing that's not gone 100% to plan)

Pregnancy is going good. Met my wonderful midwife and her apprentice and I think we're a great match! Looking forward to being officially in her care within a few weeks. (See above pay that needs to be worked out)

Nausea has lessened aside from a few short bouts a day, and I'm not overly tired, just a little. Having a little bit of clothing trouble because my maternity clothes are mostly summer wear and it's a little cooler here (especially where we live within the city) than I can handle in shorts or capris. And the pants I have are for when I'm HUGE, not good for now. So I'm kinda stuck with one to two pairs that fit and praying it heats up soon.

I will catch you guys up some more when I feel up to it, I'm staying busy around the house and around town and trying to get things settled in here. I don't want a ton of boxes lying around this time since I know we'll be here a while!

tonight ROCKS

2009-02-21T06:27:00.002+01:00

Yes my pretties, tonight does ROCK. And I'm TOTALLY not high on paint fumes. I was also absolutely not painting doorways ~~and covering baby pen marks on the walls or painting over the whole strip of cabinet that Ray pulled off to disguise it~~...at 11pm on a friday. Nooooooo, that was not me! I didn't think the paint smell was that bad but now I'm feeling kind of loopy and holy shit you should see how many typos I'm fixing here. (You'll never see one of those fun typo-ridden drunk type posts from me, the spelling nazi overcomes even alcohol and paint fumes and reigns supreme, stomping on the backspace as needed!)

We had a pizza and coke night with MJ (my cousin) and her family. Leon (her hubs), Natalie (their 2yr old) and Julian, their sweet little 1 month old. Humorously enough, they're driving out to California tomorrow to see her parents (my aunt and uncle) and we're driving out, to nearly the same area, next week! So yeah, we just chilled watching TV and let the babbies play. They were both very good together, despite being a little grabby with each others sippy cups.

Also fun? RIGHT when they drove up Ray was on the back of the love seat attacking the blinds. (And I kid not, he ATTACKS them) I start walking over to pull them up, saying that I didn't want him to break them when I hear "CRACK" and the whole bottom part busts in half. (You know, the cheap vinyl shades you see in every house) I know it won't be that much to fix them but it's just one more stupid thing. UGH. I'm sooooo tempted to tape them together and see if it'll slide. LOL. As it is one of the living room light fixtures has a busted bulb in it. I tried unscrewing the thing and the whole glass part just busted off. Thankfully it's covered so you can't even see it until you get up there and unscrew it. HAH. I feel kinda bad leaving it for the next tenant but honestly...it's all I can do not to burn this place to the ground. Stupid overpriced hell hole.

Tomorrow is outdoor day. We gotta get the dryer to the curb (or something, meant to stop by the city hall today and ask what we do with it but forgot. Damn) and Anthony has to mow the lawn. THAT should be buckets of lawls because his lazy ass has not mowed the back even ONCE since he got here. He bitches to the guys at work that it was all long (front and back) when he got here (although admittedly, at least I did mow half the back and it was obscene even then) and I have to point out that at least my excuse is that I was alone with a one year old and suddenly have a grass allergy! (Yes, I broke out into hives all over my neck and shoulders. It was fantastic) He's just laaaaaazy. Aaaaaand I have to sweep all the nasty ucky buggies and grass out of the garage. Stupid roaches go in there just to die. *shakes fist*

Ok, I think I'm about typed out. Later bitchez!

That crazy boob nazi

2009-02-19T23:48:00.004+01:00

I hate the term boob nazi, btw. I'm of the opinion boobs should be FREED, although I'm not too keen on all the "sex sells" business. Because it's usually women being used as a slice of hotness to sell, rarely men.

Anywho, I didn't write this, but thought it was good! (I also think there's more to the nursing in public controversy and I'll try to find a link to the opinion I most agree with)

Society is so sexualized that they have forgotten what nature intended
our breasts for in the first place. They throw hissy fits over
breastfeeding in public and expect us to feed our babies in dirty,
stinky bathrooms. So I ask you to judge for yourself, which breasts are
truly offensive here? And I understand some of you won't think ANY of
them are offensive. But I am making a point by showing how ridiculous
it is that society looks upon scantily clad women in sexy ads as ok,
even GREAT, but providing important nourishment and nutrients to your
child in public by breastfeeding is offensive, distasteful, disgusting,
whatever. Give me your feedback. :)

Wait... well, this is a bad example. Let's try again...

Hmmm... just a minute. Surely i can find better ones than these...

Eh... still not racy enough. I'll check one more time.

That's better. LOOK AT THAT! I see about an inch of boob! Totally disgusting.

Ugh! Look at that indecency!! She must be from some third-world country to be exposed like that!!

Now that's just... There's no words to describe how inappropriate that is. Something needs to be done!!

Now
this takes the cake!! How dare they actually put such a disgusting
image on the cover of a magazine where teenage boys might see it. This
simply must be disposed of ASAP via a shredder, before teenage boys
learn what boobs are really for!!

This just makes me want to vomit!

...but why stop at breastfeeding women? There are boobs
everywhere. Beware! If you thought the above photos were offensive, you
WILL DEFINITELY be offended by the photos below.

Not this one though. This was in plain view on newsstands and in mailboxes in 19 countries worldwide!

Not this one either. This one actually won an award!

Oh, and i guess this ones fine too, since everyone knows you can't sell jeans without someone being topless.

or beer, for that matter!

or sunglasses...

or movie tickets...

or CDs...

...you
know what? Maybe I'm crazy, but i think that someone mixed up some
photos here. The first batch are offensive, but the second batch are
just fine and dandy???

people who live in glass bras:

shouldn't throw stones:

Which message is healthier?

Breastfeeding which is medically approved to give HUMANS the best start in life. . . or

Images that promote STD's, unattainable beauty standards, sexual promiscuity, plastic surgery, and just plain TRUE indecency?

Which would you rather your daughter live up to?

Ifyou think women have the right to breastfeed their children no matter
where they are, please re-post this. The least you can do is help some
children get the best nutrition they can get. Breastfed babies have
lower instances of obesity, asthma, allergies, certain childhood
diseases, learning disabilities, and other health problems. For each
woman who feels like she shouldn't be breastfeeding right where she is,
there is an innocent baby who is losing out. Don't be responsible for
any child's health problems. support breastfed babies and their right
to eat in public like the rest of us.

Holy crap man

2009-02-16T20:03:00.004+01:00

I knew I'd get belly faster this time but holy crap. I'm breaking out the maternity clothes over here! And filling them! (6 weeks today) Sorry the pic is so blurry, our camera is on the fritz and I need to call tech support and probably take it into a repair shop. :( And that won't be happening till we move, obviously!

Speaking of, we had the inspector dude over this morning (very nice guy, Ray immediately wanted to be held by him) and he checked out all the stuff they're going to have to pack.

I should mention here for documentation purposes that Anthony has taught Ray to pat my butt when I get out of the shower. (I usually spend a few minutes in the buff cooling off from the hot shower so I don't sweat up my clothes) So he's been happily chasing me around trying to get at my rear, and the other day took it a step further when I felt *pat..pat......spreaaaad*. I leapt about three feet sideways while Anthony nearly peed himself laughing. BOYS. GOSH.

I think the hunger is about to set in and damn if it doesn't hit like a freight train. Time to get the food going so when it hits I'm ready.

:O

2009-02-16T07:40:00.001+01:00

Am I the only one that finds this photo (it's big) to be beautiful, breath-taking, but somehow depressing? Like wow, I've never had that "I feel so insignificant looking at the stars" feeling until I saw this photo. I felt utterly lost.

Are my hormones just wacked or does this photo do that to any of you?

Woo!

2009-02-15T18:37:00.001+01:00

Holy shit in a bucket, after wasting a half hour straight furiously clicking for a damn V day egg, I DID manage to get one of the other new ones off the abandoned page. Sorry if it was your trade, this is my first egg that's anything close to a rare (thank you, shitty internet) and it's MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE. Lol.

<-- GOGO GIRL!

And some crap eggs to round out the collection with common shit I'm missing. (Not that I'm not missing every rare anyway. YES. BAWWWWWWWW.)
<--squee!

Well then

2009-02-14T21:55:00.000+01:00

Welcome to my lap. Population: 2. Or is it 1.5? (Aside from stomach woes being numerous none have been very strong. Everything gives me heartburn and gas, and if I'm not full then I'm hungry and queasy. The hunger hits like a freaking mack truck too.)

This was the morning of weird dreams. Anthony got up with Ray and surprisingly the little monster did not run into my room every few minutes to awaken me gently. Namely, by doing his signature atomic elbows off the headboard onto any exposed part of my body. Anyways, dozing. I had a bit of sleep paralyzation, and for once it wasn't frigging terrifying. I dreamed I was laying right there in bed, light was the same and everything, same position (as I was awake) with a hand on my belly, and I was feeling the baby move a ton. Extra weird because my belly was flat but this was the movement of a bigger baby, and I even wondered if maybe I was farther along than I thought. Anthony was running around playing with Ray (and he really was in the waking world) and I kept trying to call him so he could come feel the baby. But of course I couldn't make any noise. After a few minutes I finally realized my throat was just too dry and I woke up and had a sip of water. I knew right off it had been a dream. It was all very surreal.

I'm having a strong Katamari urge. *sigh* It saddens me that after 2 ps2 games they dumped us and went for xbox and psp. Ssssaaaaaaaaaadfaces. Oh the betrayal, it cuts me deep. :(((

5w2d

2009-02-11T19:42:00.005+01:00

I'm going to be huge. It's official. 5weeks 2 days along, and that is NOT a food baby or bloating. This is first thing in the morning. Mostly my belly below the pants line is rounding out, the stupid c-section flap is unfolding and rounding out. Interesting side effect, I'm regaining feeling in the "dead zone" right above it! And it's alot less painful/bothersome in general. I was really worried being pregnant again would entail alot of scar discomfort but so far it's actually BETTER.

Whoa

2009-02-11T08:17:00.003+01:00

Dudes, I'm starting to get really excited about having another baby. Weeeeeee! TINY BABY THINGS.

Anthony got off early tonight, so we went out to eat at a little mom'n'pops seafood place. Food was great as ever, and lucky for us, they had live music! One old dude on guitar and the other switching between banjo and mandolin, singing bluegrass. Ray danced and clapped and munched popcorn shrimp and fries. It was wonderous.

After Fringe we put little man to bed and watched Repo! The Genetic Opera (which was cool and enjoyable, I think ALOT of the music could have been a ton better tho) and then Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. That was fun, and cute.

A good day, and a good night, and hopefully Anthony won't have to go into work till noon!

Packout is 2 weeks from today. Yikes!

Diet halp!

2009-02-10T23:05:00.004+01:00

Ok guys, here's the deal. At the advice of my midwife I'm going on a diet to help keep this baby at a more normal weight. She's seen babies up to 2lbs lighter than their c-section siblings! That's ALOT!

So I need help thinking of things to eat, and especially with yummy snacks that I can eat frequently.

I like:
To eat most anything. I WILL eat most anything.
I prefer salty over sweet.
I love ramen, and I dress it up with eggs and onions and spinach and sometimes sausage (beef) and so on!
I do like seafood.

What I can't have:
Dairy
Fruit Juice
No beef and any other meat is preferred organic (to avoid the growth hormones).
I should also be keeping my carb intake low.

So for breakfast I like turkey bacon, with fruit and/or eggs. But I'm kinda burned out on eggs cooked in breakfasty ways.
For lunch I'm more than happy with a spinach salad, with tuna on top. But now I'm reading because of the mercury levels I shouldn't have more than a tin or two of tuna a WEEK. UGH. Plus it kind of kills my fish intake, and I love fillets of fish.
I'm not crazy about chicken breast. Even seasoned up all nice it's boring to me.

But meals aren't so much my issue, it's the snacking. Normally I'd be gulping down cheese as an easy protein snack, but no dairy so that's out. Kind of watching carbs so no chips, plus if you have tortilla chips you need DIP! And while I'm sure salsa can be good for you, I'm sure cheese dip isn't. And again, dairy.

Help! I can only eat so many carrot sticks here people! And in my food boredom I've been eating bad the last few days with the justification of "It's too early to worry about the baby gaining too much weight!" which is not helpful.

So, any snack ideas you find delicious? I do love veggies but I need more fun way to cook them or eat them fresh! (Except broccoli. I'll eat it if I must but that and cauliflower are high on the prefer-NOT list) Any cookbooks you think may be helpful?

HAHA

2009-02-10T06:57:00.000+01:00

Christ FINALLY. Been trying to get another split for over a week and missed SO MANY. Stupid internet!

(Please feel free to click!)

In other joyous news, we got a housing offer today, the EXACT one we were hoping for! (Funny these things should coincide) So that issue is solved. :)

Free

2009-02-08T06:56:00.003+01:00

Free at last! I just left the "debate" team at babycenter. (A forum for moms and moms-to-be) There used to be some interesting debates but these days it's nothing but "Hey, look at this parent that does things I find controversial! Let's all point and gasp and think how much more awesome we are!". And it's not even really, truly bad things. And sometimes not bad at all. I just saw a thread pop up where they were going to "debate" Unschooling (a form of homeschooling) and just unsubscribed for the whole lot. No one there is actually interested in debating, in presenting logical arguments or learning from each other. It's just a big ugly judgement fest and I can't take it anymore. It's vile and disgusting and only adds to the unattainable Super Mom persona that so many of us labor under, whether we do so consciously or not.

With my recent epiphany about judging other moms I just can't stomach all that toxic spew any more. Bleh.

For whatever reason I feel like this baby is more fragile. We're also "feeling" girl. (Not to say we girls are inherently fragile, at all, just how I feel for whatever reason.) Just for the record, Shanna is feeling that she'll be much smaller, like size won't be an issue this time, and that it might be because she'll come a little earlier? She also felt a respiratory problem of some kind, nothing serious or life-threatening, just maybe some trouble breathing from being early or could even be asthma later on. (Would also make sense with my own history.) Again, this is nothing we're going to bank on or plan on happening, just possibilities. She wasn't wrong about Ray though (although her record is not perfect) so I just want to file it away here for pondering down the road.

So yeah, interesting stuff. :)

Holy crap doods

2009-02-07T07:07:00.003+01:00

Disturbed was

AWESOME.

Love love love. Surprisingly the first opener was better than the second. Going by their recorded sound I was drawn to the second band more (7dust) but in concert Skindred rocked out.

And Disturbed was just plain LOVE. Anthony was able to come with me, actually managed to get out of work in time for us to go together. Sherry (next door neighbor) watched Ray, and he was sound asleep by the time we got home although she said it took him a while to fall asleep. I'm glad we were able to get home by midnight for her sake, I know they're not night owls like we are.

The moshers were REALLY annoying, at least in virginia they were civilized enough to form an outer ring of pushers to keep us civilized folk from getting squashed. And I mean, look at me guys. Skinny little short chick, do I fricking LOOK like I want to mosh?! What freaks me out more than getting pushed or slammed into is when whole groups of people mash on you, I'm so afraid of losing my footing and getting trampled. :S

But yes, Disturbed. David Draiman is just as yummy in real life as he is on the videos. That piercing remains freaking HOT. Agh! So awesome. I know it wasn't really Anthony's thing but it was really nice to have him there to bodyguard me lol.

Can't take it

2009-02-06T00:56:00.001+01:00

Ok I waited to tell Grandma Sara first (her early birthday present!) and now I must share that the new baby will be here in October!! Yay!

Fashion Sense

2009-02-05T17:46:00.002+01:00

He brought me the bottom shirt, for the first time demanding to wear something. It is, admittedly, too small. There are some cute little frogs on it. Once that was on, he gave me his original shirt, wanting to wear that one too!

Yes mother, he has my fashion sense. I will be forever poked fun at because the outfits I chose as a child were, well, vibrant. Let us also remember that was the early 90's, mom, it was the STYLE!

Some Superbowl Ramble!

2009-02-02T05:33:00.003+01:00

First off, holy tits what a game! Was minorly rooting for the cardinals but mostly just hoping for a good game, and wow did we get one! Great stuff.

John Madden, your obsession with "penetration" and "big, strong hands" is really starting to worry me. All we can do is giggle when you speak. Does this guy say anything intelligent? Ever?

Some good commercials too, and some I had issue with. The one big "wtf?" for me was the Cars.com commercial. Overall, decent and fairly enjoyable. But the beginning killed me, as they showed a hospital delivery room, a new mother holding her newborn, and the baby reached out and grasped the doctors finger. Cool, cool, until the narrator said that the baby was "congratulating the doctor on a perfect delivery". And I went WHUUUUUUH?! What did the flipping DOCTOR do?! Mama over there did the freaking work! Bah! *throws hands in the air* Anthony was greatly annoyed with my rather loudly proclaimed ire on that commercial but by god it's annoying!

Oh! And I think alot of Ray's "issues" the past few days have been because daddy is gone so darn much. Not that he can help it of course, but all Ray knows is "Daddy is here" or "Daddy is not here". He was fantastic today, Anthony's first 24 hours at home in weeks. He was a little crazy tonight but I think that was just all the fun of having mom and dad within reach (on the couch watching the game and showering attention on him) for hours. It was good crazy but hooboy.

Well now I need to pay some attention to my man. He'll be gone a LOT the next two weeks so we gotta treasure what time we get. Or at least make good use of it. ;)

ETA: Please to click away if you like! And if you'd like to see all my growed up dragons check here!

OISAJFOEIWJAF

2009-01-30T02:25:00.002+01:00

And now I remembered that THIS IS WHY I SMOKED.

WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE. Well that's not fair. I had my own stupid reasons for smoking. But the incessant WHINING DID NOT HELP. And now with no smoking to save me I just want to take off down the street yanking my hair out. EVERYthing is an emergency and requires screaming and WHINING. We play, but it invariably turns to VERY rough rough-housing (which is not ok), or repeating one simple thing beyond my 5 minute limit.

Mom, I love you, but I hate that bloody batmobile. He doesn't even watch it go! He plops it in my lap and runs away. Like, to the other end of the house. But if I don't set it off he just pushes it further into my lap, my face, WHINES. AGH. And he absolutely refuses to shake it himself.

Kill me now. We've tried snuggling on the couch, he just wants to play rough and turn into the rubber baby. Save me. X_X

Holiday

2009-01-20T06:41:00.002+01:00

We had a nice, chill day today. Watching shows/movies, playing with our boy, and just being together. We headed for a local park that leads right down to the bay. We played on the playground first, it's so funny because even though the floors of the equipment are not see through, Ray is soooooooooo careful up there and will stay on all fours until he's at the top or has a hold on one of us. After that we walked down to the bay. As we walked the wooden boardwalk to the stand Ray kept looking down and stopping every step or two, we assume since he could see a wee bit through the slats. Amazing that he's so careful out there, when at home he is BEYOND fearless!

The tide was out, leaving mud and clay filled with sand crab holes and huge shallow puddles. We trekked through the goop to the edge of the bay. (Keep in mind it was nearly 80f here today and yesterday as well) Ray was deadset on the water, so after rolling up my pants and stripping my shoes, I followed him in and took off his pants and shoes so he could play in the water a bit. It was chilly and windy, but it being a bay the water was very calm and shallow. He was happy to splash around a bit until he finally lost his balance and plopped on his butt. THEN he was displeased with the cold, being soaked to his chest! We stripped him quick, and I had DH donate his shirt (which he whined about, but I pointed out I couldn't exactly donate MINE) and we trekked back to the car with Ray in his daddy nightgown.

You know, that kinda bothers me. There's nothing WRONG with boobies. They're not even originally meant to be sexual. They're no different from what men have, just larger. He can take off his shirt anywhere out doors. I take mine off and I can be arrested. That irks me a bit.

So anyway, back to the nightly Raycapades. Anthony and I were in here diddling around on our seperate computers, with the TV on in the next room. After a few minutes I had that "it's quiet...TOO QUIET" realization. We found Ray sitting on the couch with a half eaten banana. Yes, he'd pulled the bunch off the counter, detached one banana (the stem stayed attached to the rest, thankfully giving him an opening without excess mooshing) and was peeling the damn thing THE RIGHT WAY. Keep in mind we haven't had bananas in our house for months, and he's only seen two or three peeled and eaten in the last few days. He was good, didn't eat the peel, and once he finished he set the empty peel onto the bookcase next to the couch, just like we would mid-show. We were just plain in shock, lol.

So overall, a good day. :)

At last!

2009-01-17T18:54:00.000+01:00

What gamers have been trying to tell worried parents and potential censorship supporters all along, violent video games =/ violent children or adults. Thank you, and good night. (PS I was excited to see the makers of Unreal Tournament and Half-Life games participating. Two of my favoritest game series ever and also rather bloody but soooooooooooo fun.)

Four Years Running

2009-01-16T17:56:00.008+01:00

January 16th, 2005! Anthony Lee and Nastassja Merina! Omg look at all our hair! XD

A few months later. (Not an anniversary photo, so sue me!)

For our first anniversary we went to Barcelona for a few days. Sadly we seem to have no pics of us together, so here's one from a few weeks before that with our ghetto hanukkah.

January 16, 2007, and pregnant with my little man! We took a trip to Cordoba, which was very cool. :)

Last year, again we seem to have no anniversary pic (and honestly I can't remember what we did. Oops.) but this is January 25th, 2008!

Thinking Anthony would be gone during our anniversary (and, well, he is) we didn't plan anything this year. Having no money helps with that too. But yesterday he showed up early from work (wasn't supposed to be home at all!) bearing steak and a glass of flowers. :) It was very sweet! Four years and counting, January 16, 2009! (Again no anniversary pic, but this was two weeks ago up at the farm!)

froths at the mouth

2009-01-14T21:28:00.003+01:00

Hooray for more shitty kids fantasy movies taking a crap on my genre of choice. Because anything with magic must be aimed at kids!

And I'm not against kids fantasy but honestly do we have to talk DOWN to them like they're mentally disabled? This is what I LOVED about Harry Potter. It was clean, aimed at kids, but it didn't treat them like brainless zombies unable to follow a plot line. And I'm sure there are quite a few young adult series that are similar (don't get me started on Twilight) but get the equivalent of a lobotomy when put into movie form.

While we're ranting about things aimed at kids, wtf is up with Kidz Bop? That shit has been around since I was a child, and even then I found the entire thing insufferable. Especially in the days of iTunes and "clean" Walmart cuts of albums there's just no reason for it. I don't want to hear a bunch of yutzes with no nutses or menses (well, it almost worked) shrieking away top 40 hits. And some of the SONGS! Now, I know they're edited to be kid friendly but whyyyyyyyy. Can we not just make music that's kid friendly that doesn't have to be mindless nattering about friendship or colors...and sung by adults? Don't get me wrong, I will LOVE listening to my son sing, and a well-done children's choir can be AMAZING. But having little Cindy singing it with SOUL makes my head explode. OW. STOP IT.

*huff* Does anyone buy those atrocious CD's? I guess someone must or they wouldn't be on edition 389423. As I said, even as a kid they had no pull for me. And if I had been listening to those songs on the radio I wouldn't want some bad knock-off sung by a 13 year old boy that has no clue what the words entail.

Woo!

2009-01-13T22:19:00.001+01:00

I actually clicked in time to get a COOL ONE OMFG

And looky, I finally got two of my dragons to breed and make an egg!

ANDMAKE

Also: remains awesome and I've got and should be growing up any day now. Wee!

Guess what?

2009-01-13T03:35:00.002+01:00

My family could kick your families ass. Any day, any time.

We remain, delightfully odd. :)

Festivus, for the Rest of Us!

ETA: My mother would have me point out that all participants live south of the mason dixon and thusly are inherently bigger wusses about cold than northerners. Take THAT, yanks!

Adorable as ever

2009-01-12T05:13:00.002+01:00

We were watching Phantom of the Opera today before Ray's nap. He very much enjoyed the music, and after Christine performs "Think of Me" and the audience is applauding, Ray clapped his hands and gave her an enthusiastic, "Good job!!". We about died. XD That's mah boy!

He was just on FIRE today. Everything he did was with extreme enthusiasm. From jumping around on our bed (and nearly falling off, giving me heart attacks as I watched from my perch on the toilet) to playing with his "whack the ball through the hole" toys. He ended up receiving a big plastic one hand-me-down from a friend, and a wooden one from my parents. I thought we'd end up giving one away but he LOVES them both. We also played alot with his shake-n-go batmobile. He tossed the kitchen rugs all over as I cooked dinner and has been eating us out of house and home. At first I thought he was just bored and enjoyed snacking, but found with a little experimenting that he was just plain HUNGRY. So he had numerous breakfasts and lunches. He's been sleeping good and heavy at night (knock on wood) so I think we're in the midst of a major growth spurt.

He's also been very helpful. He helped me put groceries in the fridge, and after pulling some trash off the counter he helped me throw it in the trash can. I think he's been saying "pretty" (pee-ee) and "baby" (bee). Just going by what he says and points at and words that I use with him frequently. (We have a picture of his cousin Sorina at easter on the fridge, christmas family pictures of my Aunt Sara's family and the neighbors, and an old black and white of my mom holding a baby me. We look at "the babies" alot together!)

So he's been a handful but he's more fun every day. He's also starting to really like the TV, something that I'm trying to cut us back on again. If it's off for a little while he either turns it on himself or brings me the remote. >.> Oops. He doesn't seem to care much what's on, I think he just likes watching and listening to the people and the music. Which I can't fault him for, but I would like less of it.

Oh! His other big word now is "Oh WOWWWWW". He was paging through one of his books earlier (he really likes the color one you read to him at the farm, mama. Can't remember if it was from you or not) and saying "Oh WOWWWW!" very passionately. XD He also loves to play with any utensils and dishware we leave laying around in his reach, and "feeds" himself. If only he did so well when he's actually up in the high chair, alone with his spoon and cup of applesauce!

Speaking of, those are some more words. He says "get up" and "get down", more phrases we use frequently. The other day after finishing his applesauce he called to me, "get down way!" (ray). So I of course obliged him. :)

So that's my baby update! Nothing much else going on of note. I've kicked my WoW habit for the time being. Anthony just started playing a little again tonight but he's not been very motivated either.

Gee whiz

2009-01-10T06:50:00.002+01:00

When the hell will people ever get it?

Homeschoolers are not friendless, socially crippled losers incapable of talking to people outside their circle of friends or acting appropriately depending on their situation.

A tidbit for thought:

Let's say you want to learn how to ball-room dance. It's a VERY important skill in your society, and without it life would be exceedingly difficult. So you decide you need to learn it, and go to a school for it. Everyone swears that the best way to learn to ballroom dance is to go hang out all day in a room filled with people that also haven't the first clue about ballroom dancing. Then, as years pass people will bitch incessantly about how much you suck at ballroom dancing, and yet perpetuate the system and claim that learning to do it from a small group of people that ballroom dance expertly is just ludicrous and silly.

WE MUST CONTINUOUSLY REINVENT THE WHEEL K. AND WE WONDER WHY KIDS SHOOT EACH OTHER AFTER YEARS OF BULLYING. Orite that wus the VIDEO GAMEZ. OF SATAN. AND EVIL...STUFF.

*beats her head on the desk*

Seriously?! Does anyone think about what they say and do AT ALL?

****This post has been brought to you by Coca-Cola, Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, and Idiots. Mostly idiots.

Wee dawgie!

2009-01-10T02:15:00.002+01:00

Well Anthony returned home with good news today, our orders with a space left for us to write in our move date. YUS. Then I got to talk to the housing lady and found out we'll be moving into a really nice place, forfeiting our BAH (about $2100 before taxes) but in exchange a nice big place and no rent or utility bills to be paid. That, my friends, is sweet, blessed, FREEDOM. And they really are nice places, townhouses with large garages in each unit, and 2-3 bedrooms running about 1600 sqft. So less rooms but more SPACE. This heap has three bedrooms but we can't even fit our bedroom set in the "master" bedroom, aka the big closet with the bed in it. All we have to do is call them up 4 wks ahead of time and they'll give us our new address right then, ready for move in. SUWHEET DOODS.

So that's my good news for the day. Anyone else have some good stuff to share?

Oh mah goodness. D:

2009-01-08T21:12:00.002+01:00

I has a blog award. I'm not entirely sure for what, but somebody likes what I write and so I'll just assume it's for how fucking awesome I am. XD

Behold:

The Lemonade Stand of Awesomery Blogging Award!

*flex* *pose* *coca-cola grin*

XD

And in turn I hereby award Refuse to be a Womb Pod, The Hathor Legacy, and Navelgazing Midwife. I don't think any read my stuff, but I highly suggest them all! And many more that I need to add to my links over there!

It's about that time now

2009-01-08T01:06:00.002+01:00

Was reading a bit of my HypnoBirthing book today. (My neighbor is awesome by the way, I was talking to her today and she mentioned using Hypnobabies for her last baby, never bats an eye when I talk about homebirth. It's great to know people who don't think I'm nuts lol) It was talking about releasing your fears in order to be able to relax completely when it's birth time. I realized I have a LOT of anxiety, fears and worries that I need to get out from under.

So first I'm going to list those specific fears, then I'm going to list what I know logically will help keep those fears from becoming reality. After that a little questionnaire I've been putting off for months that's meant to help you process your birth.

1. I'm afraid I won't go into labor on my own. (More fears come with that, fear of an AROM induction, in the hospital, history repeating.)

Answer - I'm pretty sure I was picking up on Anthony's anxiety about me going into labor heavily. He knows things will turn out okay, but he worries immensely. Having him go up to a friends house may help. Also, when talking to my best friend, even just online, my contractions got noticeably stronger. Every time. She'll be living nearby and coming down for the birth. Combination of him gone and her close should have me shooting that kid out at light speed. LOL. If we for some reason end up in the hospital my midwife will be my doula so I won't get pushed around nearly as much.

2. I'm afraid the baby will be as big or bigger than last time, which scares me because I don't think the size is the problem, so much as how much space I have in my torso and whether or not being that cramped contributed to Rays head being tilted.

I read on my midwife's blog things to cut out of your diet to help not grow them huge. Mostly no dairy so no growth hormones. I ate alot of that with Ray trying to get easy protein and calcium.

Alrighty. And now the questions:

When you think about your previous birth, what is your favorite moment?
Right before the epidural, when my mom calmed me down by pressing her forehead to mine and getting me to focus.
What moment do you try not to think about, or what moment still bothers you?
When they broke my water I had progressed, just a little, on my own without the pit. To that point pitocin had done NOTHING for me. Not a single cm. After they broke it, instead of walking around a bit as I'd hoped to do beforehand I was just hooked right back up to the pit, even more than before. I think the contractions were so terrible and endless because soon after I started contracting on my own and the pit just made it crazy. Why the pit would magically work post water breaking is a little far-fetched to me.
What was your most brilliant moment?
Caught between tearing off the hospital gown right after the doctor carefully re-tied it, and enduring four hours of good, strong pushing even on so little sleep.
Who or what helped you most when you gave birth?
My mama and Anthony. They were great.
What was your first thought when you saw your baby?
This bugs me. I scarcely remember the first eyeful I got. It was SO fast, they just held him over the curtain for what seemed like a millisecond. What I do remember is he was wet, purple-red and LOUD. Add big to that. When they first brought him over he was all bundled up and I just thought he was beautiful and perfect. The love was instant. The hour alone in recovery couldn't go faster.
If your baby could speak, what's the first thing it would thank you for?
For giving as much as I did, enduring as much, in less than optimal circumstances.
How did the journey of birth change you?
It made me very sensitive to the stories of others, overly-critical and inwardly judgemental. I think I'm finally moving past this however and it's given me a deeper understanding of how very unique each birth is to each woman and only she herself can weigh-in on the quality or difficulty of it.
What do you now know about yourself that you didn't know before?
I'm pretty darn self-less for my babies. :)

Reader Appreciation Day!

2009-01-07T03:57:00.002+01:00

I declare today Reader Appreciation Day, codename RAD for all you awesome, nameless readers. I know I have one consistent commenter (love you mama!) and I'm really curious about those that I don't know but are reading anyway. Anonymous or no, I ask you to comment just this once, even just to say "Hi" because I'm really curious about ~~feeding my ego~~ meeting you lovely folks. In tracking views/clicks on my silly dragon eggs I know that between here and my mirror LiveJournal blog I have more friends viewing my posts than I know.

Plus that will also prevent me from speaking poorly of you in the future. LOL.

Go on, it's a free for all today! Be adventurous in the new year! Give me a shout!

Owned

2009-01-07T01:03:00.002+01:00

Well I guess I had that coming. *shakes fist at karma* But I think it was kind of the wakeup call I needed to see just how very poisonous these kinds of thoughts are.

I was having a silly back and forth with my sister in law today (the one with the new adorable little guy) about who had the cuter kid. Was quite playful but on the snarky side, normal for us. She mentioned me having a ten lb monster and I retorted about her shrimpy little thing (he's still probably not ten lbs at two weeks). Then she said "At least I was able to push him out" and I think the wind went out of my. I called uncle, and said "ouch, below the belt" and she immediately apologized, saying that was mean. I know it happens, and I know she didn't mean anything by it. No hard feelings there, but owowowowow, was it ever a sock to the gut.

I didn't post it but I meant to recently, as I'd been thinking of how very unique each birth is. As unique as each life that is being given, and the one giving it. It has sort of it's own life span, ups and downs, and different effects on those around (experiencing) it. Just as we cannot judge the quality and happiness in someone else's life based on our own experience, we cannot put labels on others births. We can laugh with them, cry with them, hug them in joy or comfort, but it is not our place to call into question their feelings about it. I discovered last night I was actually able to sympathize with my other sister in laws difficult birth experience, without a hint of jealousy, and truly empathize with her. It was a wonderful feeling after so long.

So I've realized that in spite of my best attempts at hiding the poisonous thoughts, they did bubble to the surface and my sister in law, on some level picked up on them. Or has similar thoughts herself, who had it rougher and who did better and blah blah blah. It's not a pretty thing on either end and for me at least, it MUST stop, and it is, right now.

I've seen how truly ugly (and again Bird, should you be reading this no hard feelings, I really brought it on myself and obviously needed the kick in the rear) the Mommy Competition is and I'm not taking part anymore. Inside or out.

If I'm ever going to feel good about any future birth, my own especially but others as well, I must quiet this demon and move on.

I guess you could call this some sort of new years thing but it's merely coincidence, I've needed this change in attitude for a long time. If anyone wants to contribute a little, I'm intensely interested in this book after reading an excerpt online. I've found it super cheap Used on Borders Marketplace for like $4.00, we just haven't a cent to spare right now. I would be eternally grateful should a copy find itself headed my way. :)

Home again!

2009-01-06T05:28:00.003+01:00

NEVER AGAIN. The trip, on the whole, was fantastic. We had a fabulous time with my parents and Brandon (little brothers friend) and relaxing at the farm, playing in the snow, and so on. We really had a good time.

Ray burned his hands on the wood stove (the "HOT!" warning finally hit home) and the poor little dude ended up with some pretty big blisters. He was calmed down and ok after a few hours but it was rough on him. I feel bad but obviously he had to learn HOT the hard way. Obviously I would never stick his hand on something hot to teach it, that's just meeeeessed up. But he did learn it, that wood stove got some dirty looks afterwards!

We all came down with the Ass Plague (minus Anthony and my dad, of course!). Brandon started it the day before we arrived, then four days later (after Ray got burned) Ray got it, puked once and then had a few days of diarrhea. The puke was nasty but not traumatic, more like a huge spit up on his radar. My true mettle as a mother was tested, as I was plunged into the refining fires of being puked on, and I came out whole and calm, never even gagged or got more than mildly grossed out. LOL.

Next day Ray was feeling better so we went to see Anthony's parents (GAH) and JD and Bird, and her new Baby Bird. (JD being the youngest brother, he's just started college.) Little dude was sooooo cute and slept and ate the whole time. I was feeling nauseous (presumably from the alcohol I'd consumed the night before) and I threw up right before we left, hoping that would be the end of it we took of. Ooooooh but it wasn't. We stopped about 10 times on the side of the snowy highway (turning a two hour trip into over three hours) so I could drain myself from both ends simultaneously. That was hell. The sheer misery of the whole ordeal had me questioning my homebirth desires, LOL. Which is silly I know, but those were my thoughts at the time.

Got back to the farm to find my brother stricken with the same malady, and later that night my mom had a mild bout as well. This really threw off our travel plans for DC the following day, and we spent an extra day at the farm. Rather than infect everyone we met in DC (and given the extra day in our itenerary) Anthony and I turned for home and sadly missed seeing family and dear friends down there. :( Still kind of disappointed but with Anthony due at work Wednesday morning and the Ass Plague being so highly contagious it was a gift best never given to those down south. Did I mention Anthony's little bro got it? Poor guy had to go to the ER twice, first for dehydration and then again when he had a dystonic reaction (muscle spasming, his tongue went nuts) to the meds they gave him the first time. Bird and Baby Bird had a minor episode, thankfully no puking for them and it was very short. Can't help but think Baby Bird was protected by the Almighty Boob!

We opted to stop for the night on our way home rather than push through the night (30 hours of driving) as we did on our way up. It was muuuuch better to stop, but still a very long difficult trip and one that's committed us to just saving up for airfare next time, especially given our upcoming move to San Diego.

Speaking of, we should have more news on that once Anthony returns to work Weds. Yay! Hopefully they'll have us approved so we can get on the housing waiting list and schedule our move. Should be interesting, and I can't wait to be settled in off-base housing out there. Our finances are so beyond strained right now (as in, we're NOT making it but we have wonderful support from those recently blessed with extra funds, hugs!) and it will be fantastic to be out from under rent/utility bills, and get one car paid off with the tax return. One year to pay off a $15k car ain't half bad if you ask me. My car payment is considerably lower so we should have no trouble keeping up with that another year.

Now we just huddle down until the water heater is fixed wednesday, I cannot WAIT to have hot water again and SHOWER. Sheesh. And moving to San Diego and escaping the wench land lady will be glorious. GLORIOUS I SAY.

And now, egg spam! See what happened to some of the last ones? Sadly my first two perished while we were away (hatched the day we left) and the other two lived and reached maturity today. Wee! More eggies on the way! FUN!

The Light

2008-12-26T04:55:00.001+01:00

I'm a lazy douche, but at last I am lighting my hannukah lights, on this, the fifth night. I didn't realize how much my heart and soul were starving for that beautiful, warming light. Ahhhhh.

*blissful* What peace. :)

So beautiful!

2008-12-25T09:35:00.002+01:00

Just have to link the gorgeous pictures taken by a wonderful midwife in San Diego of a recent homebirth.

Birth is just plain beautiful!

(Note: there are no graphic birth pics, although you can see some breasts, butt, and a bit of frontal nudity.)

PS I hope one day she is my midwife. :) Oooooh can't wait to be in san diego!

The good and the bad

2008-12-23T03:36:00.003+01:00

First, the good! My newest nephew was born today at 5:30 pm. His mama went in for her induction last night, and aside from needing some vacuum assistance came out just perfect at 7.7lbs and 20.5 inches! His name is Matthias Alexander. And I get to see him on Jan 2nd wooooooo!

Okay, and the not so good. I should be happy for her. And, I am! But unhappy with the labor, and that's not my place. More like it's dredging up the feeling, once again, that my body is broke. And I KNOW that's not true. I had so many other circumstances that thankfully she did not have. And I wouldn't for the world wish my experience on her. Ever.

When I heard her mom say she had a rough time I wanted to scream that she didn't! She had it easy! It didn't last two days and X and X and Y. She doesn't have this fucking scar to deal with forever! She doesn't have her future birthing options severely limited, and constant anxiety that things will go terrible again because of it! Of course I would never say that. To her or her mom. Or anyone! It's shameful even thinking it. At the same time I'm bothered even thinking that it was somehow easy for her because of X and Y and Z. Who the fuck should have to measure up to my stick of Toughness before they're allowed to call it Tough? That's just insane. I hate feeling that way. I'm a shmuck. =/ (And yes I know tons of people have it toughER than I did, CS or not)

I had this same deal happen with her sister during her birth. And she also had tough parts of her labor. Shoulder dystocia is something I hope I never see. (Look! See my measuring stick?! She's almost up to ME now! Ugh!)

It's really making me question my desire to become a doula. Am I going to feel this way after every birth? I know I'll never fully be OVER it, but will it fade so I don't suddenly get sucked back down into these terrible, unfair thoughts and feelings? Please tell me it gets better.

And I don't think having a VBAC will necessarily be some cathartic, healing experience. It will heal some wounds, certainly. Maybe it will heal this feeling that my body sucks and is inadequate somehow. I know it will also dredge up some more shit from the first birth. And that scares me a little. Will it reduce or remove this vitriol when others have "easier", successful vaginal births?

*sigh* Will be mulling that over the next few days. No I won't. I'm putting it away until our drive up north. Then I'll have tons of quiet time to ponder. No keeping me up at night, you thoughts! *shoos them*

It really sucks when you know your feelings are BS and you just can't change it somehow. Someone tell me something wise and revealing so I can sleep tonight!! I may as well go buy my tylenol PM now. LOL.

I'm a nerd

2008-12-21T19:41:00.004+01:00

As if you didn't know of my nerdiness already.

But OMFG DRAGONZ.

View or clicky, yay!

I feel like I have a gigapet. >.>

Edit: I'm a dork x2!

Edit 3 still havin' fun!

Edit 4 REALLY REALLY DONE NOW I SWEARZ

The Move...

2008-12-19T08:17:00.003+01:00

...Cannot come soon enough! It is 60some outside (at 1am) and so humid it might as well be raining. Water on all the cars and it SOUNDS like a light rain from water dripping off the roof and trees. Could it be more disgusting here?

Speaking of the move, we put in a request for Feb 20th. The date is a little up in the air but it should happen close to that time! Hooray! We are absolutely drowning in bills (thanks mom and dad >.<) with the only end in sight being blessed off-base housing with no rent, and no utility bills!

Taking a break from WoW. I'm at that burnout point where the moment I log in and look at my character I feel almost ill and I can't log out fast enough. It really is an addiction of sorts, it gives you a quick easy sense of accomplishemnt to get something done in game, but later you feel like crap because you know you didn't REALLY get anything done. What I need to do is spend time with my boy, work more on my doula certification, and clean out the box room. I guess I'll have piles of donate, toss, and keep. We only qualify for a two bedroom so box room has got to go! Honestly I'm tempted to toss most of the damn boxes without looking. We've survived the past 8 months without that crap, and some of it we've gone nearly 4 years without touching. Yikes. I also want more crap out of the living area. God I will kill for a big kitchen with lots of cupboards untouched by roach shit. Please lord, bless me with one!

Ok bed time, I am TOAST. Although I heard Ray stir a few minutes ago so it'll likely be a while before I sleep. :(

WHUT??!

2008-12-12T07:44:00.000+01:00

I hate to make fun of emo death metal bands, but I saw this track list and had to share. *stifles more giggles*

Weeping Birth - Anosognosic Industry of the I

1. Then the Moon Came
2. Hurle à la Mort
3. Totalitarian Grievance
4. I Was
5. Detestable Birth Tapestries with Snakes Embroidered
6. Der Tanz der Toten
7. Vaginal Secretions
8. Orgasmic Fetid Breath
9. Love, Death's Betrothed
10. Immobile
11. Mutisme
12. Shadowless
13. La Muvais Oeil

Vaginal Secretions? WTF??

Heehee

2008-12-04T17:53:00.000+01:00

I don't know how old/viral this is, but it was my first time seeing it and had to share.

Margaret Cho, Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris (squee!) and MANY others in Proposition 8: The Musical! Vote for looooove people! :D

Tired of the fight

2008-11-14T06:35:00.003+01:00

I'm really, really tired of our raid leader in WoW. For those of you that don't play, keep reading because this actually has nothing to do with the game.

He's a 27 year old virgin (which on it's own is all fine and cool. The guy has standards, whatevs) that still lives with his parents and is absolutely convinced women are evil, lying psychopaths. Oh, he's plenty intelligent, just got his masters, and has interesting things to say on many subjects.

Until you start talking about women. And the guy obviously has no clue what he's talking about, but his fantasy world of wicked conniving women is gospel truth, dontcha know. He tried to dominate me, yet again, today. It's not the first time.

It usually goes through some version of this:

Him: Mysoginistic remark, sometimes thinly veiled by attempting to be humorous.
Me: WTF
Him: Tries to validate his point.
Me: Completely owns him in the face, quietly showing the misogyny in his statement without really calling him out.
Him: Long silence, followed by some form of "Well I was just trying to be funny" aka, "What you said doesn't really matter, I have control here and now don't you sound silly for OVERREACTING TO A JOKE!"

Today I called him on the last part, saying "Oh that's cute, now you're just trying to make it out as a joke to invalidate my point. Nice try."

Another guild member pointed out I was doing that woman thing where I was going to win either way. Not really sure how to take that, but deciding to shelf it for now.

I understand that the jokes are just going to be part of playing a very male dominated game as a known vagina-bearer. There's tons of sexist humor, and even being something of a feminist I can laugh because I know most of the guys are just poking fun, and have wives or girlfriends that are treated well.

But raid leader...ugh. It bothers me even more because the other folks in the guild will only say something to him if it's a complete bullshit statement, like very very obvious. Today somebody started out with the "female orgasm is a myth" thing. (What does that even mean, really?) I pointed out my confusion, and how any man saying that that had ever had sex with a woman was insulting himself mostly, as it meant he might be bad in bed. Raid leader started in with some Seinfield reference and women doing it to further their ambitions.

I said (in so many words) that it was in the best interest of both parties to ask once in a while if there was any way they could improve or if their current actions were really "doing it" for the other person. I said that this was the super secret to good sex, actually caring about the other persons pleasure and that it was easy enough to avoid a woman "faking it" by asking if you could do something different/better. Raid-leader was markedly silent during this, and then said that he was just trying to make a joke and point out the seinfield reference. (Again, trying to get back on top by making me out to be the "crazy overreacting bitch") That's when I tossed out the "Oh that's cute, you were just trying to make a funny so my point would be invalid". That shut him up for a while. XD I love owning him in the face, but it's really bugging me that I have to keep dealing with his shit, and Anthony and I are usually the only ones to really stand up to his childish behavior like that.

Sigh.

Milestone!

2008-11-11T03:17:00.001+01:00

Oh my goooooooood so cute! Ray is standing next to me babbling. This is not abnormal. He's noisy and I expect once he truly starts talking I'll be wishing for these days again. LOL.

But anyways, I look down and he's got my cellphone pressed to his ear, and he's babbling away on it. Soooooo insanely cute! Here I've been wondering about what age they start to use their imagination, and I guess that's about now! He's also taken more interest in cartoons and such on the TV. He laughs at things that happen, but it's generally not for any reason I can comprehend. It's really sweet though.

Gosh, I guess he's becoming a little kid. And now he's got my bike helmet on his head. THE CUTENESS, IT ABOUNDS.

Ye gods, the pain!

2008-11-10T21:50:00.002+01:00

If you ever wanted to know what it would feel like to have George Lucas storm into your house, kick you in the jeeblies every two minutes for over an hour, and stomp back out again, please watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars. (Yeah, that cartoon one that nobody saw)

And I'm one of those weirdo fans that ENJOYS the prequels! I cringe at the sack of shit that passes as dialogue, but I enjoy them. This is a new low blow to fans, however. The already horrific dialogue is taken to a new level of shittiness (I think we're at negative shit9,000 now) because now it's aimed at kids. As if the dialogue in ANY of the movies was really that far beyond the comprehension level of a seven year old.

I loved getting another petty jab in the eye as the opening credits started out with a much-altered version of the theme song, and the scrolling yellow text was replaced with the cheesiest effing narrator they could find. Seriously? Did ANYONE over the age of five enjoy this?

We couldn't sit through more than twenty minutes. Add in snot-nosed pretentious padawan chick and our heads were ripe to explode. The movie ended for me when, five minutes after meeting Anakin, little whatever-her-name-was refers to him as

"SKYGUY".

I apologize for the projectile vomiting that likely induced. She goes on to be pushy, disrespectful (to her brand new master who is also less than joyful about her appearance), ingenious, and by turns frightened fairy and fiesty warrior princess. BLARGH. Mary Sue more plz.

Ok, I'm done. I could rant for another half hour but I won't. Please save yourself the massive pounding headache and skip this one. (Thank god we didn't even pay to rent it *cough*)

On a related note, kids movies drive me bananas. Do we HAVE to give them such drivel for dialogue? Jesus, their understanding of higher-level concepts may be a little more limited, but they're not all mentally handicapped. Also, humor in dialogue is funny as WELL as slapstick, and we're coming up with new jokes for grown-up movies all the time, can we not do the same for kids? Good story, good dialogue, don't talk to them like they have a 40 word vocabulary. Check. Can anyone think of some good kids movies that fit these criteria? All that I'm coming up with are Pixar flicks.

Speaking of, we just watched Wall-E the other day, and are now anxiously awaiting it's arrival on blu-ray. Few movies still have me thinking about them a day or two later, and as a kids movie this is quite the achievement (unless you're pixar, apparently), so I know it'll be worth the buy.

OH SNAP KUNG FU PANDA IS OUT TODAY. WOO. Forgot about that! *runs out to buy*

Manmeme. giggle

2008-11-07T18:48:00.008+01:00

I found this on another blog and thought it would be fun! (Thanks LacyRose!)
1. Who is your man? Anthony
2. How long have you been together? About 5 years
3. How long did you date? Right around a year. Dunno exactly.
4. How old is your man? He's 27, I'm 22
5. Who eats more? He can eat more in one sitting, but I definitely eat more throughout the day!
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did :)
7. Who is taller? He's got a few inches on me.
8. Who sings better? I dunno, we're both decent and proud of it. I don't think either would admit to being worse than the other lol.
9. Who is smarter? Depends on the subject. He tends to be because somehow I still suffer mommy brain. :/
10. Whose temper is worse? Tough call. Depends on the situation.
11. Who does the laundry? Me. *grumble*
12. Who takes out the garbage? He does if he's home, but sometimes I'll just get sick of it and he's out so I do it.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do!
14. Who pays the bills? Well technically he "pays" them, as in provides the moolah, but I do the actual calling/paying online and such.
15. Who is better with the computer? Depends. He's better with the super technical stuff, but I know my fair share.
16. Who mows the lawn? He does if at all possible. (As in, he's not gone)
17. Who cooks dinner? Me 98% of the time. Working on that one. Hard to get him to do it when he's at work 70% of the time.
18. Who drives when you are together? I do, the carseat is in my car so it's just easier.
19. Who pays when you go out? We do. As it's "our" money!
20. Who is most stubborn? Good luck with that lol. Probably him, although I have a bit.
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Depends on who was wrong!
22. Whose parents do you see the most? Mine. There are...issues with going to see his, now that we have a child.
23. Who kissed who first? He kissed me, for sure. It was my first time and for a moment I was that trembly kind of girl you see in movies. Lol.
24. Who asked who out? Hard to say, we were already friends so we hung out as such, then it just kind of escalated. Lmao.
25. Who proposed? Anthony.
26. Who is more sensitive? Me, but he's a big softy too. Just doesn't show it.(Isn't that smirk sexy? This is before I met him, but that's about how he looked when we started dating. Mmmmmm that goatee. Curse you, Navy! And no, I did not marry Edward Norton, but pretty darn close.)

27. Who has more friends? Honestly I don't know. I would say me, but he's got his friends at work, I've got some online and old RL friends, plus we both have some in WoW. Who knows!
28. Who has more siblings? All him. He has 2 brothers and 2 sisters, I have one of each.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Me. Lol. He has final say in some things, but I have my share of the power. XD

Weehaw

2008-11-06T22:30:00.002+01:00

Ok, so, I forgot what I was gonna OH YEAH!

I remember now.

My dear beloveds, do not take Dayquil at night. For serious dawg. Unless you're ready for weird, vivid dreams, and superhuman sense of hearing. Like, Anthony taking a deep breath or rolling over beside me had me immediately awake and HAVING THE POOP SCARED OUT OF ME. It was very, very odd. Also, it completely dried me out and left me feeling like I'd been punched repeatedly in the face. Yes, my face was actually tender to the touch. Yowch. Back to my knock-off Walmart brand Mucinex, thank you very much.

(I only took the dayquil because I couldn't find my knock-off meds, assuming Ray had carried it off somewhere I miraculously "found" them this morning, on my nightstand, right where I left them. I so win at life.)

In other news, Ray woke only once for a cuddle last night (we let him stay up till 10:30) and otherwise slept like an angel until almost 9am. Granted, it was cloudy and dark out this morning, so I'm about to go back out in search of a better curtain for his room. (Target was sadly lacking, yesterday) But hallelujah for sleep! In the interest of finally getting over this cold (and hey, laziness!) I opted to nap with him this afternoon as well. Good times.

Just stop it, please.

2008-11-05T14:56:00.003+01:00

I'm ready to lose my damn mind. For over a week now this child has been up before 7am. Time change hasn't changed a thing around here, he operates by light. And apparently the most slight flicker of morning light wakes this child. And even though he's weepy and cranky and frigging exhausted, he will NOT go back to sleep. Then he takes this monster 3 hour nap in the afternoon to make up for the shitty 5-7 hours of interrupted sleep he got the night before. Oh yeah, last night he was up every 10 minutes from 11pm to 1:30am.

The one morning in the last two weeks he's slept any later than 6:45am? The one frigging day that it's Anthony's turn to get up with him so I can sleep. Yeah that day? HE SLEPT TILL 10. WHY DOES THE JESUS HATE ME SO. All I want is one morning, hell one morning every TWO weeks where I get to stay in bed an extra hour (not an extra ten minutes just to be sure I don't get the first diaper) without being screamed at, pinched or slapped. Mostly screamed at. Would also like less headaches, because very little very TENSE sleep = all day headache.

So yeah, I went to bed at 2am (for once through no fault of my own) and I've been up since this mess all started at 5:30am. I thought it was supposed to get better as they got older? I want my money back. It's days like today that the thought of having another child (or two!) makes me laugh until I'm crying. Seriously, I'm tired of crying from exhaustion every morning. My house is a wreck because my first few hours of the day are shit and I just can't seem to pull it together. Ugh.

And yes, I'm headed out asap to buy some real blackout curtains for his room. This shit just ain't cool and DST just made it all ten times worse.

FINALLY

2008-11-05T06:22:00.002+01:00

Well for better or for worse (and no, I'm wearing no mourning shroud, waiting to see how this turns out before I drown in woe!) at least all my blogging buddies, myspacers and LJ friends might finally STFU about Obama. I love you all, I really do, and I appreciate your enthusiasm. Lord knows I blather on about birth enough. But damn I'm tired of this election. I'm just happy it's over.

(And it's not from some hatred of Obama. Honestly there are alot of things I like about him. And there are things I like about McCain. But I disagree with Obama on more things than I disagree with McCain on. *shrug*)

Plus, I'll just admit it now...I didn't vote. I tried registering twice by mail, and each time they replied with some vage BS about how I didn't complete the form fully, and I did. Only thing I can figure is because I don't have a TX drivers license. (However I did put down my SSN, which they listed as an alternative, so maybe they're just being pricks. I mean hello, address in TX, paying state taxes, and legal citizen, wtf more do I need to VOTE?!) Getting a new license (and my GA one is still valid) would have required me retaking the god-forsaken drivers test with a 14 month old in tow. Call me a lazy shit, or maybe I just got caught up in everything the last month or so...I put it off. I feel bad, but at least Anthony got to vote. (I filled out his form too, come to think of it, with his SSN as I lacked his license number, so seriously wth. F U Texas!) You may all bitchslap me now, get it over with. :P And honestly...Texas really needed my help to go red? Yeah...

Pet peeve #1 rearing it's ugly head, however. I was in walmart last night (that's pet peeve #2, I swear) and they were playing CHRISTMAS MUSIC. SERIOUSLY. SHOOT ME NOW AND SPARE ME THE AGONY OF THE NEXT TWO MONTHS.

Oh Em Eff Gee dudes

2008-10-28T18:49:00.000+01:00

If you own a PS3, go buy Little Big Planet right this second. RIGHT NOW. Don't even read another word of this post, go!

Why are you still reading this? OBEY ME! You won't regret it. This is why I listen to Penny Arcade when they joygasm all over a game. They are RIGHT! It's so ridiculously fun, even more so with a friend playing. Anthony and I have had so much fun on this thing and we've just started playing. LOVES!

Annnnyway, we had playgroup this morning. It was fun. Everyone was awwwing all over poor Ray. He's like yeah whatever, walking on it, climbing things, and being his normal self. So glad he's walking again, I thought for a moment that I would enjoy him crawling for a few days and a brief respite from him getting into EVERYTHING but I just love him walking. My big boy. :)

Uh oh!

2008-10-28T02:44:00.002+01:00

Well my friends, the time has come! We knew it would happen one day (and probably many more times to come, knowing this kid) but I really had no idea it would be this soon.

Well, that's a lie. I probably jinxed him with all my "Oh my god, I can't believe he hasn't needed stitches or a cast yet!" thinking of late.

He went down the slide on Daddy's lap, and his shoe caught on the slide and pulled his leg underneath them, twisting it. He cried when it happened, but by the time I got to the park (not more than ten minutes later, I'd dropped them off and run to walmart quick) he was pretty much his normal self, except with a massive limp. He cried putting weight on it. Anthony had already checked his leg for bruises, swelling and such, and we checked again when we got home. Looked fine, and he moved his foot/ankle with no complaints. But putting weight on it was a no go. We hemmed and hawed about going to the ER (as it was evening when this happened) and finally decided that since it LOOKED ok, it might just be a sprain or a bad twist, and we'd wait to see if it was better by morning.

Well it wasn't. I took him in, got an appt right away for 10:30am. The pediatrician found nothing amiss when she examined him, and she even pressed her palm to his foot like he would putting weight on it. Not a peep, he didn't care. She suggested we do an xray anyway, and I agreed.

Sure enough, teeny tiny fracture of his leg. (Distal right tibia, if you're interested.) He doesn't even have a full cast, just a half of one along the back of his leg mid-shin to mid-foot with an ACE bandage wrapped around it. This was Thursday night, I believe, and just today he's begun walking on it. He's not QUITE as fast as normal, but he gets around fine. :)

Anthony of course felt terrible, poor guy. But thankfully it was a fairly un-traumatic experience for Ray. Aside from the initial incident, the only part he really had an issue with was the x-ray's, and that was due more to being tired, hungry, and wanting to run around (NOT hold stock still for the xray) than actual pain. No setting of the bone (thank GOD) or any such heinous act. So, he survives. It'll be a fun little story when he's grown! You broke your leg at a year old, kid! And amazingly enough, it was not from one of your usual daredevil stunts! (Today he's climbed on a large cooler numerous times, and into a big box. So you know, the cast is TOTALLY slowing him down.)

2008-10-23T05:55:00.003+02:00

Why am I up at 4:20am? It's not to toke up, unfortunately. Because my beloved son has been up shrieking at me since 3 friggin am. (He's currently squeezing my nipple, wtffffff) Tried it all, hugs, love, milk (milk and more milk), comforting, and letting him cry (a little). He'll quiet down for ten mins, juuuuust long enough for me to ALMOST fall asleep, and then out of the blue he's shrieking again. I so don't get it. So he's up now, and I'm letting him play in the dark a few minutes in the hopes that it will reset him a bit.

SO NOT COOL OK. Especially with Anthony's schedule, because he never really gets a day off to sleep in. Or he'll get ONE. He just doesn't understand that I don't even want to sleep in that late, I just want, once in a while, to wake up when my body says so. Not when the shrieker in the next room demands it. I can literally count on one hand the number of times I've been able to do this since he was born. Anthony? Just spent five months livin' it up bachelor style, staying up late playing video games and sleeping till 4pm on weekends. CRY ME A RIVER OK MR 6AM?

On that note, gonna lay this punk down after I change his butt, and hopefully we'll get some sleep up in this piece. (He was even up late tonight. I DON'T GET IT.) Oh, and here's some survey thing. Enjoy.

1. Do you support international adoption? Most definitely! Kids from all over need love and families.
2. Do you support affirmative action? Not really. People better qualified being turned down to meet a quota is not cool with me.
3. Are you for or against experimentation on animals? While I dislike animals being hurt, it's not something we can do on humans morally, so I'm for it, as the lesser of two "evils".
4. Did you name your kid a Wal*martized name? Hell no.
5. For or against Capital Punishment? Very much FOR!
6. For or against the legalization of medical marijuana? For, people getting locked up and/or raided when they're chronically in pain and it's the best way to deal (with no side-effects) is not cool with me.
7. Do you have an eating disorder? I eat alot, I love food, and am not fond of puking. Certainly NOT!
8. Do you believe in Global Warming? Not entirely. I do agree that we should work on using fewer resources and being gentler on our planet where possible.
9. Are you against gambling? No, but I think it's pretty stupid beyond a friendly poker game.
10. Do you pray? At times, in a way. Not like I used to.
11. Do you have homosexual tendencies? Nunya! (bizness)
12. Are you having an affair? Yes. With Edward Norton. Doesn't seem to matter what movie he's in, I just want to hug him and tuck him away somewhere safe.
13. Are you for or against gun control? Are you part of the NRA? For gun control as in background checks and gun safety courses. AGAINST making them illegal or any such silliness. Not part of the NRA, I don't own a gun at this time.
14. For or against Universal Health care? Against! Being in military healthcare, and imagining if it was that way for everyone, all the time...I agree there are SERIOUS problems with our current system, but handing the government the reins (what public program have they NOT fucked up so far?) is not the answer imo.
15. Do you give to the homeless? Can't afford to right now, but I give when I can.
16. Do you support gay and lesbian civil unions? Marriages? Most definitely.
17. Do you believe or did you believe in the War on Terrorism? I did, and still do in some ways, not in others. It's a big humping mess.
18. Should abstinence or birth control be taught in schools? I'm all about some knowledge. Straight forward facts about BC, how to avoid pregnancy, and acknowledging that abstinence is still the only 100% option.
19. Should underage girls be allowed to have abortions without their guardians knowing? Nope, sorry.
20. Do you want prayer in public schools? I don't think there needs to be group prayer in the classroom. (Teacher led or over the MC) However, if, say, a group of high-schoolers wants to start a prayer group as a club, then I think they should have that right.
21. Should obese people pay for 2 airplane seats? I'll have to pay for my toddler soon, I vote yes. You take up two seats, you pay for two seats. Sorry bout your luck.
22. Are you a Republican or Democrat? Meh. Neither, these days.
23. Do you return your cart? I'll be honest, I'm one of THOSE people, that rarely puts the cart away. If I happen to not have Ray with me, then I do. But if it's hot out (and I always put him in as soon as the groceries are in) then I just put it wherever nearby and hop in. It's texas folks, it's HOT. Cart boy gets paid, and I just paid the grocery store for my food, some of that goes to him.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiit's memetime!

2008-10-16T16:47:00.002+02:00

Tagged myself for a meme that I stole from Lacy Rose!

Take the sixth picture from your sixth album (most recent? least recent? Who knows!) and post it.

Here we see the Great White Spaghetti Monster!

Taken Sept 8th 2008, you see here my vain attempt at teaching Ray to feed himself with a spoon. I quickly gave up and let him go after it with his hands. This is the only time it's been attempted to date, and for obvious reasons. LOL. He did have fun though!

Here's another fun one, although it's actually the FIFTH pic in the FIFTH album (least recent as opposed to most). I just can't resist!

IN MY HOUSE

2008-10-11T02:54:00.003+02:00

LAUNDRY IS BEING DONE. INSIDE THESE FOUR WALLS. NO QUARTERS REQUIRED.

WOO!!!!!

I would like to thank craigslist for my used, lightly rusted, but fully functional $200 washer and dryer. They're even Whirlpools! And only a few years old. They were a bit dirty but we got em cleaned up quick and now I have a load going. I'm soooooo frigging happy.

I hate you laundromat. To the depths of my soul. And now we won't have to worry about any appliances in the next place. Although I do wonder what will end up happening with the fridge. There's NO WAY I'll be leaving it (or selling it to) the old bag that owns this place. And I really, really like my fridge. It's big and sexy and has many shelves. So I guess it depends on what kind of place we end up in in San Diego. Will be playing it by ear I suppose.

Ray found my prescription Eucarin lotion today. It is AMAZING stuff but omg impossible to get off. I left it open on my nightstand after applying to my legs this morning and he was apparently grabbing out whole handfuls (yes, it's a big open-topped canister of the stuff) and applying to his feet and the floor. Took a solid 5-10 mins of warm water and application after application of grease cutting dishwashing soap to get him cleaned up. Thankfully I have a good washer to do his pants and both our shirts in. It was another 15 mins scrubbing the carpet with hot water and generous squirts of Goo-Gone. I need to go check and see how well that worked, actually.

Sadly Emily is leaving tomorrow. Really not looking forward to getting up and leaving by 6:30am on a saturday to drive to Austin. Worst of all Anthony is on duty tomorrow so I have to bring Ray with. He's done a similar day in the car (when I drove up to Houston to get my xB) but it's still not much fun for him.

We were looking forward to seeing Jeff Dunham this friday but found out today that Anthony has duty. ARGH! We even had the neighbors lined up to watch Ray. (I think that's the one real thing I'll miss about this place, they are SO sweet. Lots of texas hospitality.)

Spent a good few hours last night melting our brains with AMV Hell 4 and then some AWESOME clips of Afro-Ken, arguably one of the most bizzarre and zen-tastic animes I've seen. Not sure if the show came first or the merchandise, but anyone that's spent enough time with me knows that I was in looooove with that shit in Japan and have bags, notebooks, and so on covered in Afro-Ken. I even unloaded a ton of my old stickers onto my guitar hero controller. Fun!

Enjoy Afro-ken as I win another mommy of the year award feeding pizza to my 14 month old. In my defense it's spinach chicken tomato alfredo, but still.

Well DER ME

2008-10-09T17:11:00.003+02:00

So I had a big fat DUH moment the other night. Anthony, Emily and I were watching the Business of Being Born (excellent, everyone needs to see this flick) and Anthony said again how he doesn't want to be around for the next birth, at all. He said he's fine with it being a homebirth and all that, it wouldn't change if I were in the hospital, he just gets sooooo nervous thinking of me in labor. (He's a protector through and through, I can't fault him for that!) I plan on surrounding myself with some of my closest ladies, so it's really not the end of the world for me.

He also feels really bad I missed the first hour with Ray (gets quite upset about that) and says I should be allowed some alone time with the next one. He's a sweety.

Anyway, I already knew all this. The big old DUH moment was this: it's no wonder I didn't go into labor! I've been telling people right and left (when they're unsure of who to allow into the labor room) that a few different things can "go wrong" on that front. Mom can hold up labor with her own reservations/fears/random other emotional hangups. A person the woman is uncomfortable with coming into the room can also slow/stall labor. And, last but not least, someone in the room who is very nervous/worried can have an effect on things.

Now please understand that Anthony DID want me to go into labor, this was of course nothing conscious on his part. Nor on mine. But being a big fat empath I am very highly tuned to his frequency, as it were. Soemthing will happen, he'll say it doesn't bother him or he doesn't care, and I'm the one who doesn't sleep for a month because he's turmoil inside.

So this...this makes ALOT of sense. Especially considering some of the "false" starts I had, and precisely when they stopped...how anxious he was to get to the hospital...so yes, he will be FAR away for the next one. Once baby time hits I'll have Shannapance come down for a weekend, perhaps, and send Anthony up to play video games with Ryan, and we'll get that party started.

(I am at times also very well tuned to Shanna, and at the end of the pregnancy with Ray just IM'ing her on msn was enough to make my contractions stronger and painful. So the effect with Anthony is not isolated!)

This realization is VERY reassuring to me. I've looked around a bit learning about having an irritable uterus (which I most certainly do) and if a woman has it with the first it's common for it to happen again with subsequent pregnancies. I asked the midwife I would likely see in san diego about it online, and she said it's also common for a woman with an irritable uterus to have trouble developing a strong effective contraction pattern for labor. Since you can't induce a VBAC because of the much-increased risk of uterine rupture, that would possibly leave me high and dry for a VBAC. Knowing that it probably wasn't 100% my body gives me alot more confidence that the next time I CAN do it on my own. :)

It's happy days!

2008-09-26T23:08:00.002+02:00

Anthony will be home in an hour or so. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I don't have much to add to that. We'll be heading out for dinner tonight, and to pick up a bloody router. BOTH of our routers (one wired and our new wireless) are in the box we had the foresight to send to his dads house (in Austin) right before we left Spain. We had our neighbor ship the boxes, one to Austin and the other to my parents house in SC. Keep in mind, this is back at the end of april. Well, the one to my folks got there while I was visiting, in May. The one to Austin? Nothing. I thought it was gone, gone, gone. Then two weeks ago, bam. They get it on their front porch. WTH? Frigging postal service ate my box (of course, the one with all the more valuable items in it) for nearly five months. I've been up and back from Austin time and again, so I COULD have picked it up...had it been there. Blah. No point now in going to get it as I'll be up there next weekend getting the Bird from the airport.

So yeah, buying another router. Joy. *shakes fist* Damn you USPS!

In honor of Anthony arriving home, I'm adding on the video of "our song". Our first dance at the wedding was to the piano version, this here be the jazzed up version. It's actually an old 80's hit, I know, but cheesy as DJ Sammy is I like this remake best. :D Enjoy!
DJ Sammy feat Yanou - Heaven

Beam me up!

2008-09-16T22:09:00.004+02:00

It's really about time we invented Transporters. Star Trek style. Press of a button and you're miles and miles away!

We need to find a way to teleport our Uteri out until they're needed. No more periods, no accidental pregnancy or crazy hormones, just sweet luscious FREEDOM until we're ready to have kids. Yes please!

And hey, c-section would be a thing of the past. Emergency? Baby is instantly out, and no scars for mom! No more epidurals either, those not up to the task of labor could choose baby transport. Sweet indeed. (This is purely sci fi thinking here, ignoring the known benefits of a vaginal delivery. Just me in my fantasy world!)

Cancer would be a goner. We could lock onto all the cancer cells and beam it out, leaving surrounding tissue intact with no need for risky surgery. Life would be sweet, and longer for many.

No more dangerous car, train, or airline travel. No more long distance friendships or relationships. I suppose the downside would be unwanted friends or family dropping in incessantly. Hmmmm. Perhaps "transport blocking" that would work a bit like unplugging your phone or blocking a persons number. A fail-proof "do not disturb" sign!

Heck, this could probably cure HIV and AIDS! Again, just lock onto all the little infection buggers and woosh, you're cured!

Shoot, we could use it to wash DISHES! Just beam all the dirt and crud into space, highest dispersion! It would be interesting having red clouds full of tomato sauce particles. Purple rain could be a reality!

I do love sci-fi. :)

2008-09-16T03:48:00.000+02:00

Is this not the most beautiful kid around? Well, I'm sure your own children hold that place for you, but AFTER your kids, you gotta admit... ;)

VOGUE!

Checking out his sweet pecs. He likes to beat his chest like Tarzan. He also communicates mainly via grunting. Hmmmmm...

Such a ham! He loves him some naked time. :)

Oh Craig

2008-09-15T17:43:00.000+02:00

I do love you so. If I wasn't married, I'd so be stalking your ass.

Funny, only sort of not

2008-09-14T19:38:00.002+02:00

If you want good service, then serve yourself.
-Spanish Proverb

Really funny to come across this having lived three years in Spain. I had no idea, lol. BECAUSE THEY LIVE BY THIS.

Compared to american culture, at least. Restaraunts were slooooooow. Just getting someone to take your drink order AND bring the drinks might take 20-30 mins. This was not fun when I was pregnant and hot and JUST WANTED SOME EFFING WATER OK. Same with the meal, the dessert, the check. I understand it, partly. When they eat out afterwards they tend to just sit and schmooze, they're not in a huge rush like americans seem to be. Ok.

Bag your own groceries in most stores.

And good luck in any small shop or boutique. Having a service repairmen come to your house or anything of that nature was at their leisure, and don't count on getting a call before hand to know they're coming.

Meh, I'm not really as mad as I sound. I understand it's a different culture and that's cool, I can respect that. Doesn't mean I have to enjoy it though!

Ahhhh america. My bitch list is even longer here, trust me. But at least it's far more quick and convenient for me to leave the house and buy something and inevitably be pissed off by some other idiot. LOL.

EPIC STORM

2008-09-13T15:04:00.003+02:00

But not here. I have been receiving calls and emails and texts the last few days from all kinds of family and friends. I appreciate the love, I really do, but some of you people (and I'm sure you know who you are) should call me in good times too! It's awfully lonely down here, and I appreciate everyone's concern, but seriously. You can call anytime, and I would love it.

As for the storm, we've really seen none of it. I kind of feel bad for all the folks that rushed out and boarded up, then got the hell out of dodge. Last night was like any other night, except that our normal constant wind was coming from the north rather than the south. Sure, it's a little cloudy this morning, but there was no rain last night. No thunder, and the wind was mild enough that all my dried grass cuttings are still scattered over my driveway and front walk. LAME.

I was even cooking up some of my more expensive perishable food the last few days. Oh well, at least I have a few easy meals in the freezer for a rainy day when I'm not up to cooking.

I thought that perhaps I really messed up Ray's schedule yesterday. He was up very early, and his 11am nap was only 30-40 mins long, rather than the usual two hours. I knew he'd be needing a second nap because of it, and at 3pm laid him down. I decided to take a nap too, and woke after 6pm with him STILL ASLEEP. Whoops. So he stayed up until 10:15 last night, rather than our usual 9pm bedtime, and HE SLEPT. He woke once maybe ten mins later, and then not a peep until 7:30 this morning!!! GLORY BE! It was miraculous, especially since after my own long nap yesterday I had difficulty getting to sleep, and was up till almost 2am.

So the old adage is true, once again. For kids at least, sleep really does beget sleep. You'd think, horrors! Such a long nap! So late! And it did seriously mess with MY ability to sleep. But for whatever reason, it helped Ray. Maybe we just need to go back to having a second nap, even if it's short.

I need to make an appointment for myself, again. Now that I'm nearly finished with the prednisone my hands are going nuts again. Very upsetting to me, after these last blissful weeks with NORMAL hands. I'll admit they've always been something of a point of pride for me, I have long tapered fingers and my fingernails naturally curve in a way that makes it look as though I always have a fantastic french mani. I have pretty hands. Anthony has always told me I should be a hand model or something. :) And now, return of the rash. ARGH. Can I be on a moderate dose of prednisone long term? Because if that's what it takes, SIGN ME UP. Jesus. (Yes, that is my hand, and my engagement ring, which I LOVE and is OMGPERFECT.)

Anthony is going to a big concert/festival today. It's called Nocturnal Dreamland, out east of LA. It looks AMAZING. Infected Mushroom headlining, and Above & Beyond also playing. I'm SO EFFING JEALOUS. Why does all the good shit have to be in CA? I think I'll just cry myself to sleep tonight because omfg so unfair. :( I told him (since I was the one that gave him the heads up on the whole thing) that he better take me to do something really effing cool when he gets home. >:(

I think I may start putting in good music videos here and there, get some of you folks hearing music you may not otherwise ever know exists. Today is Illusion, by VNV Nation. His voice is not incredible, but I LOVE the prose, and how things don't necessarily rhyme but it still sounds great. This song is not really common to their "sound". If you know their style, then you'll still recognize it's VNV Nation, but it's much softer than the majority of their music. Enjoy!

wtfNO

2008-09-12T20:49:00.003+02:00

Once again humanity disappoints me. Someone on the Debate boards on babycenter posted this article.

Court Slams Wis. Cops In Coma Sex Case: Police Filmed Man Having Sex With Comatose Wife In Nursing Home

No, no, no. Once again the justice system fails.

Even more disturbing to me was the responses of the WOMEN on this board.

First, the usual "but he's a good person!" BS from the WOMANS sister. "The woman's sister is upset that prosecutors brought charges against him, Kelly said. "She believes her sister's husband was merely expressing his love for his wife and was trying everything he could to bring her back to consciousness," Kelly said. "

So because he had good intentions, it's ok. What if she had said no? If he went slow and tried to make her feel good, but still did it, would it not be rape? WTF? Of course it would be rape! She's freaking comatose people. Many of the women on the board reflected similar feelings, that it was "sweet" that he was "just trying to connect with his wife" because he missed her.

*head asplode*

"My first impression is that it's gross.

But then, when you give the guy the benefit of the doubt, the poor guy could just want a connection with his wife. Maybe he did have some weird hope that having sex with her would wake her up. "

"My first thought was also that it's gross.

Then I thought, well maybe it's kind of bittersweet..."

"Definitely sounds gross but as others have said, it does seem he was trying "by any means necessary" to bring her back. So romantic in such a twisted way."

WTF is wrong with people? Seriously, if it wasn't his wife would they be saying this? Marriage is not OWNERship people. Just because he married her does not mean he can do it without her consent. He had absolutely no RIGHT to do it, ever! There is no marriage clause that said it's the spouses RIGHT to extract sex from their partner, no matter what. UGH. What the hell, honestly. Thankfully after those first few gems some voices of reason popped in (along with my own) saying hell no son! Not ok!

And honestly I think since the police were tipped off and there was reasonable suspicion, I don't think his rights were violated, privacy-wise. I think also that since it's not like this is happening in their home, it's in a nursing home, that's something else too. While I'm all about constitutional right to privacy, I think in a case like this they should be able to use that evidence. And if the police were tipped off why did they not do a rape kit on the woman? Fail, fail, fail.

So now apparently we all need to make living wills that include "If I'm in a coma, no one is allowed to rape me.". WTF (Not that Anthony would do something like this, but still. BLARGH)

Ahoy matey!

2008-09-09T16:47:00.001+02:00

Thar be money! WOO!

*runs out for coke, smokes, and power bill* Hallelujah!

Oh god why

2008-09-09T15:15:00.002+02:00

Another fabulous day, up at 6 or whatever. BLARGH. Scratch that "get up and watch TV" idea, all it did was wake him up the rest of the way and now I'm screwed till nap time.

Movie review time!

First up yesterday was Baby Mama. Not dying on the floor funny, but it was humorous, cute, and fun. Definitely worth at least one watch if you're in the mood for something light. :) I'll give it 3.5/5!

Hancock came next. Fight scenes were cool, stuff was funny...I found the storyline lacking though. Some flashbacks would have been nice, or fleshing out the plot just a liiiiiittle more would have gone a long way. In the end the story just felt rushed, which is too bad because it was a cool premise. Will Smith was funky too, he looked weird to me. Not sure why. I still love him though. *humps his leg* I'll give it a 3/5.

Breakfast time for me. Ta!

The Good the Bad and the TIRED.

2008-09-08T16:32:00.003+02:00

So the good news is, sleep regression at 13 months is nothing new. Most babies go through it.

The bad news is, sleep regression at 13 months is nothing new. Most babies go through it. Which means I basically have to suck it up and just deal for a bit longer.

Oh, I read a few tips that may or may not help. The ones I'm going to try are 1. A set routine for meal time, nap time, and bed time. At the moment bed time is the only sure thing in this house. THANK YOU GOD IT'S 9PM YAY

And 2. Just getting up with him when he wakes at 5/6am/whatever, for an hour or so, and then letting him go back to sleep. A few mamas mentioned this, and I'd prefer that to getting into another cosleeping habit.

Cosleeping has been a really tricky thing for me. On the one hand, I am a BORN CUDDLER and I LOVE IT. Could eat it up with a big old spoon. It's comforting having him next to me, especially when Anthony isn't home. And, he tends to sleep better.

On the other hand I HATE IT. I hate having to be super quiet, or that if he encroaches on my side of the bed I can't easily move him. It keeps me up, worrying that I'll wake him, and I have to be right there with him for fear of him rolling out of bed. (For you safety nuts out there, I do have a railing on the far side of the bed, but I'll have to get it down before Anthony returns.)

I still would like to cosleep next time around during the early months. The last thing I'll be needing with a toddler and newborn is the kind of sleep I got last time. Yikes!

Other than my adventures in (not) sleeping, things have been quiet out this way. We are officially broke as a joke (that isn't very funny) and I'm half way through my last pack of smokes until we get paid. Couldn't even afford a case of coke, so I'll be heavily medicating myself to get through caffeine withdrawal headaches. >.> At least I have gatorade and some V8 fusion juice, and I had juuuust enough money yesterday to get diapers and enough whole milk to last him. Yes, when it comes down to it I will sacrifice for my child. Lol. Woe is me!

I could do with less coke anyhow, I haven't even been liking it all that much lately. And smoking is WAY better when you do less of it. Each one is more enjoyable when you've been putting it off for hours, playing the "I'll smoke after X, no after Y, no after Z!" until you finally give in and AHHHHHHHHHH. So much better. And hey, healthier. I truly don't like smoking. Honest.

Oh! Pictures! I've been taking them again, go me! Ray and I have been to two neighborhood parks in the last few days, the latest one being far superior to the first. I've been bemoaning the lack of kid things to do in the area given the weather around here. It's hard for me to get motivated to go anywhere in the morning (read first few paragraphs of this post for why!) and then Ray naps. By the time he wakes, it's like 98/feels like 103 outside. NOT good weather for baby playing outdoors. Then late afternoon hits, and it starts to cool off, WHOAMG BUGS. The mosquitoes here are insane, most nights the bug spray truck does our street twice. >< Gross!

But this park is nice, leads right down to the water, has a great breeze, and actually wasn't too buggy until about 7, just as we left. I also got some Off! towelettes for spreading the bug repellant love on us. They seemed to work great!

So yeah, pictures. On my picasa. Most recent albums are all labeled September something or other, I'm sure you smarties can figure it out!

Ell. Oh. Ell.

2008-09-03T08:24:00.004+02:00

Three truths have become apparent to me today.

1. My landlady is dumb.
2. My dumb landlady thinks I'm dumb.
3. I'm not dumb.

Too bad she doesn't know it!

So this morning she calls and asks if I've moved yet.

...

Bwuuuuhhhhh? I said NO, it was my understanding, when you demanded I continue paying the rent, that I was not being let out of the lease. She goes "I never said you couldn't move, I've been asking you to move for months now". Yeah, a bunch of back and forth and basically she gave us her "permission" to move, but was not going to terminate the lease.

Yeah, I'm still laughing. I don't need your permission you rotten old wench, I need the fucking lease amended! I let her know, since we were obviously on different wavelengths, that unless the lease was ended early there was NO way we would be moving. Absolutely, positively, not.

Honestly, do I just come off as having an IQ of 38? Seriously, do I SEEM that naive and downright stupid? Then, since it is my responsibility as per the lease, I asked that she send me a copy of the pest control bill. She chose that opening to try and put the tree limb trimming on my plate too, since "trees" are part of the "yard maintenance" and trimming is on there. Yeah, I think trimming is something I could conceivably do with a step ladder and hedge-trimmers, not a fucking chainsaw and several men to hold the limb so it doesn't annihilate the third bedroom. The tree was nearly touching the house, but it was not hanging to the ground, or resting on the roof. As I'm not the home owner I do not feel comfortable just lobbing off huge limbs from the neighbors trees, and I never in a million years would have thought of rats using that as an easy access to get in. (Oh yeah, did I mention all the rats that I LET into the house? That the pest guy says don't exist, but the AC REPAIR MEN SAID THERE WERE MICE OMFG EXTERMINATE NOW)

So yeah, I took pics of everything and if she wants to take me to small claims over that shit, and be ground under the salty heel of Navy Legal, then by all means. Let's do it, bitch.

Basically today, rather than get all riled up over her anymore, I'm mostly just amused and mildly annoyed. Silly old bat. Just not worth the energy!

So my question, dear readers (few though ye may be), is this:
If you're renting a property, and your responsibilities according to the lease include tree trimming, do you think something of THIS magnitude is covered? When you moved in only five months prior? (Obviously WELL beyond five months of growth in my eyes)

The tree the biggest limb up top (hard to see for the leaves/smaller limbs) was cut from is on the left in the lower pic. It arced up over the roof, where it hovered a few inches from the shingles. It was not resting on the roof, or obscuring any windows. Nor was it encroaching on the AC unit.

Soup Queen extraordinaire!

2008-08-31T04:17:00.003+02:00

I'm great at making soup. Well, for myself. I guess picky people might frown on my soups, but for those of you that have good taste you'd probably enjoy it.

Tonight I had a ton of leftover this and thats in the fridge, so I threw it all into a packet of Maggi boullion. This included spicy beef sausage, peas, steamed corn off the cob, rice, frozen spinach, crab meat (the imitation chunks, that aren't actually imitation but made with real crab meat), and onions. A dash of garlic powder and cumin, and voila! Yumminess.

I exhort everyone to get creative this weekend and throw together some kitchen sink soup!

As a side note, Mike on Desperate Housewives isn't nearly so hot in season 3 without all his confidence and muscles. And omfg Zack needs to lose the hair before I hunt his ass down and go after it with a lawnmower.

In other news, little man seems alot better today. No rash, crankiness at a minimum. After poking around online it sounds like it may have been roseola, aka a few days of high-ish fever ending with a rash. Sounds familiar!

Crisis Averted, I suppose.

2008-08-30T20:09:00.002+02:00

So SHE called me while I was at the laundromat wednesday. (Joy upon joy, I assure you.) Told me she wasn't letting me out of the lease, and of course tried to make it my own fault. Blathered on about how the house was too messy to show it, and too messy to assess damages. I said uh, hello? I would move before we do a walkthrough. (DUH.) And I was ready to basically end the lease within two days, and be out and everything. So basically, she had no intention of letting us go in the first place. I asked her, during that phone call, why she had kept asking me to leave then. She then reminded me when she expected the rent and hung up.

Bitch.

So now? Everything in writing, with pictures, before and after repairs, and no more hand-delivered rent checks. The gloves are off, and I'll still be taking my lease to a lawyer to peruse for loopholes. (Sidenote, that's the correct use of "peruse", which really means to look through something deeply, not skim!) Next time it happens we will MAKE a way out of this place, if we have to tunnel out of here.

Roaches are still around, but seem better. Pest guy checked the rat bait yesterday, and no sign of any funny business. He was really nice, too, a little older, and Ray loved him. Actually ran up to him, arms up to be held. He doesn't really do that with other folks, but if this kid doesn't have Anthonys and my intuition with people then I'll be a monkeys uncle.

Ray has been up a ton the past few nights. Started off with a fever around the time we went to the laundromat (one of those annoying off/on afternoon/evening fevers, though it ran fairly high thursday, 102-103), and then up all friday night. That morning (just before his 1yr well-baby appt) he had a spotty red rash all over his belly and back. The dr said it might be measles, at first, then when I explained more about what had happened, decided it might be chicken pox.

And again, joy upon joy. So he's been cranky (for his temperament) and up again last night. The tummy rash hasn't changed but now there's this weird business on his thigh. No more fevers though, so maybe he'll be getting better soon.

Mmmmm, fried rice. Made up some fresh rice last night, sauteed some onions and eggs in and used the easy imitation-only-not-imitation crab meat. Found out it tastes MUCH better than the actual imitation crab from the same brand. All buttery and delicious. Yum.

Despite my kvetching (half the reason I haven't blogged much lately, it'd all be incessant bitching) we're not doing too terrible out here. My neighbor spoils me, and just mowed my front lawn after he did his. I really need to go buy them a thing of gas. Stupid lawn services are like $40 around here (and that's from a nice, cheap guy) just for mowing, and I apparently have recently developed a serious grass allergy. Last time I mowed it (in jeans and a tanktop) I broke out into a monster rash all over my arms, neck and shoulders. It looked (and felt) like poison ivy. Didn't have that problem when I was younger, mowed my share of lawns in my time, and never had this happen.

Thankfully, once Anthony is on this ship he won't be gone more than 2-3 weeks at a time so he'll be able to keep up with the mowing. Ignoring the 6 month cruise next year, of course. But by that time we'll probably be preparing for San Diego, or hey, maybe out of this dungheap! Woo!

No More Limbo

The end, and a beginning.

Parenting, update!

Tattoo ideas

Patient being pushy!

Oh, you.

Parenting? I'm working on it.

For the sake of some clarity

Contrast and Compare

ZOMGGGG

We are here we are here we are here!

Still kickin!

Dorian's birth

My Apology to the Universe

On the Road Again

Linkses

Hooray

Open Letter to Kirby: How not to sell a vacuum.

Really?

I miss him on the hard days, where nothing goes right and Ray and I just can't seem to make it work. But it's the good days, where we stroll the mall in the evening air and Ray stays close, charming passerby...when it hurts.

To go, or not to go.

It's disturbing.

BABEH

Woowowowoowwwoooo

Well

oisajfoiwjfe

Uh, sure, k.

Weoijfwaoifjwaofj

Ugh

I suck!

Sorry!

Annoying!

Blargh!

Baby news!

Well then

He lives!

The up and the down.

Dreaming of you

On the fly

tonight ROCKS

That crazy boob nazi

Holy crap man

:O

Woo!

Well then

5w2d

Whoa

Diet halp!

HAHA

Free

Holy crap doods

Can't take it

Fashion Sense

Some Superbowl Ramble!

OISAJFOEIWJAF

Holiday

At last!

Four Years Running

*froths at the mouth*

Woo!

Guess what?

Adorable as ever

Gee whiz

Wee dawgie!

Oh mah goodness. D:

It's about that time now

Reader Appreciation Day!

Owned

Home again!

The Light

So beautiful!

The good and the bad

I'm a nerd

The Move...

WHUT??!

Heehee

Tired of the fight

Milestone!

Ye gods, the pain!

Manmeme. *giggle*

froths at the mouth

Manmeme. giggle